hehe. found this while cleaning up my back packs in an old book.
The Complete and Utter Atrox's Guide to Making a Baloney Sandwich
by David Neilsen
Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to making a Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin!
We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already
possess each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this
sandwich. It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't
have time to take you shopping.
So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make
your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your
cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates
are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates
are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is
it? Just... forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your
hands. Perfect. Put it down. On the counter, not the floor.
Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.
Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer
white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll... you're just staring at
me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what?
What kind of bread do you have?
Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.
Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than
three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of
Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is?
OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.
Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and
beer, too. That's the one.
Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo... you're giving me that
look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise.
It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a
white sandwich spread but... fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on
the counter next to the bread.
OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say...
ugh! Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip
where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the
cheese. Any kind will do. Oh, just pick one!
No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What in the world
are you doing with brie?
How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes!
That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now
go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can
happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for
baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat.
You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat.
That's bacon.
Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food.
No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you
don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.
OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich.
Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What
do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya
go! Now you need a knife.
Oh give me a break!
You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull.
Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before
you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No,
that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp.
Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring
knife!
OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the
Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on
the slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.
Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave
the spread.
There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a
regular Julia Childs now!
She's a famous cook... nevermind.
OK, Now you are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of
bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just
pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how it's
opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one
of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this.
Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.
Stop giggling.
The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife... the
other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of
cheese open. Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting
the cheese! Just slice the stupid thing open!
Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord
help us all.
Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay
it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be
living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut
yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more
than two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner!
Just... measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two
slices thick. What are you... DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!!
You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away!
You're just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this.
Don't look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!
Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle
Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the
Miracle Whip side facing out!
Because I said so!!!
OK. Pick up the sandwich.
Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus.
the best part of this game is the people
