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Thread: The Daily Suns: Rubi-Ka's Only Reliable News

  1. #1

    The Daily Suns: Rubi-Ka's Only Reliable News

    Terrifying Leet Evolutionary Process Dooms Humanity!

    In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, an intrepid citizen reported Tuesday that leets, or family Leetasurmominae, have evolved gills on their neck/shoulder/head area.

    “I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, ‘We’re screwed,’” said adorably named local hobo “Hobocles”, noting that the leet has a lung capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. “That’s it for us monkeys. We sat at the top of the mammal tree for a long time, but it’s all over now.”

    Hobocles strongly urged humans, especially those living near the water, to learn to communicate using a system of obscenities and childish humor. He also encouraged humans to “start practicing their rolling around in joyous circles as soon as possible.”

    Stay tuned to the Daily Suns at for all your Rubi-Ka news!

    - Staff Reporter

  2. #2
    Mad Science Shocker! Man Impregnates Atrox!

    A team of Applied Genetics and Genomics grad students from Mort Community College has revealed that they are providing medical services to a pregnant Atrox – and one of the students is being identified as the father!

    “We never thought it was possible for a male Solitus to impregnate an Atrox,” says Dr. Jane “Drinksalot” Robutl, head of the lab where the Atrox is currently receiving treatment. “But it looks like this is a thing. This is really going to happen.”

    Mort grad students say that the inspiration for the experiment came from a debauched night of drinking at Beer ‘n Booze in Hope. “There was this really attractive girl there, and she said she was only interested in men who dared to play god with nature,” says Zivas Seinako, the instigator of the crazed experiment. “I did it, Sally, call me!”

    Discovery of the unlikely pregnancy occurred when 2 heartbeats were identified during the Atrox’s semi-annual medical clearance inspection. The fetus was identified as being 8 months old and in healthy condition, according to Dr. Robutl.

    “When the time comes, we plan to make a delivery using cesarean section, provided there are no health risks. We really don’t know any other way to get this thing out of there and let this blow over,” she said, before reaching for a bottle of Hit-the-Floor Jack and shooing our staff reporter out of her office.

    Stay tuned to the Daily Suns at for all your Rubi-Ka news!

    - Staff Reporter

  3. #3
    Time Travel Is Real! Fixer Reveals History of Old Earth!

    An Omni-Tek employee claims that he has mastered the art of traveling back in time, and plans to use his powers to return to the 20th century and take credit for writing obscure historical documentary “Lethal Weapon!”

    Mr. Swift “Speed” Racer, a fixer working in Rome Green and self-described “loose cannon”, says that he uses his off-duty hours to race across the open fields of Galway Shire, where he achieves speeds that allow him to travel backwards through the time continuum.

    And while many scientists say that time travel is an impossible dream, Swift says he’s already done it once before! “Two weeks ago, I finally reached the 141.623 kilometers per hour necessary to achieve time travel,” he said as he warmed up in the fields with a light jog. “Of course, it was my first time, so I didn’t have good control over where I ended up.”

    He went on to claim that he arrived in the middle of a concert on Old Earth! As corroborating evidence, he showed us a hat and T-shirt, which he says ancient humans referred to as “merch.”

    Swift refused to discuss the training regimen required to achieve time travel speeds with our staff reporter, but he did offer to bring back an archaic technical device known as a “CD Player,” as well as a “CD” of speeches by previously unknown 21st-century dictator “Justin Bieber.”

    Keep reading the Daily Suns at for all your Rubi-Ka news!

    - Staff Reporter

  4. #4
    10 Ways to Tell if Your Neighbor is the Stret River Monster!

    Many top scientists believe that the Stret River monster may be so difficult to find because it is secretly living among us, pretending to be a human. The sneaky alien reptile may often pose as a friend, neighbor, or co-worker while it learns the ways of Rubi-Ka. But how can you tell an enormous river monster from real humans?

    The Daily Suns has interviewed dozens of experts and conducted exhaustive research to bring you this list of the top ten ways to recognize river monsters in our midst.

    1. River monsters often wear huge sunglasses to hide their eyes. Most aquatic animals have large, staring eyes that are hard to conceal. Sunglasses help them appear more normal.

    2. River monsters have cold and clammy skin. They may wear synthetic skin in order to pass themselves off as human. It’s never as warm as real skin, and it often feels “slimy” to the touch.

    3. They smell. River monsters use all manner of deodorants, perfumes, or lotions to disguise their natural scent, which is offensive to humans.

    4. River monsters are obsessed with technology. They spend hours chatting on gridforums or using the whompas. But they’re not conversing with people — they are actually transmitting data they’ve accumulated back to their underwater society.

    5. River monsters have strange bodily proportions. They attempt to imitate human appearance — but they never quite get it right. They are like exaggerated ideas of human perfection. Their stomachs are too flat, their chests too big, their faces wrinkle-free.

    6. River monsters have strange diets. They may not be able to digest most human foods. Because of this, they are limited in the types of foods they can eat, and they may become vegetarians. Watch out for people who eat a lot of lettuce — that vegetable reminds monsters of their favorite weedy river bottoms.

