The Mask and Mirror

[Demenzia]

"Something I can tell you... She doesn't hate you."

Had he been right in letting her know?... He couldn't tell. he honestly couldn't tell, and it any case, it was now too late. Maybe it'd divert her hatred from Jen a little - divert it, direct it on him instead, balanced by the sheer curiosity he could sense in her. hating him, yet not willing to get rid of her... new 'guinea pig', in some way. Maybe it would simply do no good, or do nothing. Of course... now her confusion was total, making a mental smirk arise in his thoughts. If she thought about Jen's feelings, she wasn't thinking about him, about what he was, about his reason to exist. Keeping her on the edge of confusion... that was something interesting. Interesting, and somewhat cruelly exciting. He hadn't really appreciated her comment about his love for Jen, after all; now it was time to caach her off-balance again. Neither him nor Jen deserved such contempt, such acrid comments. She hadn't any right to doubt of his love for Jen!...

There was this blank look on Elicia's face again, when she simply stared at him and let out a flat "Then what?"; but he had very well noticed how her hand had suddenly frozen, holding her cup of coffee mid-way from her mouth, her fingers clutching very hard at the cup as if not to shake.

"Then? Don't you understand yet?" he arched an eyebrow, staring back, wondering by which miracle his calm wasn't itself shattered yet.

"Not when you speak in code, Heiji", was her answer, and he got confirmation in this very moment that she wasn't as much at ease as she pretended to be, that his words, all his words since the beginning of their meeting, were still taunting her. That she hated the way he was toying with her. That he had aimed right. She briefly raised a hand to her comm unit, as a discrete beeping signal was warning her about an incoming transmission, and he heard her answer: "Yes?...No...just relaxing in Reets... I'd rather not...need some time alone. Will call you later, ok?"

He simply shook the head, not knowing whether to smirk again or to be saddened by her attitude. The short call had given her time to regain her composure, maybe to think even more about what he had said. She was surprised, surprised and confused, he could see it behind the mask. "Sorry about that", she said, though she wasn't really sorry - why should she, it was only this weird, wicked, mad good old Heiji she was talking to, after all. "No... you don't understand. I can see it", he retorted, very well decided not to allow her to escape through another subject.

"Then educate me!" There it was. Exasperation. Slight, yet growing nervousness again. She wanted, she needed to know, despite her uncaring whereabouts. Heiji stared at her with a saddened and patient look this time, as if he was trying to explain a very important matter to a young child, searching for the right words to use to express what was to him an evidence, and should have been one to her too. "O nee-chan. She's the only one... holding my hand."

Taking her completely off-guard, indeed. The mask dropped in the fraction of a second, leaving room to a baffled expression, and to an utter inability to speak. Another point for him, though this wasn't as amusing as he'd have thought. How long did he need to explain? How long before she truly understood... understood what was hurting him so much, also. The fact that Jen simply couldn't hate the Clanner woman. Not this one. He was very aware to whom her only hate laid, of course; that she simply didn't want more hate in her life, that it was already hard enough this way. "She knew from the start that retaliation would come", the dead Fixer absently went on, as if recalling an old yet still painful memory. " She knew it. And she still... doesn't hate you. I told you. I did a promise to her."

"...She's holding you back. She is protecting me from you..." Elicia finally stated, blinking, as if she hadn't completely grasped all the meaning of his words, yet was trying hard to. He let a bitter smile come to his lips: "That's where all the irony lies, Elicia-chan. Isn't it?" She had to agree on this. She did, actually.

He gave a sudden harsh laugh, again. So much irony in this situation."Revenge's useless. That's what she said." Can you believe it, o nee-chan? When you and your friends almost managed to shatter her persona into tiny shards... can you believe it?

But Wahsko was still focused on his words. Still trying to understand. "And if she freed you from your promise?"

"If she frees me, then I'll kill you."

[Tussa]

"If she frees me, then I'll kill you."

It was as simple as that. She frowned, thinking there had to be something else behind this. His hate was so strong...too strong. Something must have happened in the desert. Or after Jen got back…or before all this. Maybe even years before. She couldn't possibly know, but his hate was fired at her in pulses of cold anger. She could handle it, but as she looked at the seemingly calm face in front of her, she wondered about the pain and anguish that fed the hate. Who was this man? Whatever he had done to her, she couldn't help but pity him. Pity him for his lack of a normal life. Pity him for the pain he was carrying. Pity him for his…obvious torment of this promise he made to Jen? He didn't want that promise in his life any more than he wanted her, the clanner doctor, in it. But Jen had made him promise, and however mad this man seemed, he would keep his promise, she thought. At least until he could find some way of getting her to attack Jen. That had to be what was fuelling his anger. The mere pressure of restraining himself.

"Well...give her a message from me, will you?" she asked him. Heiji looked at her, a hint of surprise, and stayed silent for several seconds, again as if he was debating with himself whether or not he could do that. A little hesitantly he said "...I'll see what I can do" before shrouding his face again. "Tell her that I have no desire of hurting her or seeing her dead. But I will defend myself, and so will others. If you decide to break your promise, Heiji, I will have nothing else to do but to defend my life, just as much as you tried defending her in Tranquility. And that means you will both die. Although that is not what I wish." She didn't mean to make a long speech about her obvious advantage over Jen in battle, because that had nothing to do with the point behind her words. She only wanted him to know that she wouldn't hurt Jen, and only he could make her do it. If he broke his promise.

