It was never raining over the white city of Jobe, but tonight, in Jen's heart, a storm was raging... one of despair, of sadness, and most of all, of fear. Fear of failing, once again, in this final goal she had set for herself. Fear of never finding what she was desperately looking for. Fear of what people would say, of what her few friends left would say, fear of making a huge mistake. But her decision was now set, after all these long, sleepless nights spent crying and pondering; in her hearts of hearts, she knew that she had to go, if only to retain the last bits of sanity left in her after the devastation caused by the constant trials and losses. If only to try and persuade herself that, somewhere, he was still alive and wanting to see her again.
This is crazy, Jen-chan, and you know it.
Yeah. And I dun 't care, Heiji. I dun't.
For Grid's sake, you don't even know if he's still alive... or still on this world, for that matter...!
...Yeah, but I hafta try. I hafta! Else, I'll...
A sudden wave of despair half-swallowed her thought, but the feeling was easily conveying what she had meant though. Else I'll get mad. He knew that it wasn't only a manner of speaking; he couldn't count anymore the amount of times she had cried, broken glasses and various other items, ravaged the appartment in bursts of rage an d anger at herself, or spent hours curled in a ball on the bed or sofa. She was getting mad, in a way, mad of being alone, of having seen everyone go, of having lost her husband once again, of the constant pressure placed on her shoulders, the directorship, the office duties, the alien threat, the paperwork, and all these hopes and expectations put in her by too many people. And now, this last hope was what she was clutching at, so desperately. The hope that, somewhere, there in the faraway lands, he was still alive.
It wasn't a hope born of thin air, even. In the last times before his disappearance, he had told her so many times how he wanted to find a way for her to not suffer anymore, to chase away the nightmares, to get her rid of the constant pain tearing her body, the pain that had never left her since she had touched the Shadows, more than one year ago. The chance was thin, but to her, it was better than the other explanations - that he was dead, or that he had left her because he didn't love her anymore. Maybe he had gone there, where communications were hard and scarce, gone there, to find a cure, a solution, or at least an explanation to what was slowly eating her from the inside... and as small as the chances would be, she would take them, this time.
Sure this is what you really want to do? About the department and all...
Said I'd close it fer now, right? They can live without me...
And not warning anyone?
I dun't want anyone to see me go... I dun't want 'em to see me cry.
Tears were welling in her eyes again, and Jen quickly wiped them off with the back of her gloved hand while absently finishing to pack up the few belongings she'd bring with her - her gun and a knife, army rations, some clothes, and what she needed to find her way there. The armor, she was already wearing it. The small laptop... she looked at it for a long moment, then stuffed it in the backpack as well. She wouldn't have access to the Grid there, but she was too used to having it with her, and at least she could look at a few old pictures on it and dream of the good old times. Her comm-unit... she already knew that in many areas, it'd be a useless piece of junk, yet she wouldn't mind the silence, for once. In a few minutes, she'd be ready to go.
The messages?...
They all ready... gonna send 'em now...
Opening her wristpad, Jen loaded in the messages she was about to send. There wouldn't be many recipients; she hadn't many friends left, and for the rest... she didn't really care anymore. She read them again a last time, feeling her determination waver for a moment; could she go away like this, without a real warning, with just a few messages?... Ironically enough, it was the exact same thing Raquel had done, when she had joined the Clans - only telling when it was already too late. However, she probably couldn't go if she had to face people to let them know. She'd let them trap her on Rubi-Ka again, in her responsibilities, in her daily routine... in her own despair, where she was slowly drowning. and who would care about that?
She would have wanted to kiss Lemmy goodbye, but Lemmy was gone too.
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***Done***
To: Infinite Circle, Board of Directors
From: Jen Markarian
Subject: Resigning
To Charissa, Cristin, Katia and Hanshi
My apologies that things have come to this, but I must go fer some time. I'm hopin' that this will be a temporary situation... still, I can't give any dates of return an' whatever. I've taken dispositions regarding tha infrastructure, so no worries 'bout this, hardware an' all... just, I won't be very available on comm and direct liaison. If there's any problem... just send me a grid-mail, I should be able to read dat regularly 'nuff...
