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Thread: Journal of a dead man

  1. #1

    Journal of a dead man

    I was born 29419 in the Omni-Med laboratories in Omni-HQ, I was a test subject for an Omni-Med scientist named Dr.Ulrath Von Kreiger. Dr.Ulrath was a part of the Omni-Med nanomage team and was one of the most qualified scientists at Omni-Med. After a few unsuccsessfull breeding operations i was finally made, I was named after the Omni-Med shuttle that was stationed outside "Dartelosolus". I was to become a computer operator in the Omni-Med research office by the Omni-Med board of Directors orders, Dr.Ulrath disagreed with the board members and filed a complaint at Omni-Admin saying i had too much strenght to operate computers. So i was sent to work in Omni-Pol, I was the third Omni-Pol nanomage officer ever. After a few years at Omni-Pol i was promoted to lieutenant and got a nice house in Galway County. I served my Lieutenant position for 4 years. But on my fourth year i was confronted with something awfull, i was sitting in my office late at night when all the sudden the electricity went off in the whole Omni-Pol building. I reached for my gun and stood up all the sudden the electricity came back on and a man wearing a black cloak stood in front of me, He said you should never have joined Omni-pol my son, Only complete fools join Omni-Pol. I pointed my gun at the man and told him to put his hands above his head, he only stood there and all the sudden he reached into his pocket and drew out some sort of hologram device, he turned on the device and it showed my old creator Dr.Ulrath beeing slapped around. I shouted at the man "Who are you?" You shall be contacted again and by those words the electricity went back off and when it came back on the man was gone. After this incident i left Omni-Pol and became the Director of The Omni-Tek Entertainment Services or OTES and ran Rompa bar. I was sitting behind my desk when i heard a light voice say "Excuse me, you have any available positions?", I looked up and my mouth fell apart, In front of me was standing an angel sent from above, I replied with "i...i ... i... uhm..." I shaked my head and said " Uhh yes i have a few positions available i guess" i couldn't take my eyes off her she was the most beautifull creature i had ever seen. "What is your name ma'am" I asked, "Cristalle sir" she replied, "Allright cristalle you will begin your duty tomorrow" i said. The next day i was standing in front of the bar drinking my coffee when i saw her walk in, I handed her a waitress suit and without further questions she walked straight up to a customer and started serving, All the other waiters i hired always had millions of questions for me but this one just went straight to work. One day i was drinking my coffee at the bar when a man walked inside the restaurant, walked straight up to me and said... Remember me?, When those words hit me and his face was revealed i got flashbacks running through my head showing Dr.Ulrath beeing tortured. The man turned on his hologramn device again and now Dr.Ulrath was standing in chains telling me he has been kidnapped by an anonymous orginization. "I have been in their captivity for 2 years now, you have to get me out of here" Dr.Ulrath said. I asked the man what he wants for the return of Dr.Ulrath. "We just need a few things straightened out for us" he said. He told me to follow him and i did, i followed him all the way to the Omni-ENT Harbour. When we arrived there a group of men dressed in Black cloaks stood there and looked at us. One of them handed me a photo of man. "We want him eliminated" He said, I asked them who he was and they said he was a member of the Omni-Pol board of Directors. My heart started pounding 3 times the usual speed, I had never done a hit before. They told me exactly where to kill them and how, I was told he always goes for a swim in the