"That's not what I wish either. And that's why I agreed to make this promise. But..." As she sipped her coffee, now lukewarm, he shook his head, refusing himself to say any more. "Yes?" she asked, trying to get his words out of him. "...No. Nothing. Thoughts pondered by a mind that shouldn’t be here anymore. Simply...thoughts." He had gotten this blank expression again, the one that hid what he was really thinking, but she sensed annoyance in his eyes, even behind the dark glasses. He was clenching the cup, and the jaw muscles tensed every now and again. A wicked thought sprung in her mind, a cruel one, actually. Could she make him break his promise? Easy now! Why would you do that? Keep the cease-fire you have going now. Don't push any buttons you shouldn't push. She dismissed the thought and instead said "You know, Heiji....sometimes thoughts spoken in words can heal wounds and make things clearer. Although I presume I am not the right one to talk to." She smiled to him, hoping he understood she wasn't suggesting he did. The pain she could see in him wouldn't go away, at least not while she was there. She saw his hand trembling, clenching the cup. His face pale, not only by the characteristic face make-up Jen favoured, but also by pure tension, as if restraining himself from jumping her throat. His hatred…so strong. She knew she had to be careful. Again, she didn't fear his attack. Rather the fact that he could simply walk away, and she wouldn't get to talk to him anymore. She was far too interested now to have him walk away. When he spoke, he didn't even open his mouth, the words came through his teeth, in angry staccato. "No. You're right. You're not."

She looked at him, his anger and pain booming against her. She didn't need any further explanation. He wanted her dead. Simple as that. And if he could, he would do anything in his power to get rid of her. But Jen held him back. As confusing as that was, she could relate. After all…she didn't want to see Jen hurt either, and she couldn't explain why. The very thought of it had clouded her mind, making her confused to the point where she was doubting herself and her loyalty. But then the human factor came in. She had remembered something from the past, and she wouldn't do that again. And that was all the reason she needed.

"You really want me dead, don't you...and still she, or rather the promise you made to her, holds you back. A sense of respect, honour and love, it seems." She meant every word, and she was actually feeling a bit of admiration over this man, over his selfcontrol and code of honour. Could she have done the same?

"I could never look at myself again if I wasn't able to give her at least that."

"Then you must care very much for her. And not only for selfish reasons."

Heiji got this absent look again, and slowly smiled. She had no idea what he was thinking, but at least he wasn't as hostile as before. The relationship between Heiji and Jen had to be nothing short but unique. Whatever it was that had put them in this awkward and quite frankly, extreme, situation, seemed to have tied them together like Siamese twins, only mentally, not physically. "Reasons you can't understand" Heiji said in a slow, saddened tone, like he had given up on making her understand the impossible.

"I guess...you are both lucky to have eachother, however strange that sounds" she said, and was thinking of the loneliness of the man whom she spoke to, and the young fixer she knew so little about. However much her anger against them both flared, she couldn't help but pity their situation and thank the powers that be that it wasn't her. Heiji shrugged, like he didn't care and simply said "Lucky…if you want."

Suddenly she wondered if Jen was 'listening' to their conversation. If she was aware it even happened. He was in control of the body. A body that wasn't even his.

"So...I wonder...will she know about this?"

[Demenzia]

"So...I wonder...will she know about this?"

A few seconds of silence. Once again, the familiar thought... did he have the right to let her know? Then Heiji simply dismissed it.

"She'll know if I want her to", he answered, without any smile or smirk this time, yet in a firm voice. Let the Clanner woman think whatever she would about this. He'd probably sooner or later mention it to Jen, for if the both of them were to meet again - and given how much the Fixer tended to travel, even into hostile territory, this was very likely to happen - she'd better be prepared to any 'revelation' Washko could tell her about the current encounter. Yet let her think what she waned. Let her think... she could use this against him. If she tried to, it would be another unpleasant surprise for her.

"Controlling her, aren't you. Is that really fair to her?" the Doctor smirked, as if to enforce the fact that he was an intruder, that he had nothing to do here in this very moment. He didn't even blinked, although the new burst of anger surging in him was hard to control. Not very fair. But he also had the right to live. Why did they all wanted to suppress him... to deny him this right? First Cratty... telling - no! - demanding him to stop thinking, to stop bothering Jen. Neither him nor Jen had asked to be put in such a situation. If he couldn't even have the right to thin... he would end up completely mad - and Jen with him.

Besides...

Besides, meeting this woman now, in her current mental state, would have been a disaster for what remained of Jen's fragile sanity.

"This is the only way I have to... Hmph. No. You wouldn't understand either." Heiji slowly clenched his fists, however managing to keep his steady attitude. He wasn't even really angry, in fact - rather... sad. Sad that things couldn't be different. "I could make you understand by killing you, but you see where this would bring me."

"Of course not....to you I'm just this silly, naïve clanner doc...." Washko smirked, yet her voice still ended with a sigh.

In spite of his hate for the woman, Heiji was still feeling a sort of need to explain - to try to, at least, not so that she'd understand what he was - he wouldn't leave her this pleasure -, but to see whether she was actually able to grasp these concepts, or was still thinking he simply was a chimera, out of Jen's mind, one of these clinical 'alternate personalities'. "It's not a matter or being naive or not. It's a matter of... experience? Yes. Experience."

"Well...as I said...this is the first time I have had the chance to meet someone like you..."

Another sad smile. Once again, she wasn't really understanding. It wasn't a matter of being an alternate persona or a real one. It was a matter of being alive, and of being dead. That wasn't the kind of experience he was taking about, and he told her; but it wasn't really mattering anymore now.

