Guard Duty

[Saletor]

This is just a story I am writing as It comes.

I was walking from the Grid to Bronto Burger to pick a double cheese Bronto burger, when I noticed one of my guards in a fight with a citizen. I aproached them easily, I was off duty, just getting back from exploring places in Clon****. I still was wet and my swim suit was soaked, and so when I came up to the guard, he was unsure of who I was. He called for backup because quiet a crowd had gathered round the argument. Obviously the man was drunk, holding a bottle of Hit the Floor Jack in both his hands, and his clothes stenched with beer and Jack Daniels. I said "Hello Corporal," adding "What is going on here?" While taking my Identification pass, letting the corporal glance at it, and taking out my MTI Solar Pistol. He explained that he was trying the man to go back to his apartment, the man was arguing he didn't want because his wife had just been kidnapped and someone took his kid too, along with all his armor, weapons and nano crystals. As the conversation went on, I tryed to get the man go back to his apartment, even offering to walk him home but to no avail, it did not work. Believing his statements were induced by the beer. We eventually got some Omni-Med guys there and they detoxed him quickly, I was quick to question him about his problems, noticing he had mentioned clanners many times during his quick blurts of english. He told me that while he was sleeping, using sleeping stimulants because he was having a bad time trying to sleep so he tried them one night, but when he woke up, He saw a note written in blood scribbled on the wall saying "ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST!" He immediately jumped up, searching the entire house, finding no one, he started to cry, running to from his slum outside of Omni-1 to Omni-Pol HeadQuarters in Rome, I was informed of the Missing persons case because there had been not one for so long. I was on my off day though, and though that General Gencop, or General Punchline would handle it, I soon realized that the Dust brigade could still be in Omni-1 in Hiding, Quickly interupting our conversation, talking into the Comlink "Put Out 5 Extra guards for every 75 square feet." Returning to my conversation I said "Thank you for your information, Please go home, and sleep, We will be in Contact with you Mr. Tayson." I returned to Head quarters telling the other Omni-Pol Generals what had happened, soon I dispatched Black Ops all over the city. I sent guards to Rompa Bar, and Baboons which I believed may be the target of an attack because of the Annual Omni-Tek Day Party. I walked into Rompa Bar with people screaming because of the sudden entrance of Fully equipped Omni-Pol Guards, and a quick reprimand from Aktrez Joor "What is going on here?!" She Asked "Official Business Ma'am, there has been suggested that there may be a bomb threat, we suggest you evacuate the bar, but it is not over our control so you have the power of what you will do." I replied, Soon over a loudspeaker was heard "We need to evacuate Rompa Bar for all of your safety, Please leave now, calmly." She anounced "Thank you," I left the building leaving my guards, heading to baboons, I entered, and was greeted by Thyme, a person I am not especially fond of. The Club was luckily mostly empty because of the grid lag it was encountering. I left the Club gridding to Omni-HQ, I ran to Omni-Admin Encountering Mr. Ross, I explained the Situation to him, remaining calm. We were walking down a corridor on the way to his office, feeling an immense shockwave, knocking us off our feet, I grabbed for my Comlink shouting "REPORT!"... No answer.....



Oh, and I know this is a short story, comparing it to some, I just wanted to write something quick, also this is my first submission, so, be easy on me


To be continued...
Please forgive me if I used your name without permission, and forgive me for any spelling/gramatical errors, I was not paying attention to anything but my writing, I also, would like to say, this story is just that, a story, having nothing to do with any in game players outcome. With that said, I hope you liked it!

[Saletor]

By the Way, I think the story's Transitions are too fast, well maybe next time...

[___________Arcanegel]

paragraph breaks would help the flow better, it felt like a big run on sentence. it has the making of a very nice little story, just take your time. Use more descriptive verse to describe the souroundings to give us an idea of whats going on around us, not just telling us.

I too felt the story breaks were quite fast and left little character development so i didnt really feel anything for the characters as i read. Every Epic needs a rogh draft, if you want to really do this you can. I love writing and want to do it for a living here soon. PLEASE check my posts on this forum under " A First Class Resort" and "In the Land of the Blind"

I only give constructive criticism, and am happy to offer ideas. check mine out and lemme know.

an example of descriptive verse.

my swimsuit was still wet.

turn that into something like this:

I pulled myself from the pool, the air cooled water rushed down my body in small running streams. My Miir Black Velvet shorts clung to my legs as the water still rained down as I approached the scene, blah blah blah

it really gives you a visual image of whats going on and allows the reader to put themselves in your story.

anyway, g'luck wit it!

Arc

[Saletor]

Thanks man, that does help