Rome Lake, i was supposed to strangle him with a fiber wire they gave me, "But what about his insurance" i asked, "We took care of that" They replied. I then moved to Rome Lake, i stood there for a long 6 minutes until he showed up, as soon as he jumped in the pool i went after him and strangled him. I then went back to the Harbour and met with the dark men. I did around 8 assignments for them until they released Dr.Ulrath, they told me i could go now and get on with my life, but i had gotten addicted to these shady assignments and i wanted to become a full member of their order. They declared me member and gave me a new assignment, bigger then i had ever gotten. I was supposed to create a terrorist orginization and disrupt the Omni-Tek defences so they could move in and eliminate Philip Ross. I created The Dark Templars and gained a large group of supporters behind me, Then i met a man named Methlon Peak, He had the same objective as i did, but he just wanted destruction of Omni-Pol. We worked closely together and attacked Omni-Pol several times.The Dark Templars slowly turned their name to The Underworld Coalition and became a member of the OP most wanted list. I was then walking around Borealis when i noticed a man named Chab Matica, there was something about this man that i found very interesting. He looked at me and approached me, He said to me "Spying are we, eh?", "no just having a walk around Borealis" i replied. He then offered me a drink at Reet Retreat, i just couldn't say no , it was something about him that told me to go with him. When we arrived at Reet Retreat he asked me about The Underworld Coaliton, I told him that its a mercenary guild. He thought the name was interesting and i tried as hard as i could to get out of that conversation as i was not supposed to tell anyone about my assignmen not even methlon. I excused myself away with a fake commlink call, then ran as fast as i could to my apartment. I started thinking really hard of what i had gotten myself into and then got these flashbacks of Cristalle, I stood up and started walking towards the entrance when a group of people broke through the door, grabbed me and knocked me out. I woke up in a cold prison cell, i ws so consufes i had no idea where i was or why i was here, i sat down on a bench in the cell when i heard someone shout "He's up". I stood up and a group of people wearing weird looking armor walked up to me. Then a man dressed in an Omni-Tek commanders cloak walked up to me and started questioning me about my employers and methlon. I told them nothing and got a few slaps and cuts, The man was so certain he would get the information out of me and pulled out a whip and whipped me a few times, i didn't open my mouth, i was trained to keep shut in the Omni-Pol academy. Then when i was sitting on my small bench i heard some shooting out in the hall way, Then i saw a man running towards me, i stood up and asked the man what was going on , "We are here to get you out" he said, then grabbed my arm and pulled me with him down the hallway. When we got out of this base we found ourselfs in the Perpetual Wastelands. I looked around and when i was gonna ask the man who he was, he was gone. I started walking away from the cave and found myself in newland city. I travelled to Omni-1 and founf out that i had been declared "Dead" by Omni-Pol. I went to Omni-HQ and told them i was alive, i was sent to Omni-Med for a few researches and then to Omni-Reform for some education. When i got out of Omni-Reform i felt like a new man, i didn't have a single hate or longing for a terrorist assignment, in fact i opposed terrorism with all my heart. I met up with a few friends of mine and we decided we would dedicate our lifes in bringing down terrorism, So we formed The Rubi Ka Anti-Terrorist Federation or RATFE as we were called.
    Peter Giscombe - Director of the Omni-Tek Corporate Security Coalition.