"You can't expect people to have field expertise for something this rare. And you're right. I don't understand. I might never understand what your life is like. But you don't give me the chance either!" Elicia exclaimed, almost throwing the words at him. He could sense exasperation in her again - exasperation, a slight note of anger, a trace of fear and despair, fear that he might simply decide to walk away, leaving ehr in the dark... And he could do it. He could. Even better, he simply had to Grid out, and she would never be able to follow and do so as fast as he could. He could. Why he wasn't doing it was an obscure matter he himself didn't understand very well. A twisted curiosity, maybe. Some sort of need to make her wonder, more and more, until she wouldn't be able to put their 'case' out of her mind. Cruelty, again. And he realized that he didn't care about how awfully he could behave.

"Why would I? It can't be explained. Well - no. It can be, but it can't really be understood. Not only by you", he added.

"How can you be sure?"

"I'm not. But I don't see, either, why I would tell you. We don't trust each other. That's a normal procedure - no, wait. A normal process, rather."

"Well... on this we agree."

Heiji slightly frowned for a few seconds. It was odd... hearing her word this comment, such a simple statement... yet one that could be so much of a problem! He could only agree, too - agreeing that they were agreeing... so weird!...

"I don't understand, but I am trying to grasp what impact this has on both you and Jen. For some odd reason it makes me care about you. And that is dangerous. I have no problem admitting this to you. Or even her. It is not only in my line of work, but in my blood as well."

Elica fell silent again, her features now bearing a surprised expression, as if she was only realizing what she had just admitted, despite what she claimed. For admittance it was, at least to Heiji's eyes, even though he was certainly as surprised as her now. Caring for him... even a little? For Jen, he could have understood... after all, she already had expressed it, and each time, when she had, there had been this very specific... makoto no kimochi about her. A feeling of sincerity. Now this... this... He tried to dismiss this idea too. She couldn't be caring for him. Which left only pity.. and her pity... he didn't need nor want it. For all that he cared, she could keep this for herself!...

He however managed to hide his anger behind a sarcastic, nasty little chuckle. "This is another irony, Elicia. By telling this to me, I've think you've betrayed your friends more than you'd even have been able to when we had our hands on you." Heiji himself wasn't convinced with these words, merely telling them to annoy her - getting rid of the anger by making it rise in her... And however... however... she shouldn't even have expressed any feeling, any interest toward Jen's and his case. The fact that she did was going beyond the Doctor's simple curiosity. It was, in a way... yes, a small treason. Even for a minute. Even for an infinitesimal time span. A real paradox, given the way she had been treated in Omni land, that is.

"Oh, but you are wrong, Heiji." She shook her head in denial, appearing quite self-confident; yet there was something else, for a brief second - a shadow of doubt painted on her features, quickly replaced by condescendence again. Certainly he would never know what it was about, but maybe, maybe he aimed at a sore spot, a spot that she herself was still ignoring a few minutes before.

"Really? I'm not so sure of this assertion", he casually retorted.

"You could probably never know what drives me. Or maybe you could", Elicia smirked, going on. "Our lives are very different." As if he didn't know it already... really! "Also our loyalties, to what we bind ourselves." Pretty words to mark a pretty feeling, but he could still perceive the confusion in her, oh so slight, that his words had aroused. He prevented himsel from smirking, knowing that it would only make her claim it more strongly. Time would tell - for he didn't doubt she was someone used to think a lot... someone who let her emotions surround ehr, sometimes drown her, to the point of making her unhesitant. This at least was something neither he nor Jen shared with her... the young Fixer being simply too whimsical, and himself... too focused on existing that any form of inaction was more and more becoming a hassle.

"Maybe I could knw what drives you,. Yes. If I cared about knowing, I'd probably do it", Heiji said, arching an eyebrow, one of Jen's favorite expressions. "The question is: do I care." He let out a cold chuckle. Elicia was agreeing with him on this point, her words and eyes were telling him so. Then, taking another sip of her coffee, she looked at him again:

"But you care about her."

[Tussa]

"But you care about her."

Heiji looked at her more fiercely than he had ever done before. His eyes were fogged with anger, hate and bloodlust. His hands were clenched, holding his cup so hard she thought it would crack any second. Every time she had mentioned something about his feelings for Jen he very nearly exploded. It must have taken enormous willpower to not jump her throat. But she refused to pamper him. This man…dead or alive or whatever he was needed to hear a few words he didn’t necessarily like. Welcome to the real world, Heiji. The one with alive people in it. She didn't question his affection for Jen. It was obvious. His continuous reluctance to talk to her like any other normal person was getting on her nerves, and was also seriously doubting how this strange fusion of Heiji and Jen could be at all healthy for the young fixer.

Heiji still looked at her with a blind kind of hate. Between his teeth he spat out "I care about her. Yes. And that's probably the only thing I really care about." He finally said it out loud. But then again, this man said so many things. Things that made her confused, things that made her mad. He had made her doubt herself again, just seconds ago. Was she really betraying her friends again, just by talking to him? Before she could continue her throughttrain, he spoke again.

"Look, I'd really like to grab you by your hair and send you say a little hello to the very neat glass of this table. Does this sound so odd, tell me?"

