Heiji... Hiki-sakareshi mono...

[Demenzia]

((Don't ask... really.
I'm just letting myself... be engulfed in another writing experiment here. I don't even know where it's going to lead yet. So please, pardon me if it looks... odd.))

[Demenzia]

Lost...
Lost in a mindscape that isn't mine...
Where am I? Who am I? What am I?...
Confusion. Confusion, and deep, complete slience.
I'm all alone.
So...
Death has always been a white light - a bright, white light, before opening my eyes again and realizing I was facing good ol' Reclaim.
So why it is dark like this?
Is this like... like when you can't go back... all the light vanishes, and you're left alone?
Dee.
I wanted to see you again... so badly, Dee.
I'm sorry that I failed.

A single shadow, turning into a blue spark, a faint flame burning in the dark, stirring, slowly growing. Death. Perma-death. It was somewhat different than what they had done to Deannah. In his case... in his case, they had simply erased the scan data, not... disrupted his very lifestream like they had done for her. Not much time to lose with him, in the end. But it was still painful, painful to realize, now the shock was over, that she was gone once again, that he was gone, that there was nobody left to help him now. Life force couldn't last very long without a living pattern to call it back in; deep inside of him, he knew it was already too late.

He remembered a sort of... dream. Deannah hugging him close, a sad smile on her lips. Jenae clutching at his sleeve, tears in her eyes, fear on her face. Fear that if he would go, then she would die as well. Heiji tried to smile, but he had no body left to smile now - nothing, except his own thoughts, his own memories, his own... his own anger.

The Fixer had always thought that there was nothing after death - nothing more, once the cellular scans stopped being useful, once you were sure that the next lethal blow would also be the last. He remembered. He remembered again that he was now dead, and that nothing of all of this would matter anymore now.

Why am I here?
Ain't I supposed to be... dead?
So why the hell... why the hell am I still aware of myself?...

But around him were only darkness - darkness, and silence...

[Demenzia]

It was a sort of dream again. Another, endless dream, in his own darkness. A memory, maybe - yes, the dream of a memory. He had time to think now, time to remember, and to shiver, again and again, at the thought of all he had lost. Only when it was too late did people realize that what they used to have, even if not being much, was way better than nothing at all. Was it so long ago that Deannah had smiled for him only, and whispered to his ear how thankful she was for him to have taught her the true meaning of life?

Yet it had been all a lie. Heiji hadn't taught her anything that she didn't already know, for life itself was in all human beings, even in the artificially created races of Rubi-Ka. Maybe he had just shown her how to... perceive the true strength of life; but with her death, she had stolen it back from him, stolen this part of himself that used to love life... only to give it back to him when it was already too late.

Hatred flared in him for a brief second, then the feeling vanished, and he was left alone again, missing her so terribly that if he hadn't been already dead, he would have screamed. He couldn't hate her, simply not hate her. She meant too much to him.

This was a memory. He was just looking at himself, amazed at how he had changed over the years. The boy that one day had been Arisugawa Heiji gave him his look back, a stern look, that had nothing to do on such a young face. How old has he been when Tou-san had died? Six or seven, maybe? "You know why he died. He died for 'honor'. He died for the 'family'. He died for you and Kaa-san and Miyabi-chan. The old ritual, the one from Old Earth. Honor above all, even if it means taking one's own life."

That's crap!, the dead Fixer s******ed, before realizing that he was laughing at himself once again. He hadn't any other choice. Them feckin' corrupt Crats at Sol BC had trapped him, and it was the only way he could... he could give us time to run away.

"Yes, we ran away", little Heiji replied, raising his head, in a tone way too adult for his young features. "We ran away, here, on Rubi-ka. Kaa-san worked so hard to allow us to live. She sold her soul to Omni-Tek, but she hadn't really any other choice, remember? Remember what she had to do before taking the job. Remember why she finally decided to take it."

What the hell. OT pays well. I don't give a damn who I'm working for, as long as...

"But you're dead now."

Heiji knew that his younger self was right, and he didn't answer. He didn't want to go on with this conversation, because he knew that it would lead to nothing, that he was wrong anyways, and that he'd finally lose. For a moment, it seemed to him that there was something else, someting he should remember - and then, the memory was gone again.

