Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
Were empties and butts left 'round by some louse.
The best quart, I'd stashed by the chimney with care
Had been grabbed by some bum who found it down there!

My guests had long snce been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with some gawd awful heads.
My wife, too, was out cold with her chin in her lap
And me? I was dying for one more nightcap.

When out from the lawn there came such a smell
I sprang to my feet to see what in the hell?
Away to the window I tore like a flash-
Tripped over a table , broke a chair with a crash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Made me thing of the gas bill and all we did owe.
Then what to my wandering eye should show up
But 5 bloated reindeer hitched to a beer truck!!

With a little old driver who looked like a hick
I saw in a moment it must be St. Nick!
Like sherman tanks those reindeer they came,
And he hiccuped and belched as he called them by name.

On Guinness, on Smirnof I'm getting real cold
You too,Jim & Jack, and you, Sauza Gold.
Scram up on the roof- get the hell off this wall-
Get going you dummies, we got a long haul!!!

So up on the roof went reindeer & truck,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck.
And then in a twinkling I heard from above
A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove!

As I pulled in my head & cocked a sharp ear
Down the chimney he came- landed smack on his rear!
He was dressed in furs with cuffs on his pants
And the way the dude squirmed I guess he had ants.

His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky
And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy.
He had pints & quarts in the sack on his back
Plus some breath that would blow a train off the track!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings the fubar'd old jerk.
Then putting 5 fingers to the end of his nose
He gave me the bird and up the chimney he rose.

He sprang for his truck but slid on his face-
Finally he managed to flop into place.
And I heard him belch back as he passed out of sight,
Merry Xmas you mofos, now really get tight!!!!!!