That wasn't odd at all. Not really, when considering his fuming anger towards her. In his eyes she was fully and solely responsible for whatever happened to Jen in the deserts of Perpetual Wastelands after he so boldly had taken control over Jens body and escaped. However, one would think she too wanted to hurt him, after what he did. Somewhere deep in her mind something stirred, but she pushed it back. No, she didn't want to do that.

"Not at all. As I would be more than happy to send you off to somewhere where you could pose no danger to anyone. But...I cannot. Or will not."

Heiji looked at the glass table they sat at, unresponsive, and continued "Hm. Actually, I'd rather fear to dirty this nice table with your blood. Poor table." His voice was full of sarcasm, but he looked as he was talking to himself more than to her. She shrugged. He couldn't scare with blatant threats of violence. But then he looked up, his eyes studying her, looking for something.

"Tell me, Elicia. Do you have blood on your hands? I don't mean because you defended yourself, of course. Do you know how it feels like?"

Inside her, a very old memory was fed and brought to life. She tried suppressing it, forgetting it, not letting it come to the surface. I will never let that happen again. Not that. It’s been years. Don’t let this prick destroy what you worked so hard for.

"If you mean...have I ever taken a life wilfully? Then yes. I know the feeling, and I don't like it. You seem to."

They were so different, the two of them. A passer-by could look at them and see two female friends chatting happily, talking about the next party or the sale at Miir. How far from the truth.

"I don't only seem. And I don't give a damn, either." His voice was very intense, and he looked at her with what she could only describe as fanatical rage. Suddenly he grabbed his now empty cup of coffee, raised his arm and casually dropped the cup. It fell to the floor, broken in hundreds of pieces. His eyes still fixed at her, he said "Oh, look. It's broken. And that's just another life." She understood what he was trying to do. He was showing her how little a life meant to him. How little a burden it was to him, to kill in cold blood. He had no feelings for the people he killed, and she figured that to him, killing was just like every other chore. Not something to fuss about. Not something hard to do. His face was peaceful now, calm, quiet and no shredding anger.

Her distaste for him had grown. No respect for life. So different from her. It had nothing to do with their side in the conflict on Rubi-Ka. It had nothing to do with her and Jens previous history. Heiji was mad, so mad that nothing meant anything to him anymore. Except Jen and perhaps himself, and that could very well be the only thing that kept him at bay.

"I guess you lost your empathy somewhere along the road. Only thing you care about is your precious half-existence. Enough to put her in grave danger to save your own life. But I refuse to become like you, and that is why I wouldn't want her dead."

He looked at her, again with the now so familiar despise in his eyes. "Did I ever say you had to?"

"Did I ever say, by the way, that I was still considering people like this?"

[Demenzia]

"Did I ever say, by the way, that I was still considering people like this?"

Heiji was feeling tired... very tired all of a sudden. Feelings were conflicting in him with such a strength that it was getting hard... getting hard to keep control over them, to keep control over himself, over his needs, over his hate... hard to keep control over Jen's mind. For a brief, he considered leaving the battle where it was... but this last thought caused a surge of willpower to bolt in him. He couldn't allow it, allow Jen to wake up, weak, confused, to face this... this situation. This woman. He loved her too much to allow more pain to hit her. And thus, he strengthened himself again. Strengthened his resolve, used his hate to feed him again, to keep on going. By which kind of miracle he was able to maintain this mask of his, this was a mystery he couldn't solve, not right now.

There was anger and despise in her eyes again. Anger at him, at his words, at what she thought he was. Disgust, too - the same disgust as 'sane' people have for those they think as 'different'. He felt angered by this thought, yet oddly... oddly, at the same time, he didn't care. There wasn't any need for him to justify his actions, anyways. Moreover, Heiji realized - and not without experiencing a slight fear - that he wasn't very sure himself of what he was doing. Why he was saying a thing, then another. Why he was... talking to her when he hated her so much, yet why, also, he was staying. Why he had agreed to do this promise to Jen. Why...

Was he still considering people this way? Not as humans, but as... items... that could be broken as easily as glass? Living for so long within Jen's mind, intertwined with her felings, had made him change, whether he wanted it or not. But sometimes, yes, sometimes, he felt like he could snap so easily... revert back to this terrifying state from before his death... revert back to the years of madness, in the blink of an eye, if the stimulus was too strong. Washko thought he was mad, indeed, for if she hadn't, then why this look in her eyes, on her face?

Was he still considering people like this?

Was it over? Was there a risk to snap again?...

And here she was, taking another sip of coffee. A casual attitude, yet dirsupted, from time to time, by the bursts of disgust he could feel in her...

"I only demonstrated what has once been a fact. And could become a reality again..." he finally let out, renouncing to explain anything more. She could understand that he was able to kill her like this... like if she was no more than broken glass... and yet, he hated her too much already for things to be this way.

"If she only freed you from your promise, yes, yes..." Elicia said, keeping on this casual tone, as if she didn't care.

He simply sighed, so lightly. "That's where I currently am, o nee-chan. Until she releases me of my promise... or forgets about it."

The Clanner suddenly frowned. Angered. Then a bold move from her part... testing him again, trying to see to which extent she could talk before causing him to lose his temper again. "Then why don't you ask her to do so? You seem to want my blood on your hands so badly!" For a second, she almost looked like she was about to leave her cup fall on the floor too, to open her arms, widely, as if to invite him to strike right at her heart. "I am here!

"...Why? You ask me why?...." Heiji frowned too, not knowing if he should laugh or jump at her throat for having said these words. No... she wasn't blind. She was... toying too.

"You could kill me. Get that fix of yours!" she added, contempt flaring in her whole attitude.