"O nii-san", Miyabi whispered, looking at him, and he turned to face them both. Himself as a child, wearing the traditional hakama and haori his father had been so intent on imposing on him, and now his sister, in the white kimono she had been clad in when they had mourned her death. "O nii-san, o negai shimasu... don't leave, please! Kaa-san will be so sad if you leave!" Her death. Because of him. Because of his odd acquaintances, because of his quirks, because of what he used to do.

And he watched his other self give a scornful smile back, as he had done, so long ago, when he had decided he wouldn't stay home any longer. He had just turned fifteen the month before - too young for a regular job as an official OT employee, but already old enough for the other kind of jobs he wanted to do... already old enough to know that he would certainly die over and over, and run again and again, during what would be his life here. He wouldn't follow in Tou-san steps. He wouldn't play the game of politics. He wouldn't end up on the way of seppuku because of a single, but last mistake. He wouldn't...

Wasn't what he had done ended with the same result, in fact? He was dead now. Tou-san was dead. Miyabi-chan as well. Kaa-san... where was Kaa-san? Dead as well, he seemed to remember. It had been so long he had left, left to never return, and after that he had met Kinlay, who had introduced him to Deannah and Cyrus, who had...

Another circle that was closed.

Heiji tried to wipe off the memories, but he could only fail on this, for memories were all that was left to him now.

All that was left of him.

[MissMaul]

((SWEET.

More pleae...))

[Demenzia]

((As soon as I write the rest dear ))

[MissMaul]

((/me hops around impatiently

But I want it noowwwwwwww! ))

[Demenzia]

Alone in the silence, Heiji was screaming - screaming and pounding imaginary walls with imaginary fists, screaming and wishing that all of this would come to an end. When you couldn't run away, when you didn't know where you were trapped, when you couldn't sleep and had no means of knowing if it was day or night, nor how much time had passed, when you weren't even sure of being truly dead or alive... what could you do to prevent madness from taking you away? How long was this doomed to last? He was beginning to think that this was what he really deserved. He was... beginning to think again. To think too much. Thoughts, again and again, all that was left to ponder. This, and looking at himself, at what he had done, at what he had become in the end, before going back to Cyrus. Looking at the blood on his hands, and at those dark marks on his soul, and at the hatred and shame that were to become his only companions now.

He had erased several insurance scans already, without ever blinking, without looking back. Lost in his own anger and despair, lost to the point of not even realizing what he had been doing, he had committed many crimes, many bad deeds that would have make him stare in horror. That was it - he had erased people's lives, just as these unknown men had erased Deannah's. These last four years... how came that he couldn't even have realized the kind of cold monster he had become? Refusing to see the truth wasn't making him better than them; actually, it had only contributed to enforce the growing, disturbing feeling that he had behaved in an even worse manner. Breaking lives... breaking existences all along his downfall... The fact that he could not have her back, shouldn't have been a reason to break them like he had done. He was so ashamed... and so angry against himself, for not having realized, for having refused to look at the bare, terrible truth.

What have I done?
What have I... become?!...
... I want all of this to end.
Please... don't force me... don't force me to look at myself again...
I can't... I can't stand being here...
I can't stand myself anymore!...

Alone in the silence of his soul, Arisugawa Heiji began to shiver, again and again, suddenly aware of the years that had flowed, the years with Deannah, and the years without her. He didn't know how to live without her anymore. He didn't know, and this had turned him into... something he didn't want to see. Something that was better dead than alive, in any case. Something - he couldn't call himself a being anymore after this - that should never have existed. Turning people into mere streams of data, then erasing them as he would have done of a fumbled nano-program or useless piece of information. He hadn't even liked it; simply killing, again, and again, and again, as if nothing was important, as if it wasn't even worth a second thought, as if it wasn't meaning more to him than breaking a glass or treading on dead leaves.

Doko ni... doko ni ima boku wa desu ka?...
Where am I now?
WHERE AM I??...
... God...
Kami-sama... Kami-sama, hanash'te wo kudasai...
What have I done...

But there was no echo in there, no echo to his silent screams, no one to answer his anguished mutters. Nobody to help him getting rid of the terror and the shame.

Tsurai da... Totemo tsurai...!
Demo... demo... Doush'te?...

