Freelance: Nanotechnician angry at Jobe over false advertising
Nanotechnician angry at Jobe over false advertising
February 17, 29481 - Danica Bast [Atlantean]
IRRK Freelance - You hear a lot of strange things as a clanner and I thought I had heard it all since i've been here but I have a contact who told me a story about a Clan Nanotechnician who, apparently very jaded, is raising interest in a lawsuit against the City of Jobe. I decided to find and meet with Michaela "Salvena" Scales from the Clan, Black Company, a very small, very quiet clan run by Xenoclast "Steelyglint" Arai. They are known supporters of Simon Silverstone and are rumored to have a strong interest in clan politics.
Hello and thank you for coming. How are you today?
"I'm good... a little tired...and there’s a crick in my left knee. I banged it on a cyborgs head the other day. No end of trouble...and that buzzing sound. Think the ballast is loose on my cyberdecks illuminator. See? It goes away when I tap on it.
Don't hear it? Well, I just tapped it. Of course you don't hear it. It'll come back."
For clarification, is it Mrs. or Ms.?
"Oh, it's not Ms. or Mrs. anything. It's Salvena - or, 'That NT what nuked me to death' I get pretty frequently. And 'Nerf'? But I am not too fond of that one."
So, you're not married.
"No, no, no. Not married and not looking. Not unless the Mecha-Liberationists have their way and then I guess my cyberdeck and I might qualify for Domestic Partner benefits."
Tell me, why are you considering a lawsuit against the City of Jobe?
"I guess the specific problem I have is stupid people. No, no... I am not blaming Jobe for stupid people. I am saying that the problem itself lies in stupid people and the things they do. Say you're plodding your way through an abandoned subway tunnel and come across a Slayerdroid and a mech-hound. Obviously, the slayerdroid is a bigger threat, so you level off your gun - or rifle - that pew-pew thing you use, there. And you open fire. All well and good. Gold star for you, you have done the right and good thing."
Okay... go on.
"If I am there, or heaven forbid, another Nano-Technician of equal skill and charm, it is my job to 'support' you. Now, the immediate threat on my HUD is not the Slayerdroid, as you have been such a gentleman and have tied that up for me. *smiles sweetly* Thanks! But instead, it's that pesky mechanical newspaper-fetcher there. I lay into it with a calm. I sedate it, and let it dream happy little dreams of vivisecting Omni-mailmen or whatever it is those things dream about; and then proceed to help you in the earnest task of dismantling said slayer-droid.
All is right with the world!"
So where is the problem?
"I'm getting to that... Where was I? Oh..until another squad member Neutral Nate the grid-armor wearing fixer decides he wants a piece of that doggy in the window, and opens up on it, instead of the Slayerdroid."
I think i'm beginning to see the problem. Please continue.
"Now... you have to pause and ask yourself. Why is Nate doing this? The Slayerdroid is obviously the engaged target; I mean, it's the only one moving! And those scythe like blades coming down on you, or brave soldier, should be a pretty big highlight of the clear and present danger...
Well, this is because Neuter Nate the Grid Armor Mk whatever wearing Fixer is what we in the science community call 'stupid'. The single greatest threat to our Enlightened Times. Stupidity is not as epidemic as all that, but it's still pretty annoying."
How can you differentiate stupidity from bad decisions?
"Easy. Here are some telltale signs: A - The patient runs around in blue stretchy underpants of Grid-Space. Okay, I made that one up, but that stuff REALLY annoys me. B - The patient has an absurd lack of 'Grasp of the Obvious'. C - The patient constantly exibits signs of self-destructive behavior such as running headlong into overwhelming odds, ridiculous grasps of the careers of others and chronic neutrality. Finally, D - The patient appears to communicate by slamming their foreheads into their wrist comm. Of note would appear to be some kind of hideout mutation of the forehead that seems to only impact on the keys 'LOL STFU NEWB'. It is not clear if this deformation is congenital or an after effect of some kind of braincase trauma."
So what does Jobe have to do with this?