"Do you think I'd make her happy by doing so?" he flatly answered, his voice bearing all the cold anger that was his in this very moment... this very kind of anger that was so dangerous, because it left him very aware of his acts, while cutting all emotions from him. "I could, and it would be the last blow to..." he added, before grinding his teeth. Disgusted too, now. Disgusted, angered, tired, desperate. Warui kimochi... He almost had let it out, this time, the words carried by his anger, ripped of him by his hate. The last blow to her sanity.

Heiji's next words were no more than a whisper.

"...You don't know what they really did to her, Elicia..."

[Tussa]

"...You don't know what they really did to her, Elicia..."

He was back in Tranquility now. He was talking about those that had helped her get hold of Jen and bring her out there. They had reported that they had found her, and immediately brought her in. She couldn't possibly know what they had said to her. Heiji went on, still with this infinite sadness in his voice, his eyes looking so tired. He looked like he had given up. "You had been watching, and talking, but you don't know." So, he was talking about what they might have said in the room. He couldn't accuse her for something she hadn't heard? "I only know what I heard and saw. What more could I have known?" she asked him, hoping that he would realise that even though she hired those people to do a job, she had no control of their words.

Heiji looked at her again, a flash of despair in his eyes now. "And what did they...say to you, tell me?" She was so tired of his games. This man was a riddler, and he played a game she didn't like much. She had already told him that she wouldn't let Jen come to harm, and the drug was used to let her taste her own medicine, not kill her. Little had she known that it would really be Heiji that should taste it, but she couldn't do anything to change that. She was stubborn and wouldn't give in to his game, and expressed it to him as well.

"I'm going to tell you what they said. What he said, rather. He said, 'she'll never be the same again'. And that's why I am here today." He? She frowned, trying to remember all of the people there. She couldn't remember, and asked Heiji who 'he' was, who he was talking about. "The one who did the dirty job for you. You very well know, nee-chan! The one who gave her this shi't." She looked back at him and said "Ah…Lupoh". She knew who he meant. Lupoh had been the one that had administered the stim to Jen. Heijis face retracted in an expression of disgust and hate again. Not towards her this time, but towards the man they were talking about. The man she had been told was dead. "I can't even speak his name without feeling like...like...I can't tell how I'm feeling." Heiji said with a cold voice between gritted teeth.

"I heard he's dead. Your work I presume." If this indeed was his doing, then she figured Heiji would go after all the people there. Her as well, except Jen had made him promise not to touch her. Heiji looked at her, smirked and said "So many people wanted him dead, Elicia-nee-chan. Why do you assume that I'm behind every death that is now to happen on this good old Ka?" It was as if he was reading her mind, knowing exactly what she was thinking. Even though she felt sorry for Heiji, she didn’t have that much empathy for him right now. He was unable to see the similarity in his own actions and those of the man they talked about. "Well...did you happen to think that maybe others might not be the same after their encounter with Jen? But you don't care. Of course you don’t." Again she felt a burst of annoyance. He was so self-righteous, this man. His actions always held higher than others, even if they did the exact same thing. It was strange how people usually agreed that ever case had two sides, until they find they are one side in a case, themselves.

"Yes, I thought about it. But I can only take care of the person who matters to me. And this I'm going to do until I'm no more again." She could understand and relate to the defence in a persons action, but this man didn’t know his right from wrong. She had herself done many wrongful things, and now she regretted them. Every day she worked to keep the thoughts and memories at bay. Her situation could hardly be compared to Heijis, not even their lives could be compared. She was still no saint, would never be, but Heiji, in his anger and hate towards the world, was unable to see that what he did would only bring more pain, even to Jen. His arrogance and indifference angered her so much that she couldn't hold back sarcasm. "Of course...hundreds of other lives are not relevant. And it's of course really weird that they might think the same as you."

She looked at him and sighed. He wouldn't understand, he would never see. She didn't try to change him into a pacifist monk of some sort, she merely wanted him to see that he was no better than others, and his reasons not more just. Not that she thought he'd ever see her point. "You are one twisted mind Heiji and I don't envy Jen." He let out a short laugh, almost sinister, but also playful, because he knew something she didn’t.

"Yes, I'm a twisted mind. Death does that to you, dearie."

[Demenzia]

"Yes, I'm a twisted mind. Death does that to you, dearie."

His laughter was filled with bitterness, as well as his heart. Yes. He hadn't many feelings left, and he was very aware of the fact, although she would have been even more horrified at his doings if she had known him some fifteen years ago. A twisted mind. Indeed. A mind, a soul feeding on hate, trying to keep the little love he had left in him for Jen, and Jen only... his last remains of humanity turned toward the only thought of protecting her, of loving her. It was all he could still do to keep the madness away, to shelter her own sanity... the good feelings for her, the bad ones for the rest of the world. No, Washko couldn't understand what this drug... what her 'little lesson'... had done to Jen's psyche. To him. To their mind. It had made him realize how much he still cared for life, despite what he was thinking - how much he missed the simple fact of feeling alive, all in all, of having a body of his own. Was this desire... this need... making him a monster? And yet also... it had almost killed him. Killed this part the both of them shared. Killed their relationship, their very existence. Killed not only the Jen he knew, but Deannah's memory as well.