Screaming, again and again and again, because it was the only sound he could hear, and it at least gave him the illusion that he was still sort of alive... Screaming, because in doing so he could at least pretend not to be aware of the deafening silence. He couldn't be dead - could he? Because if he was... how did it come that he could still think?

Maybe death was like this for everybody. Maybe death was just... being left alone.

Where am I. Why am I. Why am I here. Here and there. Then and now.
Ima... Ima, soko ni iru boku...
Someone. Someone, tell me, please. Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!!...
... Boku... Boku wa kirai...

Now he was completely alone, Heiji realized he hated loneliness. More than he'd have ever sought. More than he'd have ever thought.

And he hated himself so much. Yes, so much.

[___________Blackglow]

*nods slowly*
Very interesting indeed.

[Demenzia]

Maybe he was finally becoming mad, alone in the dark and deep silence. Maybe he was becoming mad, for he was now hearing sounds. A little girl, sobbing somewhere in the vast void that was his universe now. Heiji couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop... being himself. And any disturbance in this was to be welcomed.

A little girl?...

He thought about Jen - Jen, the only child he had seen during long, long years. Just a lost child, someone who would surely have ended her life as a criminal in the sewers, or working in gloomy places for crappy wages, or maybe worse... or maybe she would have taken her chance, and raised herself in the world thanks to her only talents. He would never know. He had made a hell of her short life, maybe even killed her... he wouldn't know. He didn't want to know. Once again, he was afraid to look up.

"Heiji... Heiji, dun leave me alone!..."

Jen's voice. This time, he was sure it was her voice, but he didn't understand why she was calling him. The dead Fixer turned in the darkness, trying to spot where the voice was coming from. Without eyes to see... without ears to hear... without any voice left to call her back... how could he? Lies, again and again and again. Why wouldn't he finish dying, now he knew it was all over? What could he bring to a girl... to a little girl like her... when he didn't know himself where he was? Silent words were marked deep inside his mind, words of promise, words of sadness, words of despair. Had he told her he would stay for her? Because if he had, maybe that would explain it all - or make things even more confuse.

"Heiji, luv... I already told you you were dead now. Don't you remember?" Deannah's sad voice whispered to him once again. "But you're not alone. Don't give up, Heiji, please. Let us have another chance. You said you would!..."

Heiji simply didn't know how he could give them this 'chance', as she had said. How he could find Jen again in the darkness. How he could find Deannah, Deannah who had disappeared as soon as he had looked at her new self being born. He could scream, but would she hear it? He could look for her, but was she still somewhere to be seen?

"... Jen...?"

Almost amazed at his own voice, his own words suddenly echoing in the darkness, Heiji wondered why he was calling. Then, all of a sudden, he realized he wasn't alone anymore. He was looking at the little girl desperately crying, crouched at his feet with her face in her hands. He was looking at himself, and his sense of awareness had suddenly taken on another meaning, as he lifted his own, trembling hand before his eyes, slightly frowning, not really sure if it was him, and not another illusion.

"Dun leave me alone, Heiji... Dun leave me!... Please... Stay again. Ya promised... ya promised to stay..."

" ...Jen-chan..."

She raised her head to look at him, tears trickling down her pale cheeks, little girl lost among the shadows, seeking the only light she could find - his light, which wasn't much. She raised her head, and in her deep eyes, he saw hope suddenly beginning to shine. He was her hope, her hope of not being alone. She was his hope, his hope of... finally knowing why he was still aware of himself and of the void surrounding them. Silence creeped upon them again; then, the child shyly outstretched her hand to touch him, to touch his fingers, to find him again in their loneliness.

"Heiji... Heiji, stay with me... please..."

It was odd, being called by his name, being sought by a child... being liked again... and thus, Heiji did the only thing he could still do in this moment.

He took her in his arms, and stayed with her.

[Jorji-]

Awesome again Demenzia, Im glad I popped back in this forum, you write beautifully and I fear I may have missed this

Keep it up, cause selfishly I want to read more

[Demenzia]

Memories... Memories floating in him, through him, poured from some unknown place, from some unknown mind, directly into his...

*crackles* "Where ya at...?" *crackles, muffled sounds on the line* "...amn storms... oken Shores... Grid problems... 're ya...?"