- Jen Markarian
Vector Blue - Director
____________________________________
To: Vector Blue (department)
From: Jen Markarian
Subject: Temporary close-down
Fellow colleagues... and friends...
I ain't fer long an' winded stuff, as ya know... so I'm just gonna be straight to tha point. I'm gonna be away fer some time, an' I dunno when I'll be fully back. Given tha currently low activity, I doubt tha department will suffer from it 'nyway. Take this as a long-due break, or as an opportunity to mebbe do what suits ya better? I'm gonna miss ya, in any case. I've really appeciated workin' with ya all during all these months, and i'll always cherish this memory an' feeling... this I needed to letcha know.
Until things go better again,
- Jen
The young woman looked at the last message a second time, hesitating for a brief moment. But she then swallowed hard, shook her head, and pushed the Send button with a trembling finger.
To: Dinnen, Hayley
From: Jen Markarian
Subject: I'm sorry
Dear Hayley,
Please forgive me fer sending this message... I jus' couldn't say it t'ya face to face, 'cuz I know that it'd have probably prevented me from goin', an' that ain't tha solution... I need to be away. I need to go there an' fight what I've always been too chicken ta fight. I need to go look fer Malcom, even if tha chances fer me to find 'im are so very thin... cuz if I dun't do it, I'm just gonna get nuts.
I so regret al ltha things I should've done an' didn't... that I won't be present... and that I haven't been very supportive with tha baby too... I hope that ya'll forgive me one day fer this. I probably wasn't a good enuff friend, but I've tried to do my best.. and I'll try again, if ya still want me when... if... I'm back.
I can't find words to tell ya how much I've appreciated our friendship, though, nor how much I liked havin' ya by my side. So instead... I think... I'm gonna give ya my best wishes of happiness fer ya an' Tua... for yer family... ya'll so deserve it...
Love,
- Jen
With a sad little smile, Jen closed down her wristpad, grabbing her backpack to throw it on her shoulder. One last time, she cast a look around her, at the vast apartment she had been living in since the Portal had been opened; it still was in a mess, but she hadn't had the will to clean it. No one would care nor enter in, and in that moment, it wasn't important, just a place she was leaving behind, with the vague thought of maybe coming back one day. One last time, she also looked at her tired reflection in the window, at her white-striked hair loosely tight on the back of her neck, at this face that was hers yet that she couldn't recognize anymore. A very faint smile of encouragement came to play on her lips for a second, before fading again. Then, picking up a long coat and the few items she hadn't packed, the young woman silently strolled through the living room and corridor, toward the door.
When she exited the building to take the direction of the Portal, she didn't even look behind her once.
In my hands
A legacy of memories
I can hear you say my name
I can almost see your smile
Feel the warmth of your embrace
But there is nothing but silence now
- Within Temptation, Our Farewell -
((OOC: And this is my - temporary, I hope - "withdrawal" from AO. I currently don't have much time nor motivation to go on being a full part of the roleplay scene, and although I don't exactly want to quit - no, don't ask, don't even think of it, you'll never see me perma-kill my char in a last melodramatic scene- I'm very aware that I can't bring anything to the RP right now, nor push myself to really play. So, consider me "in the background" for... an undefined amount of time? I'll very likely pop on the chat client and perhaps in-game at times for some "casual activities" (read: blitzing and chatting), so I'm not exactly "gone", but you see the picture.
A big thanks, in any case, to all the roleplayers I've met during my 2,5 years in AO - to those who are gone for a long-time, even if they'll never read this, to those who've gone recently, to those who're still here. I've had excellent moments, and who knows, depending on how things evolve, maybe there'll be others again at some later point? A big thanks to Infinite Circle Also, a big hug to all the people in Vector. I'm sorry that I haven't been a very good leader, with my dwindling time and lack of motivation in the last months, and for this I apologize, but I want you guys to know that I've really liked these months spent RPing together. Once again - who knows, maybe someday things will go better and we can start again?
Until then... not so long, but thanks for the fish all the same.))
- AO webcomics for the sake of being silly
))
