Special Cyborg Edition!
Toog is a Cyborg?
Newland, Rubi-Ka – A former doctor of Newland mayor, Zephrem “Toog” King, claims the reason King has continually refused to release his medical records is because he is, in fact, a cyborg!
Dr. Sian Ameides, renowned gastroenterologist at Hope Medical College for Troubled Surgeons, reports that during a routine medical inspection, he discovered what he believed to be polyps on Mayor King’s colon. Upon further inspection, Dr. Amiedes discovered what appeared to be thumbnail sized microchips throughout Mayor King’s digestive and nervous system.
Calls to the Newland Mayor’s office have not been returned, although recent leaks from medical personnel formerly employed by Omni-Tek suggest prior knowledge of King’s cyborg status. The leaker, however, denies any role in transforming King into a machine.
This is not the first time that claims of a cyborg program to infiltrate the Newland government with cyborg operatives have emerged. However, until now, hard proof of such a program has been unavailable.
Under the Tabloid Freedom to Make up What We Want Act, a request has been submitted to the Newland government on behalf of The Daily Suns to require the Mayor’s office to release all medical records for Mayor King.
Top 10 Ways to Protect Your Home from Cyborgs!
Worried about cyborgs coming into your house? Here are 10 simple ways to stay safe!
With the recent rise in cyborg-related kidnappings and homicides, many are beginning to wonder “What do I need to do to protect my family and home from cyborgs?” Well look no further, here are 10 simple ways to help you prepare for a cyborg attack and create a cyborg proof home.
1. Build your home in a remote area: On a mountain, in the woods, in the desert or in space like the rich people do. Cyborgs concentrate their attacks on areas with large human populations since human flesh is required for their reproductive process, so living in a remote area with few inhabitants with increase your chances of survival.
2. Tall Fences: Building a tall smooth surfaced fence will prevent cyborgs from entering your property. Poor quality assurance controls during the transformation process render cyborgs incapable of scaling walls.
3. Pit traps: Dig several large holes in the ground and cover them with big tree branches and leaves. If a cyborg finds a way to breach your perimeter, the pit trap will provide the same defense as the tall fence.
4. Build all doors out of solid heavy metaplast alloy: Cyborgs have a great deal of strength as well as several integrated high-powered weapons, despite the poor quality manufacturing mentioned above. The strength of a cyborg will easily destroy all but the most protective doors. Windows should also be reinforced in the event of a cyborg invasion.
5. Well water vs. public water: Have a well on your property, in the event of a localized cyborg outbreak you cannot rely on public water supply. The workers at your local water treatment facility might be cyborgified and everyone knows that cyborgs have absolutely no work ethic.
6. Generators and fuel: Knowing the work ethics of cyborgs, or lack there of, it is best to have a generator at your residence in order to maintain your preferred quality of life. A hearty supply of fuel will be needed as well to insure continued use of your generator.
7. Sound diversions: Cyborgs have a technologically enhanced sense of hearing. If your property is large enough, install speakers at the perimeter of your property. If a perimeter breech occurs play loud sounds to lure the cyborgs away from your home and loved ones. Your generator will come in handy here.
8. Weapons: If you find that you have no other choice but to fight, a high-powered laser rifle or energy sword are good weapons of choice as you will be able to maintain a distance whilst decapitating your semi-robotic assailants.
9. Own a mobile home: The best way to evade a cyborg attack is to constantly be on the move. A mobile home is a good option as it allows you to flee from an attack without sacrificing the comforts of home.
10. If you can’t beat them, join them: You might end up perpetrating a terrible transformation on your first born but at least you won’t have to pay for their college tuition.
Keep reading the Daily Suns at http://thedailysuns.wordpress.com/ for all your Rubi-Ka news!
- Staff Reporter