Heiji picked up his comm with an annoyed look, and checked at his list of contacts. Cory. That was no doubt Cory, once again stuck in the far town where he so much liked to hang in. The young Fixer had himself never liked Home - all those Priests clad in dark cloaks, wandering the streets and half-scaring people with their penetrating gazes... the Guards staring at everybody, their ugly faces made even more frightening by their ritual tattoos... the eerie atmosphere, the imposing temple, chants echoing at times through the narrow streets, and always, always those storms cracking up above the plains, making every communication a haze... All of this without even mentioning the odd location of the Grid terminal. The one who had designed this place surely had made too much use of sake before drawing the plans.

" 'allo, Cory", the young man sighed, taking on his most annoyed tone. "Ya fell in the waters from the Grid platform again?"

Some more crackling on the line, a few seconds of garbled sounds, then Cory's voice again. It was now carrying a note of relief, but worry was still what got out of it the most.

"...Ah, 'ji... guys from the Clans... more than expected... need yer help to retreive the st..." *crackles* "...can help?"

Oooooh, goddammit! Heiji thought. I really hate when he does this!...

He looked at the sky of Rome above him - blue sky, trees in the Park, a beautiful town, so diferent from Omni-1, and far more crowded than it would be only a few years later...- , then got back on his feet, brushing his coat with a hand, seizing his Mausser with the other. Time to take the Grid again. He wished he was already able to Grid in at will, as he had already seen some older, experienced Fixers do. he had learnt some tricks from them, of course... but they were anyways more 'contacts' than true friends. He was so young - so new to this world. And sometimes, he wasn't even able to realize that it was only three months he had left home and told Kaa-san he'd never come back... when it was already feeling like an eternity...

Yet he was at least able to hack his way through the exit to Home, and help one of the few people he was feeling close to, although Cory had an annoying habit of always calling him when thigns were going wrong, even if slightly. Without paying attention to what was around, the boy let the Grid terminal materialize his body again, then ran on the stone gateway leading to the shore, oblivious of all the people crowding the platform, wishing he could run even faster, faster, to avoid their presence, to avoid...

Heiji bumped into someone, someone who almost sent him rolling on the ground, and found himself face to face with a tall Opifex wielding two twin blades, looking at him sharply.

"Not a good place to be in a hurry like this... boy", the man said, raising a mocking eyebrow, casually balancing one of his swords over his shoulder while studying at the young man. Heiji frowned back, taking a step forward; he was only sixteen, but he wouldn't let anyone look at hime this way! Never would he let someone despise him.

"Ya have a problem with me, 'fex?" he answered, his fingers holding the Mausser more tightly now. The town was dangerous for him, and his usual way of getting out of such situations alive was to run before a guard could spot him, and praying that no creature from the desert would find its way through the streets, like the Sandworm he had once spotted. He didn't need more than a second to quickly check what was the man's official identity - Harlan "Kinlay" Ganzer, his callsign announcing him as an Adventurer performing jobs for the Company. Kinlay. He'd have to remember this name.

But then "Kinlay" grabbed him by the collar - darn it, he had been so quick to sheathe one of his swords that Heiji hadn't even noticed it. "Hold on, boy. Whatcha doin' in here? Dangerous town for kiddos like you. Why ya ain't at your mommy's, eh? Ran away from home?"

"Ain't none of your business, ya feckin'...!" Heiji began to growl, when all of a sudden a woman's laughter echoed in his back. From the corner of his eye, he spotted another person quietly walking toward them, a tall and lean Solitus with piercing green eyes and long red hair flowing over her trenchcoat. For a second, Heiji didn't even feel like throwing an insult at her too; there was something about her... about her way of simply standing... that made him simply shut his mouth.

"Let him go, Kin", she mischievously smiled. "We were all kids. Let him learn his ways, m'friend."

And Kinlay looked at her, then at him, then at her, then at him again... and bursted out laughing. Kid. They were right, in fact. He was only a kid... pretending that he could also perform jobs like theirs... trying to make his way alone in the world, without relying on kaa-san or on anybody else... and he was trying so hard, so hard that their laughters were hurting him badly.

"... Teme... bakayaro!" he spat in a harsh voice, looking at the Adventurer straight in the eyes. "Gonna show ya what a 'kid' can do! Gonna show ya that I ain't a..."