  2. #2

    (OOC)

    This is a book my char (Dartelosolus) Was releasing its his life story, i am not the best writer in the world but it explains some things for certain people at least.
    Peter Giscombe - Director of the Omni-Tek Corporate Security Coalition.

  3. #3

    Smile

    Please post your comments or questions and tell me what you think
    Peter Giscombe - Director of the Omni-Tek Corporate Security Coalition.

  4. #4
    I hope you do not mind a bit of editing to ease the reading. I did not change anything. Just broke the text up so it was easier to follow. you can copy and past this to your orginial posting and I will delete my posting.

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    I was born 29419 in the Omni-Med laboratories in Omni-HQ, I was a test subject for an Omni-Med scientist named Dr.Ulrath Von Kreiger. Dr.Ulrath was a part of the Omni-Med nanomage team and was one of the most qualified scientists at Omni-Med. After a few unsuccsessfull breeding operations i was finally made, I was named after the Omni-Med shuttle that was stationed outside "Dartelosolus". I was to become a computer operator in the Omni-Med research office by the Omni-Med board of Directors orders, Dr.Ulrath disagreed with the board members and filed a complaint at Omni-Admin saying i had too much strenght to operate computers. So i was sent to work in Omni-Pol.

    I was the third Omni-Pol nanomage officer ever. After a few years at Omni-Pol i was promoted to lieutenant and got a nice house in Galway County. I served my Lieutenant position for 4 years. But on my fourth year i was confronted with something awfull, i was sitting in my office late at night when all the sudden the electricity went off in the whole Omni-Pol building. I reached for my gun and stood up all the sudden the electricity came back on and a man wearing a black cloak stood in front of me, He said you should never have joined Omni-pol my son, Only complete fools join Omni-Pol. I pointed my gun at the man and told him to put his hands above his head, he only stood there and all the sudden he reached into his pocket and drew out some sort of hologram device, he turned on the device and it showed my old creator Dr.Ulrath beeing slapped around.
    I shouted at the man "Who are you?" “You shall be contacted again” and by those words the electricity went back off and when it came back on the man was gone.

    After this incident i left Omni-Pol and became the Director of The Omni-Tek Entertainment Services or OTES and ran Rompa bar. I was sitting behind my desk when i heard a light voice say "Excuse me, you have any available positions?", I looked up and my mouth fell apart, In front of me was standing an angel sent from above, I replied with "i...i ... i... uhm..." I shook my head and said " Uhh yes i have a few positions available i guess" i couldn't take my eyes off her she was the most beautifull creature i had ever seen. "What is your name ma'am" I asked, "Cristalle sir" she replied, "Allright cristalle you will begin your duty tomorrow" i said. The next day i was standing in front of the bar drinking my coffee when i saw her walk in, I handed her a waitress suit and without further questions she walked straight up to a customer and started serving, All the other waiters i hired always had millions of questions for me but this one just went straight to work.

    One day i was drinking my coffee at the bar when a man walked inside the restaurant, walked straight up to me and said... Remember me?, When those words hit me and his face was revealed i got flashbacks running through my head showing Dr.Ulrath beeing tortured. The man turned on his hologramn device again and now Dr.Ulrath was standing in chains telling me he has been kidnapped by an anonymous orginization. "I have been in their captivity for 2 years now, you have to get me out of here" Dr.Ulrath said. I asked the man what he wants for the return of Dr.Ulrath. "We just need a few things straightened out for us" he said. He told me to follow him and i did.

    i followed him all the way to the Omni-ENT Harbor. When we arrived there a group of men dressed in black cloaks stood there and looked at us. One of them handed me a photo of man. "We want him eliminated" He said, I asked them who he was and they said he was a member of the Omni-Pol board of Directors. My heart started pounding 3 times the usual speed; I had never done a hit before. They told me exactly where to kill them and how, I was told he always goes for a swim in the Rome Lake, i was supposed to strangle him with a fiber wire they gave me, "But what about his insurance" i asked, "We took care of that" They replied.

    I then moved to Rome Lake, i stood there for a long 6 minutes until he showed up, as soon as he jumped in the pool i went after him and strangled him. I then went back to the Harbour and met with the dark men. I did around 8 assignments for them until they released Dr.Ulrath, they told me i could go now and get on with my life, but i had gotten addicted to these shady assignments and i wanted to become a full member of their order. They declared me member and gave me a new assignment, bigger then i had ever gotten. I was supposed to create a terrorist orginization and disrupt the Omni-Tek defences so they could move in and eliminate Philip Ross. I created The Dark Templars and gained a large group of supporters behind me.

    Then i met a man named Methlon Peak, He had the same objective as i did, but he just wanted destruction of Omni-Pol. We worked closely together and attacked Omni-Pol several times.The Dark Templars slowly turned their name to The Underworld Coalition and became a member of the OP most wanted list. I was then walking around Borealis when i noticed a man named Chab Matica, there was something about this man that i found very interesting. He looked at me and approached me, He said to me "Spying are we, eh?", "no just having a walk around Borealis" i replied. He then offered me a drink at Reet Retreat, i just couldn't say no , it was something about him that told me to go with him. When we arrived at Reet Retreat he asked me about The Underworld Coaliton, I told him that its a mercenary guild. He thought the name was interesting and i tried as hard as i could to get out of that conversation as i was not supposed to tell anyone about my assignments not even methlon.