Heiji remembered. That he had given up, even for a brief moment, that he had accepted the cruel fact, the cruel fate of being forgotten, of falling into oblivion, forever - his own yomi, the one he feared so much, the one he was, very likely, fearing even more than the Jaded Dragon or the Queen of Crimson Tears from the stories he had heard when he was a young child. Yet he didn't know - and the way he had learnt how to use Jen's body in the last months had somewhat opened other horizons and other trains of thought to him - if she would be able to survive without him. Her mind... her memory... had needed his agreement to come back, such a long time ago. Maybe it wouldn't be the case anymore, but he honestly doubted it. Not after so many years.

So yes... he feared for Jen. He feared that his own hate would carry her away. He feared that her frailty would carry him away. And the fragile balance... This drug... this shi't... had destroyed this in a matter of a minutes. The chemical imbalance had been so strong... so violent...

"Her life might be easier without you taking control over her. Have you thought about that?" Wahsko's voice brought him back once again, as she was staring at him still, tilting her head. For a second, he felt like slapping her, slapping this reproachful look from her face. Instead, he did his best to keep his fists where they were, and answer calmly.

"Actually, you're taking the problem by the wrong end", he said. "I'm in... control for this very reason. So that she can rest a little." Maybe she wouldn't understand anyways. There was this strong desire to feel the sun on his skin again, of course... and there was also this painful awareness of Jen's distress, of her thoughts going more and more astray, of the black-outs... of her fear and sadness. Fear was making things worse - caused her memories to leap even more. He was... he couldn't leave her like this, fearing all day, all night long. This was destroying her as surely as the physical sequels.

"And if you released her this very moment? Or rather...your control of her", she went on. Nosy. Curious. Frowning. Wondering.

Slap her! SlapherslapherslapherSLAP HER! It exploded in him again, a maelstrom of anger and hate, as he felt his eyes open wide under the violent assault, body shivering under the pressure... fists clenched now so strong that wouldn't have been for the dark gloves always covering Jen's hands, her nails would have already been piercing the skin of her palms. He was losing it. He was losing it! If he didn't manage to suppress the storm right now, he was going to lose grip... she was going to wake up... the very situation he wanted to avoid so much... How it was hard... hard, and painful!... feeling the world turn to white around him, covered by the flaring, intense light of sheer hate... his vision blurring now, heart pounding as if it was going to explode under the effort of simply not letting the madness carry him away...

He looked at her - the only thing he was able to do in this very moment, frozen in what, to a stranger's eyes, could have seemed a rigid attitude, yet actually was only a pale reflection of the inner fight raging in him, so strong that there wasn't even anymore energy left to him to display any feeling. Staring, staring, his gaze certainly seeming very odd... unblinking, so focused it appeared like almost... uncaring, and yet, at the same time, fixed in an agony of hate.

And if you released her this very moment... He tried to ignore the echoes of her voice pounding in his head, to focus once again on the world surrounding him... focus on something, anything, that would make him forget the sheer... inhumanity of her words. And the worst was that she surely wasn't even aware of this!... Had she only wondered how she would have reacted, if she had been Jen and not Elicia, waking up, so suddenly, in a place where she couldn't remember having entered, and facing one of the people who were plaguing her dreams so often these days?... Maybe she had thought of it, and didn't care. Maybe it wasn't a genuine statement, maybe she was testing him again - and this time, this time, she was so close to succeed, so close to make him lose his grip!...

Perhaps, also, the very thought had given him enough strength to realize what was happening, and to resist the urge to give up, for he didn't want to concede any victory to her. Perhaps... or perhaps he was more strong-willed than he thought. As in a dream, he felt himself blink, once, twice, the vertigo slowly fading away, leaving him where he was, breathing hard, but mastering his control again. He couldn't allow himself to snap. He couldn't break his promise, kill her where she was sitting, in front of him, take the risk of having Jen's body wounded... he couldn't allow himself to let this killing tide carry him away once again. Something, deep inside of him, didn't want to follow the downard spiral again... something in him desperately wanted to calm down, to leave the murder and hate behind. A very fragile 'something', a 'something' that had been, no doubt about this, changed by Jen herself.

The hate wasn't however gone, and he only managed to spit words between his gritted teeth, unmoving, fists still clenched, fearing that even the slightest move would make him snap again.

" ...As much as you consider me as a monster, Elicia Washko, I am certainly not as twisted and disgusting as... as this!..."

[Tussa]

"...As much as you consider me as a monster, Elicia Washko, I am certainly not as twisted and disgusting as... as this!..."

She looked calmly at him. Again his whole body, Jens body, was shaking with anger. She should really watch her mouth. The last sentence was inhumane, she knew that, but something about Heiji made her want to push him. Push him just that extra little much…make him weak. What a terrible thing to do, really. She somehow cared about this person, cared enough about him to not want to hurt him except in self-defence, because she saw his weakness, his lonely excuse for a life. She didn't understand what had made Heiji and Jen what they were, but she wanted to find out. And pushing him, making him angry had proven to be useful. He had blurted out and exposed his soul much more than when he wore his mask. This perfect mask of carelessness. Except for the woman he shared his physical body with. Even though she believed him when he said that he would never release Jen at this moment, and even though she truly understood why…the impact on the young womans psyche could be devastating, especially if he hadn't done this before…something about Heiji made her believe that this man was capable of just about everything. He had proven her wrong. He wasn't. He wasn’t able to consciously hurt, frighten or make Jen suffer. And waking her up now would certainly not be pleasant for her. Still…she found some sort of sick pleasure in egging him up, making him angry, lose his grip…made him a bit more human than some sort of dead ghost in Jens mind.

