May we all wonder what productive things could have been accomplished while writing this story....
Part five
Part Four
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1
Five minutes later…..
Thedeacon (thinking to himself): Hmmm. I hear some grunting and groaning, but all in all, things are pretty quiet in the next room. I wonder why…
Metaphysical Demon: …..Right hand blue!
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (contorting his body into an odd position): Damn the blue! Damn the blue!
Metaphysical Demon: Left leg yellow.
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Left leg yellow? The needle is totally pointing to red.
Metaphysical Demon: Look at it, dummy! The needle is more on yellow than red.
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Well actually it was right on the line before you shook it to land on yellow. You clanners and your ‘sploits.
Metaphysical Demon: Don’t turn this into a role playing thing, buddy. Omnis ‘sploit as much as clanners do. I say it’s yellow and it’s yellow!
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grunting under the burden of his weight): Who’s idea was it to play naked twister anyway? I’m putting my clothes back on.
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: No! For the love of God, stay naked! Er, I mean, the game has just begun.
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Hey! Metaphysical Demon didn’t say ‘left hand, right asscheek’, buddy.
Belamorte: It’s only fair if I spin. After all, since I don’t have hands or feet, I’m going to lose pretty quickly.
Thedeacon (walking into the main room from the foyer): You guys, it’s kinda quiet in---
Metaphysical Demon: Deacon!
Belamorte: Deacon!
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quick! Someone help me get my pants on!
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (throwing his pants on, both legs at a time): Is this your shield or mine, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Er, hello. Um, this isn’t what it looks like.
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quick people! While he’s stunned by the obvious homosexual and bestial overtones of four men and six androgenous creatures playing naked Twister, ATTACK!
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist hits you for 300 points of chemical damage
Thedeacon: OW! You just bopped me in the nose with that damn shield, buddy! Holy crap, wait! Wait! Everyone stop, I think I have a nosebleed now.
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (Stopping his attack and wincing): Oooh ouch. That’s a real gusher there….. Here, tilt your head back, I’ll go get you a cold wet rag.
Thedeacon: I sure hope you’re insured, buddy!
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Omni Tek provides us with top notch insurance in exchange for our souls and free will. The best part is they also recognize the non-traditional, yet perfectly acceptable family relationships that most Omni-Tek employees share *shoots a wink and a quick flick of his tongue at Veteran Omni Metaphysicist*
Thedeacon: Dude…
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: /fblock
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Do these Waitt pants make me look fat?
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grabbing Veteran Omni Metaphysicist by the hips): Oh no honey, I’d say you’re just my size!
Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: /ballet
Metaphysical Demon (backing away slowly): Holy…
Belamorte: Oh my GAWD..
Thedeacon: Jesus H Christ you two, you just played naked twister with OMNIS!!
Metaphysical Demon: OMG! Deacon, that doesn’t make US Omni, does it?
Thedeacon: That remains to be seen, but I’ll be damned sure not to let you clean my big gun anymore…
Belamorte: *cough* it’s not THAT big....Besides, it’s the thickness that---OH MY GAWD. Deacon, I’m turning Omni!!!
Thedeacon: I know something we can do to reaffirm our heterose---er, I mean Clannerness. Let’s kick these guys’ asses, grab our pink panties and go drink some beer!
<<<<<<<<Five minutes later>>>>>>>>
Thedeacon: Not…a….word..
Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!
Thedeacon (throws up a Bronto Burger and fries onto the reclaim terminal): Well that was the gaming equivalent of wrapping my buttcheeks around a twenty foot long razorblade and sliding into a big pool of Iodine.
Metaphysical Demon: Are you my master?
Thedeacon (spitting out the remains of what appears to be his own colon): Et tu, Metaphysical Demon? God I hate resurrection sickness. I don't even remember eating that.
Metaphysical Demon: Sorry man, you kinda sucked back there.
Thedeacon: *I* sucked??? You spent the entire time rubbing your crotch on the metaplast wall and you tell me *I* suck? Dude, that’s weak.
Metaphysical Demon: I got caught in my zipper! And you know I can’t use these claws of mine to free myself. I *like* being a boy demon.
Thedeacon: And where were you Belamorte?
Belamorte (clutching a scrap of paper with Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s grid number written down on it): Well, I…You know.
Thedeacon: Good lord, Belamorte! You’re turning Omni!!! That’s it, we need to go back there right away and deal some payback before you guys turn ALL the way Omni!
The three make their way outside the west gate of Newland City
Thedeacon: *%$#)$$% Omnis…
Senior ICC Representative: Hey buddy, Newland is a neutral town. We’re not having any of this clan propaganda here. Take your hippy ass back to Tir.
Thedeacon: Huh?
Senior ICC Representative: Listen. We neutrals---oh f*** Quick, hide me!
Female ICC Representative: Oh THERE you are mister, you’re in BIG trouble, you hear me?
Senior ICC Representative: Uh, hi dear.
Female ICC Representative: You mind telling me where you’ve been all day? You been picking up whores at Neuters R’ Us again? This is why we don’t have anything nice! You’re always at that damned bar, pouring wax onto the nipples of that Omni fixer, Streax18! Despite his rounded child bearing hips and baby blue grid armor, that’s a MAN baby!
Senior ICC Representative: Um, whatever are you talking about honey? I’ve been keeping watch right outside the west gate all day, hanging with my friends…..(reads the name above our heroes’ heads) Thedeacon, Metaphysical Demon and Belamur—
Belamorte: That’s Belamorte!
Female ICC Representative: That’s a load of bull! I sat by the reclaim terminal with your lunch all day, waiting for your corpse to show up!
Metaphysical Demon whispers: Bussssted…
Senior ICC Representative: Um, nobody killed me all day! Really!
Female ICC Representative: That NEVER happens! Why, even as we speak we’re being shot at by thirteen people trying to look uber by killing gray guards!
Streaz18 (whizzing by at the speed of light): /fblock see you later cutie!
Female ICC Representative: HOMEWRECKER!
Senior ICC Representative: Dear, can’t we just talk about thi—OW! You shot me!
Female ICC Representative: That’s right buddy, I’m killing you AND your gimpy Metaphysicist buddy!
<<<<<<<<Five minutes later>>>>>>>>
Thedeacon: Not a word….Not…one….word..
Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!
Stay tuned for the conclusion to our rather drawn out story, entitled: DEATH OF A DEACON