    I excused myself away with a fake commlink call, then ran as fast as i could to my apartment. I started thinking really hard of what i had gotten myself into and then got these flashbacks of Cristalle, I stood up and started walking towards the entrance when a group of people broke through the door, grabbed me and knocked me out. I woke up in a cold prison cell, i was so confused i had no idea where i was or why i was here, i sat down on a bench in the cell when i heard someone shout "He's up". I stood up and a group of people wearing weird looking armor walked up to me. Then a man dressed in an Omni-Tek commanders cloak walked up to me and started questioning me about my employers and methlon. I told them nothing and got a few slaps and cuts.

    The man was so certain he would get the information out of me and pulled out a whip and whipped me a few times, i didn't open my mouth, i was trained to keep shut in the Omni-Pol academy. Then when i was sitting on my small bench i heard some shooting out in the hall way, Then i saw a man running towards me, i stood up and asked the man what was going on , "We are here to get you out" he said, then grabbed my arm and pulled me with him down the hallway. When we got out of this base we found ourselfs in the Perpetual Wastelands. I looked around and when i was gonna ask the man who he was, he was gone. I started walking away from the cave and found myself in newland city.

    I travelled to Omni-1 and found out that i had been declared "Dead" by Omni-Pol. I went to Omni-HQ and told them i was alive, i was sent to Omni-Med for a few researches and then to Omni-Reform for some education. When i got out of Omni-Reform i felt like a new man, i didn't have a single hate or longing for a terrorist assignment, in fact i opposed terrorism with all my heart. I met up with a few friends of mine and we decided we would dedicate our lifes in bringing down terrorism, So we formed The Rubi Ka Anti-Terrorist Federation or RATFE as we were called.

  5. #5
    YOU EDIT MY STORY?!?!?!... J/K... Great job thanks i appreciate it.
    Peter Giscombe - Director of the Omni-Tek Corporate Security Coalition.

  6. #6
    Oh and hey peeps... could you please post some comments here i really wanna know how much i suck at writing.
    Peter Giscombe - Director of the Omni-Tek Corporate Security Coalition.

  7. #7
    Ok, honest opinion aside from the edditing 8)

    I think you could probably of broken this first part down in to two complete entries. You need to get a bit more detailed as far as setting, your charachter's thoughts on the situation(s) at hand as well as a bit more discriptions on who you are interacting with.

    I think your discription and reaction to your lady server was excellent yet you kinda left it quick and to the point instead of giving us a bit more detail, she walked up to you, was in in a sexual way? a giddy kidish way? or very sultry and seductive yet not slutty way?

    More detail, I think this was a great "brain storming" part (kinda what I do when I am starting to write about something) now just break down all the bits and pieces and fill in the blanks.

    Just my 2credits.. since you asked

  8. #8
    somewhat interesting. but relly kinda choppy, kinda got that feeling you get when a kid is telling you a story and he just goes from one point to another with no over encompasing plot or direction. the story either needs to be condensed or expanded with more details giving an overall senice of urgancy and reveilng more of your personall feelings through dialouge and action.

    for example this paragraph,...

    The man was so certain he would get the information out of me and pulled out a whip and whipped me a few times, i didn't open my mouth, i was trained to keep shut in the Omni-Pol academy. Then when i was sitting on my small bench i heard some shooting out in the hall way, Then i saw a man running towards me, i stood up and asked the man what was going on , "We are here to get you out" he said, then grabbed my arm and pulled me with him down the hallway. When we got out of this base we found ourselfs in the Perpetual Wastelands. I looked around and when i was gonna ask the man who he was, he was gone. I started walking away from the cave and found myself in newland city.

    could have been done like.....