"I'm not so sure, Heiji. Not at all" she said…knowing how this wouldn't calm him down, wouldn't put him at ease. This man, whom she had spoken to for quite some time now, was making her want to tease, want to pick, want to push the buttons. She was putting herself in a dangerous situation. She could really only trust his word that he would keep his promise to Jen, because after all…he had just now said that she would only remember what he allowed her to remember. He could hurt her, kill her…and not tell Jen. So she had to put faith in his words, and words alone. This leap of faith could prove dangerous…and still, she didn't care and continued to push him. How very unlike her.

"...Think what you want to think. I am certainly not releasing her now." He was still fuming, every cell in his body boasting with anger. He was holding his hands back, proof that he kept his promise. But for how long? He had calmed down a little, and stared at her, though his hands were clenching and unclenching while looking at her with dark eyes behind the sunglasses.

A silent beep, only perceptible to her, woke her up a little. It was a reminder from Kit…she had a patient to see, and she had to leave. Even though she really wasn't keen on it, she wasn't one to ditch her patients like that, even when in a unique situation like this. Maybe it was just as well, before the two of them started physically hurting eachother. She smiled to him and said "Well, Heiji…I must say...Although not exactly pleasant...our meeting has been interesting. Too bad Jen couldn't be here to share..." She let out a slight chuckle, and Heiji, while unmoving, said between gritted teeth "Yes... as you say...Too bad. You don't even know how..." He stopped, as if trying to hold back something he really didn't want to hold back. She had tired of this way of playing a conversation, and simply looked at him and motioned him to go on. "...how this last sentence was even more twisted than what I could have come up with myself." He was disgusted with her, she could see it from afar. But by now she didn't care. Obviously he wasn't too disgusted, or he would have walked away. Instead, she was leaving now.

One last time she looked at him. For all she knew she would never speak to Heiji again, even though she was hoping they'd meet again. By then, she would have talked to some of her friends, explained the situation and asked for someone to put in plain words how Heiji and Jen came to be what they were today. It could be a freak accident or it could have been intentional. Either way, she was determined to find impossible answers to her impossible question. But for now she was leaving him. She hesitated a bit and said "Well...give her my regards..."

"I suppose I can do that. Once I've brought her back home" he said, cool and calm. Their meeting had been so full of the entire registry of emotion. Not a few amount of times had they both been close to attacking eachother. It was not everyday she got as mad as she had been this evening. But whatever the cause, however much grief the two of them had caused eachother, they had still been sitting there, talking for a long time. Somehow, somewhere deep inside them they had found a mirror of themselves in the other person. A mirror reflecting their own thoughts. Not on all grounds, because they were far too different for that, but a reflection of themselves in past, present and maybe even future. Heiji had reminded her of a past she wanted to forget and even undo. She couldn’t know, but perhaps she reminded him of something. Something in his life that he had no more. Again, this feeling of care for the person in front of her. She pitied him for all the things he had lost and all the things he couldn't do. A negative reflection of herself, maybe. She cleared her mind. It was too much. She needed to think this through at a later time.

"I must be off...things to attend to, you know"
"Then go attend,” he simply said, still keeping a steady gaze at her.

She started to pack up her backpack and get ready to leave when a sudden flush of…not fear…something else rushed through her. "Weird...I'm about to turn my back to you and walk out, even though I know how you long for my blood" she said in a low voice, almost a whisper. She was going to…did she trust him or his word enough to simply walk away? She wasn't a coward one. Neither in battle or in everyday life. And she didn’t want him to have the power to scare her, so walking away, with her back towards him, leaving him in his anger, would show him just that.

"Do it. I won't pull out a gun and shoot you in the back." Heiji kept his stare, fixed at her in a gaze of…something…she couldn’t quite see what he was thinking. Maybe he wouldn't shoot her in her back. Or maybe he would. She rolled her eyes in sarcasm "Oh thank you very much...or rather...my thanks goes to Jen"

"Yes. You can thank her, Elicia. You can thank her very much, even." His voice was again filled with this sadness, this despair of having to keep a promise he didn't want to keep. He loathed her, but couldn't touch her due to his sense of honour and his word to Jen. Yes, she should thank her.

With a tilt of her head she said "Safe travels...both of you," got up as he nodded to her and steadily walked away, not looking back, not hesitating and not rushing. She was calm.

Goodbye, Heiji…I wonder if we'll ever meet again, you and I. I wonder what circumstances would bring us together. I thank you and wish you well, even though I hate you.

[Demenzia]

Another blade has cut my soul
Enter doubt to take control
Where do I turn to, have I met my fate?
In your eyes I am but one
Another you look down upon
Is there no way that I can still restore my faith?

- Aragon, At the Mercy of Lions -


A few weeks later...

Sitting on the old, rusty shell of what had once been a patrol vehicle, Arisugawa Heiji was thinking... absent-looking, eyes half-closed, not even noticing the sky above him turning to shades of purple, then slowly to the deep blue of night, Jen's face offering no more than a thoughtful look to any external watcher, as she was staying there, unmoving, chin on her knees, arms wrapped around her legs. But the feelings inside...