The woman laughed again, yet this time it was sounding slightly different. "Looks like yer gonna be good friends, Kin. Maybe ya should consider... apologizing?" And she went away, still chuckling, the harsh wind of the shores playing in her hair.

"Haaaa!" Kinlay suddenly sighed, after a few seconds of silence. "Cant say 'no' to a gal like her, dontcha think, kid? So. Ya didn't aswer. Whatcha doing in Home? And stop looking at me like that. I ain't gonna kill ya."

Why should I tell a baka like ya? Heiji thought, still angry. Why should I... why...

"... I've come to help a pal..." he found himself answering, almost ashamed of having to admit it, not understanding why he was actually giving an answer. To his own surprise, Kinlay nodded, and his dark eyes suddenly took on another look - a look that was now closer to acknoweldgment.

"Helping a friend. Now that's a good thing", the Opifex muttered. "Hey, I have some time on my hands at the moment. Maybe I can give ya a hand..."

Why it had happened... none of them knew. Why he had talked and Kinlay answered... none of them understood. But these people were different from all the others he had met until now; Heiji was still young, but having been brought in his childhood with a strict education from Old Earth's Japanese customs had given him a keen and sharp sense of understatement and hidden meanings... and he knew that something had happened in this moment, that something was still to happen, and that becoming friend with this man could be a good thing.

It would make a mess of his life, in the end. But for the moment...

[Demenzia]

In the mental seeming he still had of himself, the Fixer opened his eyes, feeling as if he had fallen asleep without even remembering it. Yes, the feeling was quite close... but there was something more to it. Something disturbing, something dangerous - could he still sleep if he was already dead, or was it the first sign of... something else?

Time was slowly passing, so slowly... as if nothing more could happen now...

He looked at the little girl once more, and again, and again, an endless loop of contradictory feelings and momentaneous thoughts. He wouldn't have been able to say how he knew it, but the fact was here - he knew that what he was looking at what was only a manifestation of the mind. That none of them were really present here, that even Jen's image before him wasn't 'real'. A reminiscence of the mind - the memory she had of him, and of herself.

However, she seemed so present and so fading at the same time...

They were sitting in the dark immensity, Jen lying half-asleep between his arms, so small and frail in her blood-stained clothes that he feared he would destroy her by merely touching her. She looked like she was dying as well, unable to move, unable even to cry as she had been doing in the beginning. Heiji knew that it was his fault, and that there was... something he should have done to prevent this from happening. Deannah was the one to have the key, but she was gone as well now. Either gone, or not fully awakened yet, and in both cases, it was leaving them alone, Jen and himself, alone and unaware of what they were supposed to do.

"Heiji... I'm cold, Heiji..."

"Shhh. I'm here, Jen-chan. I'm here now", he whispered, gently stroking her long dark hair. It was cold in there, and this made him feel again like staying silent and slowly let sleep carry him away. Odd, how he was now aware of this kind of things... the frost at the edge of his field of vision, the disturbing certainty that the more the time would flow, the colder this mental place would become, and that there would be a moment when all would be frozen to death, without any hope left. He was so tired. So tired of this half-life, so tired that he would have liked to let the endless dreams take him forever, and drown his conscience in their pool of darkness, until nothing was left at all. Wouldn't it be the logical ongoing of the dying process? It had already started... so why couldn't it end now?

"... So cold..." Jen whispered again, even unable to open her eyes. The Fixer hugged her closer, not knowing what else he could do. This was only but another death sentence they were existing under; if she was to die, he would die with her, and this time there would be no coming-back. What had Deannah done? Had it been on purpose... or just an accident... something that shouldn't have happened?... Another memory stroke him with this thought - something about a network, about having been linked when they shouldn't have, about a machine, about Cyrus trying to warn him... about the sudden, dreadful pain in his chest, the harsh look on the Agent's face, the feeling of falling to the ground, of darkness covering his eyes, of all sound becoming more and more muffled, until all was silent. A slight frown - the memory was already disappearing, as he desperately try to grab it, realizing that it was one of the keys. A network. A link. Sharing, for a second, the same thoughts, the same conscience. An unwanted trap. Something Jen/Deannah had donde, in the last moment, to try and kep him with her. And the memory was gone again, slipping between his ghostly fingers like small grains of sand.