"JOBE enters into the equation in the form of a small product they produce and distribute called Neuronal Stimulator. This miracle of nano-tech is apparently a means to focus the nano-cloud inward to the brain and specifically the occipital lobes; facilitating communication along neural pathways, and even assisting in the construction of dendrite connections - effectively assisting the user in combating that plague known as 'stupidity'."
Where does the lawsuit come in?
"My suit centers on the fact that it doesn't work. It's just plain false advertising. And I am not talking about a select percentage of the population that is just, somehow, immune to it's effects. It's proven - people ask for this stuff like it's nano-gold! I pass it out to young little guys dressed in med-suits and bio-armor all day.
Yes, in cases like Young Neuter Nate, symptoms of 'stupidity' persist. Now, they advertise this stuff as some kind of miracle cure and I got to tell you - that's just pattently false. So, I contacted a friend of a friend of a friend who is in with some people at the legal department of the ICC; he says we might have a case."
Okay. You are saying that Neuronal Stimulator does not make people smarter and that is the case for the lawsuit.
"Yes, insomuch as if a lack of intelligence is meant to be cured by the application of said product in a manner consistent with on-package directions and after consultation of a Doctor - and I might mention I have a complete Nano-Technology Doctorate from no less than five recognized Academies."
What do you hope to accomplish with this lawsuit against the leaders of Jobe? Are you looking for monetary gain or for them to re-define their product?
"No, no monetary gain. Just a refund of the purchase price of the product, and a cessation of the ridiculous claim that this product increases the intelligence of the target. Or at least some kind of disclaimer that states it may not cure all effects of stupidity, or some such.
I should also point out that I am not a hard case about all JOBE products. Some of them I swear by, like my slightly modified and enhanced Izgimmer Cyberdeck here. It's very impressive the innovations they can come up with, and a great deal of them actually perform as advertised. I just think Neuronal Stimulator fell short of the mark, and they should be big enough to accept that."
Okay, thank you for the concise answers. I have two questions left and I know you're a busy person.
"Sure, shoot."
You've recently been listed as wanted by Omni-Pol. What are your thoughts on that?
"Oh, but that's a terrible picture of me. I should send somethig more current to Omni-Pol. At least they spelled my name right. Although, I ain't too fond of Michaela. My father wanted a boy, you see?
Hmm? Is it true? Oh, yeah. And then some. I mean, this is my only warrant - so far as I know - but that's because it's the only time I been caught or at least left someone around to do the fingering.
Will have to do a better job of cleanup. You mind if I keep a copy of this? Put it on my wall next to some blurry surveillance photos that were almost warrants."
Final question... Are all Nano technicians this crazy?
"I prefer the term... 'eccentric'. The short answer is; most likely. I mean, who wakes up in the morning and says 'I think I shall warp the laws of time-space today with a hoard of billions of microscopic machines. It takes a certain broadened horizon of the mind to conceptualize just what the applications of this technology are. I am sure that, without those of us who dare to dream, Omni-Tek would have a big robotic flea-circus factory on their hands.
Although, I will profess a certain... shall we say... mean streak? I mean; the potential for construction, production and repair with nano-bot technology is truly astounding, but I find that to be a bit too macroscopic. Too limited. Instead, I like to think about new and exciting ways to have my little friends reduce someone to their component atoms. I mean, have you ever seen the look on an Omni-Pol Enforcers face as his vital organs turn to marmalade, have you? It's a riot!
There is just something exhilarating about the crack of thunder as a few hundred amps of energy transfer across a path of ionized air and send someone or something into a convulsive fit. The hiss and pop as your turn several layers of skin into flesh-eating acid. Or just the quiet hum of a billion machines mining the very air around me for notum. It's simply amazing to me.
Oh, and I derive a good deal of pleasure killing Omni-Tek people. Especially Bureaucrats...I guess that might qualify me for an institution or two. Ah, well.
As I always say; The only thing better than the look of horror on an Omni's face is knowing you put it there."
Ms. Scales, it's been a pleasure talking with you. I hope for the best in your potential suit against Jobe.
