"Of Porsches and traffic lights..."
Somehow, I cant get quite the hold of this dream... Listen now - it is so surreal...
I ordered a brand new, shiny, fresh-from-the-factory Porsche. The deal is done and I am waiting for the delivery. Not really knowing what to expect, I am standing infront of the auto-shop dealer chatting mindlessly when suddenly - poof! I mean POOF! -- and I am transported to a su****iously strange place!
All I can see in front of my eyes is my Porsche! My P-O-R-C-H-E!!! All outside is chrome, gold and diamonds! Woot, my dear friends! Woot!
Next, I find myself INSIDE it! And it is A BEAUTY, I am telling you! The veiw outside is-- Hmm, I feel no support against my back?! "No seat?!". It looks my butt is on a some kind of rag...
"Bah! Never mind! Look out of the window, ffs! What a scenery!" No, actually I mean :
[....]
Outside the windows there is the most amazing neighborhood I have ever seen in my whole life! Pure marvel of architecture and extravaganza garden design! Not to mention the clear signs of a very expensive community support - every single detail is polished to perfection and shines like the diamonds of Her Majesty the Queen of the Monkey Island!!!
I put on the headphones (beats me too - car with headphones) and start to sing along with Sachmo "What a wonderful wo-o-orld!". Oh boy! I FEEL GOOD! "Now lets drive around a bit! Surely there is a place in this splendid city for me settle down!"
I reach out with my right hand and ... feel nothing! Ug-oh, something's not quite right... Where the hell is the starter key or whatever comes with a Porsche! No RPM gauge?!
I lean back on the rag to check the situation under the steering wheel--
(Did I tell you? In the brochure it says "A suprise wheel for our first 20 mil clients!". They keot the promisse - it is made of some exotic wood and smells like a deep lustful secret...)
-- damn! No pedals as well!
I slam the headphones down on the floor! "I am gonna call that Shop right now!"
- Yo, Shop!!!
- Greetings, driver. How may I help you today?
- C'mon man! You knew it all along - the car inside is total crap!
- What do you mean?
- There is no starter, no pedals, not even a GD speedometer, ffs!
- It is meant to be that way...
- Wha!?
- I understand your frustration...
- No, you have NO undersatnding for any frustration, let alone mine! I cant even start this $%^t!
- Ah, let me help you with that - there is one little handle on the right side of the steering--
- Yes? This small thingy here?!
- Turn it to move the car forward--
- Aha...
- Is there anything -else- I can help you with?
- Wait! Let me try first... Hmm I dont see any effect...
- Well, turn a bit faster--
- ...
- Faster!
- Ah, yes I think I moved a centimeter, but--
- Centimeter?
- 0.4 of an inch, you know--
- Ah, Europe, I see...
- Is there anything -else- I can help you with?
- But thats so slow! I hardly moved and my fingers ache already!
- Well, it works as designed.
- Still - it sucks! And my fingers r-e-a-l-l-y hurt now!
- You should use our Suspend-o-mat - it will support your elbow and it will hurt less... plus you will get used to it.
- Is there anything -else- I can help you with?
- Gezz, go, go already!
So, after an hour or so I am still turning this tiny little handle and the car painfully moves millimeter by millimeter. A day passes... And strangely I am still inside - fingers on the handle restlessly turning it...
Somehow, masochism has nothing to do with it (I surely am hoping that!), but I actually enjoy the ride! The houses outside are superb! The trees, the dog, the fire hydrant - everything is absolutely perfect! I mean - colours, shapes, sounds - you name it - it is all exquisite!
Well, form time to time a car drops from nowhere or just poofs... But thats OK, I assure you! When you call to the Shop you always get the comforting :"We know about that effect, it works as intended"
Besides all other cars move with the same speed. So no biggie! We even occasionally pull down the windows and chat a bit while racing down the streets with 1 km/day. There is a good side wind so it almost feels like a fast car.
As it goes in dreams, I find myself again in my car but somehow a week later. Sitting on a slightly better rag. Dunno how, but it feels a bit like better padded...
All outside is as usual - amazing! The cars, the houses, the trees, the dog and the--
Wait a minute! Didnt I see EXACTLY the same dog pissing on this very fire hydrant just 2 hours ago!? And again 2 hours ago!? Damn! Whats going on here!
- Shop!!!
- Greetings, driver. How may I help you today?
- This dog--
- It is a know issue, the dog pisses the same hydrant the same way. At this moment though we cannot do anything.
- But...
- No worries, we will paint the hydrant different colour next time we sent the street developers. All is fine! You are OK! Drive on!
- ...
- Is there anything -else- I can help you with?
- $%^#@!
But do you know whats the worst?
"They lied and didnt paint the hydrant?" - you say.
Naah, it changed colour over 10 times, it is r-e-a-l-l-y OK now!
What bothers me is that there are these traffic lights. Whenever you reach an intersection it is NEVER green. There is no traffic accost either. (Dunno why but seems we all drive along the same street.) But you must stop at red! Otherwise the Shop says it will evict you from you car! God forbid!! So you stop. The red stays for 20-25 min and only then turns green. Sometimes after 25 min there goes yellow. "Yeah, baby" You start turning the little handle like a madman - "Am gonna blow the engine now! Yeah baby!" you pep yourself while moving your butt around to get more comfy on the heavily padded rug....
Sadly the traffic light goes back to red! Damn! Now you -have- to -relax- for another 25 min! AGAIN! I hate that!
But the worst of the worst - some drivers say there is this very special Streetlight. Very, v-e-r-y hard to get to. They call it "Light #666"! And it goes green ONLY every 18 hours...
Geez, I am glad I havent found that one yet!