    7. River monsters dance in inhuman ways. Monsters have a completely different physiology than ours. They have the ability to move their bodies to music in a way no ordinary human can, and this results in a dancing style that is quite breathtaking, and at the same time, terrifying.

    8. River monsters do not understand human'sense of humor. Monsters find it difficult to understand laughter — even a simple joke can throw them completely off. They might laugh at inappropriate times — like during a funeral — or stare blankly at the funniest jokes.

    9. River monsters dress in oddly revealing clothes. They find clothing irritates their moist and clammy flesh, so the less of it they wear, the more comfortable they are. They also like to keep their fake human skin exposed to air, to allow it to breathe.

    10. River monsters ask hundreds of questions. They are infiltrating human society for research purposes, and they want to learn as much as possible about Rubi-Ka’s residents. They’re like anthropologists, fascinated by human behavior and eager to study our culture. So keep your eyes open for any people asking a lot of nosy questions. Except our reporters. Who are 100% not monsters.

    Keep reading the Daily Suns at for all your Rubi-Ka news!

    - Staff Reporter

  5. #5
    Special Cyborg Edition!

    Toog is a Cyborg?

    Newland, Rubi-Ka – A former doctor of Newland mayor, Zephrem “Toog” King, claims the reason King has continually refused to release his medical records is because he is, in fact, a cyborg!

    Dr. Sian Ameides, renowned gastroenterologist at Hope Medical College for Troubled Surgeons, reports that during a routine medical inspection, he discovered what he believed to be polyps on Mayor King’s colon. Upon further inspection, Dr. Amiedes discovered what appeared to be thumbnail sized microchips throughout Mayor King’s digestive and nervous system.

    Calls to the Newland Mayor’s office have not been returned, although recent leaks from medical personnel formerly employed by Omni-Tek suggest prior knowledge of King’s cyborg status. The leaker, however, denies any role in transforming King into a machine.

    This is not the first time that claims of a cyborg program to infiltrate the Newland government with cyborg operatives have emerged. However, until now, hard proof of such a program has been unavailable.

    Under the Tabloid Freedom to Make up What We Want Act, a request has been submitted to the Newland government on behalf of The Daily Suns to require the Mayor’s office to release all medical records for Mayor King.

    Top 10 Ways to Protect Your Home from Cyborgs!

    Worried about cyborgs coming into your house? Here are 10 simple ways to stay safe!

    With the recent rise in cyborg-related kidnappings and homicides, many are beginning to wonder “What do I need to do to protect my family and home from cyborgs?” Well look no further, here are 10 simple ways to help you prepare for a cyborg attack and create a cyborg proof home.

    1. Build your home in a remote area: On a mountain, in the woods, in the desert or in space like the rich people do. Cyborgs concentrate their attacks on areas with large human populations since human flesh is required for their reproductive process, so living in a remote area with few inhabitants with increase your chances of survival.

    2. Tall Fences: Building a tall smooth surfaced fence will prevent cyborgs from entering your property. Poor quality assurance controls during the transformation process render cyborgs incapable of scaling walls.

    3. Pit traps: Dig several large holes in the ground and cover them with big tree branches and leaves. If a cyborg finds a way to breach your perimeter, the pit trap will provide the same defense as the tall fence.

    4. Build all doors out of solid heavy metaplast alloy: Cyborgs have a great deal of strength as well as several integrated high-powered weapons, despite the poor quality manufacturing mentioned above. The strength of a cyborg will easily destroy all but the most protective doors. Windows should also be reinforced in the event of a cyborg invasion.

    5. Well water vs. public water: Have a well on your property, in the event of a localized cyborg outbreak you cannot rely on public water supply. The workers at your local water treatment facility might be cyborgified and everyone knows that cyborgs have absolutely no work ethic.

    6. Generators and fuel: Knowing the work ethics of cyborgs, or lack there of, it is best to have a generator at your residence in order to maintain your preferred quality of life. A hearty supply of fuel will be needed as well to insure continued use of your generator.

    7. Sound diversions: Cyborgs have a technologically enhanced sense of hearing. If your property is large enough, install speakers at the perimeter of your property. If a perimeter breech occurs play loud sounds to lure the cyborgs away from your home and loved ones. Your generator will come in handy here.

    8. Weapons: If you find that you have no other choice but to fight, a high-powered laser rifle or energy sword are good weapons of choice as you will be able to maintain a distance whilst decapitating your semi-robotic assailants.

    9. Own a mobile home: The best way to evade a cyborg attack is to constantly be on the move. A mobile home is a good option as it allows you to flee from an attack without sacrificing the comforts of home.

    10. If you can’t beat them, join them: You might end up perpetrating a terrible transformation on your first born but at least you won’t have to pay for their college tuition.

    Keep reading the Daily Suns at for all your Rubi-Ka news!

    - Staff Reporter
    Last edited by Escoryon; Sep 12th, 2014 at 18:52:18.

  6. #6
    Insane... just, insane.
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  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Escoryon View Post

    Under the Tabloid Freedom to Make up What We Want Act, -------
    That right there says about all you want to know.

    *tries to contain his laughter, and fails*
    Stanimir Borgeski (203/30/48) - General in Clan Stronghold

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