It was all rushing in him once again, the hatred so strong at moments it caused his control to wave, like a tiny, fragile flame under the strong wind. To wave, and to strengthen again, and to wave, and to strengthen, in a twisted balance made of despair and raw willpower. Yet it was getting at him. Slowly, inexorably. How he hated them all - all, yes, all of them, without any distinction, without any measure, whoever had ever had crossed Jen's path, whoever had only looked at her askance, whoever had harmed her, threatened her, despised her - all of them. And it was getting at him - the hate he needed, and that was however consuming him. The hate that made him strong, and was yet eating him away, sickening, causing him to suddenly look around him, around Jen, at their world, at the people - and realize, for a few moments, before it engulfed him again, that he simply couldn't go on like this.

"Help me... Jen, please... help me..."

It was only but a vain plead, his voice, her voice, no more than a faint whisper. She couldn't help him. She couldn't do anything for him, already too weak to bear his distress on top of hers. As much as he hated having to admit it, since Malcom's disappearance, Jen was simply becoming more and more of an empty shell. Going on smiling, working, pretending she was allright, throwing herself body and soul into helping her friends, but collapsing in tears as soon as she passed the door of her appartment, in the terrible loneliness of her heart... collapsing more and more regularly... disgusted with life itself, with the way things were going. She loved her Soldier, truly. She needed him. Heiji couldn't do otherwise than be terribly aware of this fact, of her feelings, of her needs; and being so powerless was making his hate grow even stronger, while he was trying to sustain her the best he could, not allowing his own feelings to grow up on her anymore.

It was hard. Hard, hard, terribly hard... Remembering what all these people had done to her, what some of them were still doing... the way they used to consider her, toying with her... She didn't deserve to be treated this way! She was his, she was the woman he loved, beautiful, wonderful... and certainly too kind for the job she was doing. They had no right to consider her this way, no right!... And himself... he was... he was going to... It was all her fault!!!

Heiji slightly winced at the sudden, sharp stab of hate again, deep in his guts, burning, hitting him like a nauseating wave. No... there was no way things could go on like this, and however, had he still any other choice? He had to go on - for her. And if anger and hate were the only ways for him to gain enough strength, then he would have to follow this path, forever, maybe. It was all her fault, though he knew she hadn't wanted things to end like this. This damn woman. She, they, had destroyed her, yes, destroyed his beloved Jenae. Never, ever the same anymore. Never. If he had been sure that killing her would ease Jen's pain... but it would be useless. It would only hurt her more. He had himself bound his own hands with this promise, and damn... it was harder and harder to keep thinking clearly, to stop his hands from moving by themselves to reach for his gun or for a blade, and execute the Grid algorithm that would allow him to run on the tracks of this Clanner. But of course, he couldn't. He had promised Jen, as much as it made him sick, and he would now keep his word. Or at least... he hoped he could.

Maybe it would destroy him, in the end. The way things were going, however, he was wondering if it still really mattered. Heiji knew - knew that he could never really forgive, lest of all forget. That it was hurting him, and that he however liked it this way too. Hate. Anger. Anger. Hate. And love for Jen, when she was awake, but more and more often, these last weeks, it was hate, above all other feelings. Hate for this woman, yes.... hate for Cratty himself, for being away and causing Jen to sink even more in her despair, for having left without a word, though he knew in his heart of hearts that it was very unlikely the Soldier had left on purpose... hate for himself, for being unable to forgive... for still being so human, in spite of all his feelings and actions, perhaps too human to his liking, in a way, after having met these men... this man... beast... bakemono!... He was terrified, at his own hate, at what the arrival of these two odd Nanomages had caused in Jen's life and in his own... at the cinders left in their trail... at her crumbling life...

And he was realizing, too, that maybe 'o nee-chan' wasn't the person he hated the most... not now, not anymore... or maybe was she only part, now, of his hate. Another drop of what was turning into a vast ocean. A long, strong shiver seized him, as he was trying, desperately, to repress the feeling, eyes closed tight, grabbing his head with both hands. Sustaining him... but this was just becoming too strong, even for him!... He was barely aware of a voice, behind him... a few words... "Miss... allright?..." Why - why were they talking to him!... - couldn't the world simply stay quiet for a few minutes, and not try to reach at him... the world... the people... why couldn't they leave him alone?!...

This woman... for a moment, for a short moment, it had seemed to him that he could almost touch her... touch her soul, unveil something, he didn't know what... something that was looking so much like him, in a way, a deeply buried pain, a desire to go on living and leave the past behind... a vain desire, also, he could understand this... the past would never disappear. He would never be able to forget. And thus... why did he have to bear all their voices, on top of his own? Why?... Why couldn't this voice near him not shut up, when he was telling her to?!... One day, the hate would just become too much, and the mask would drop and shatter, as he would simply be unable to wear it any longer. And on this day... on this day...

...And there he was now standing, the gun in hand, breathing hard - too strong! - looking with eyes wide open in terror at the body lying at his feet - too strong! - his trembling finger still on the trigger, not even having realized what he was doing, killing again, as he had done so often, back in that time, a simple reflex, buried deep in himself, the part of himself that didn't know where nor how to stop...

TOO STRONG!....

This couldn't go on. Not like this.

"...Tasukete... Jen... help me...." he whispered again with her voice, closing his eyes on the starry sky, on the two moons, on the small deserted village, on the woman's corpse in the dirt, on all that was surrounding him... on life itself, except that his life wasn't his own anymore. Running away, and yet still terribly aware of what was wrong. He couldn't. He couldn't hate and stay human. He couldn't let the devouring feelings destroy Jen as well, and if her own despair didn't do it, in the end, his would surely have the same effect. He had to keep the mask on - even to her eyes - for as long as he could manage to.

This couldn't go on.

"Someone... Help me..."