    KRAAaaaAA- POW!
    with the mercy of a dominatrix, this commander brought his charged whip down apon jhons back
    KRAAaaaAA- POW!
    KRAAaaaAA- POW!,
    KRAAaaaAA- POW!
    hours passed,
    but training in the halls of omni-pol academy elite had prepared him for the worst. at best the pain would kill him and he would rezz safe in his home town. at worst,.....
    "ok jhon,.. i have to admit. you taken quite the beating...."
    the OT commander pulls out a small metalic box and removes what looks to be a cigrette. hands blood soaked, a smile curls across his face as he brings the cigrette to his lips and lights it.
    but you see, there are many things that we can employ to get someone to talk. the easy way would be to remove your brain and hack your ncu, but for some odd reason my bosses have given me strict instructions to not kill you. heaven knows why, if i had my way i would scan you in one of our more, 'luxurious' facilitys and kill you over and over to my hearts content. but like i said,..... we have other ways......"
    walking over to a small black box in the corner of the room the commander draws a lond drag from his cigerette then stomps it out. picks up the hand sized contraption and walks camly back over to Dartelosolus. the anger and malevolance that the man once cearly displayed melted away to something more sinister and confident. this was far more frightining than any tourture that had been brought on before. the electro whip, the golfie prod and the nanotac symbio grafts with that mind numbing fire inducing program had been expected. these had been the normal types of turture with an overt means. and as Dartelosolus had overcome one with another after what seemed like days of pain, now a simple black box? what could be so simple yet far exceding in power and pain that it could be kept in so benign a container?
    reaching inside the sound of faint but hurried scratching, like that of a traped leet could be easily decerned, but with a metalic tapping that would signify a more synthetic orgin than anything from the organic wild.
    "are you familar with digletts mr. patterson ?"
    in somewhat of a mockingly sadistic tone the commander reaches inside and draws out a very small mucus covered and elongated diglett sm-281
    "digletts are some of omni's best spy units, you as a spy should be somewhat familar with them, so i wont bor you with the more common subtrainian unit, but i will tell you that this one does wonders with the nervous system of nanomages like yourself. while harmless to a solitus like me, this goo that you see covering this particular one is actully a concentrated and specilized mix of nanobots that will affix themselves to the base of your brainstem, thus allowing it to mimic enhance and reproduce any amount or type of pain that i can come up with." looking at his little toy the commander sighs happliy, "and even i few that i cant think of"
    "and oh yes, by the way, it also has the ability to hack your mind and give me the info i need while keeping you alive. well, most of the time it dosent kill at least. i would have used it sooner, but with budget cuts and all, i need to use them sparingly. but oh, look at the time, im babbling on and on. im sure you would just like to get on with the..."
    at that instant the sound of gunshots and grenades rippes through the hallways. along with the gargles and screams of security guards dropping to the floor.
    sensing danger the commander reaches for his own sidearm
    ........
    etc.
    etc.
    etc.
    could you explain a little bit more and give more insight on how you went from one job to another, computers, omni-pol and omni-ent,... those are big jumps.
    heres an idea....
    show an inner conflict with the 'hit' like make the guy a close friend and assoiciate, make your charactor chose between a perma-kill on a high ranking friend, and possably saving the life of the only father figure he/you had. and show emotion. its boring to have a clean and simple kill, but its a hole new world when the guys sees you commming , but not knowing that you mean his death , wave, say hi, start a conversation about his new yalm, the wife and kids. then turn around to be choked from the back by a long time friend who felt that there was no other way.
    throw a few twists in there, like say that chab was the one who had been harrasing you the whole time. or something. just suggestions.

    all in all its your story, and somewhat interesting, i just would like to see more details and have it expanded out a bit as i found it lacking in the details that make a story vivid and 'real'.
    but seeing as long as the orginal story was, if it was anylonger i might have skipped it totaly

  9. #9
    Man i cant believe i did it so simple and short... I hate reading those kinds and still i write them?.. bahh.... i am gonna rewrite the stroy and divide it into Chapters

    Thank you all very very very very much...
    Peter Giscombe - Director of the Omni-Tek Corporate Security Coalition.

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