What am I supposed to do, Dee?... he cried in the darkness. You left me alone with her... left us alone... and now you want me to understand... to guess what I have to do? How do I know? How can I know, Dee? I dunno what she needs! I dunno...

I dunno what I need...

Heiji suddenly realized that he was beginning to cry as well now. For Grid's sake... how many years had passed since he had cried for the last time, since he had felt... human for the last time? Since he had still been able to wince at the only thought of erasing an insurance pattern, because the idea of 'death' was too frightening not to consider it with care? On a world where nobody could die, unless they were very old, very poor or very unlucky, being actually able to wipe off someone definitively was something people had to count in, sooner or later. Yes, it was risky. Yes, it was dangerous. Yes, for the most part, only a handful of very skilled Fixers - or even more seldom, Engineers or Bureaucrats - dared to take this task upon themselves, and not for a mean payment. But that still made it an horrible deal, and Heiji wondered how Deannah had even been able to forgive him for this.

"Forgive you?... Heiji... I was never angry against you... Never... I understand how you feel... I shouldn't have left you alone - because it's me who left you, Heiji-kun, remember? Not you..."

Heiji gave a slight start, and turned his eyes to little Jen, now looking at him with a stern gaze that was much more Deannah's than hers.

"I... I should've stayed. Gomen ne, Heiji-kun. Forgive me. You were too young for bearing with this..."

[Demenzia]

They were lying in the dark, lying within each other's arms, lying silent and still. Despite the lack of light, he knew that she was smiling; she liked smiling, especially at him, especially when there were only the both of them, and the only thought usually made him smile as well.

Heiji was so happy with her. She wasn't his first woman, nor himself her first man, but with nobody else had he ever been so happy. He never managed to remember how exactly they had begun to understand that they truly loved each other, and that it wasn't simply another game - it had simply happened, on that day they had completed another of these boring assignments, and had finally found themselves kissing passionately, corpses not even cold yet at their feet, Maussers still in hand. It had been wild and crazy, wild and unexpected, wild and dangerous, just as their lives were. It had been so good, also.

She was smiling at him in the darkness, her fingers tracing invisible arabesques on his naked skin, her long hair let loose on her shoulders. She was smiling at him, yet he could sense, like he only was able to in their ever growing intimity, that this smile had something oddly sad.

"Heiji..." she suddenly whispered, and he raised his eyes to her, guessing her face in the darkness.

"Heiji-kun..." Deannah said again, after a few seconds of silence, her smile more and more distant. "Would you care to... make a promise to me?..."

He slightly frowned, surprised, as she was lying closer to him, her head on his chest. Never had she taken on such a worried tone... and never, he realized, had she allowed herself to show any weakness. She was softly crying now, silently crying, as if trying not to disturb him without however be able to prevent herself from letting the tears flow.

"What's wrong, Dee?.." the young man answered, taking her in his arms. "Tell me. Is there... anything I can do to...?"

"... Promise me, Heiji", she simply said, slightly shivering. "I have something to do, and if... Well. One day... one day, you'll receive something from me. If this day happens... promise you'll help me?"

"...Of course I'll help!" he frowned again, caressing her cheek with his hand. "And I'm gonna help now if you need me!"

She simply shaked her head, in an odd manner that wasn't really like hers. She simply shaked her head, and only days later did he realize that he'd never see her again.

Why... why the hell hadn't he understood that this information disc she had retrieved was more than it seemed... why hadn't he understood this, as her smile had slowly begun to fade, day after day, once she had cracked it? WHy hadn't he... understood that it was one of these times when she would keep her mouth shut in fear of endangering them all?...

When the news of her death had reached him... he had collapsed. Living for weeks like a ghost - forgetting friends and enemies alike - not even able to cry, as if crying would have been the acceptance of the terrible fact. He hadn't been able to believe it at first. And once again, he had run away from reality... running away as, in fact, he had never ceased to do since his father's suicide. There were things he would see, would learn, would accept - and facts his mind simply decided to bury. The struggle for life, the downfall of his mother before she finally resigned herself to work for the Company - and keeping the bad memories only, because the good ones would have make him unable to go on. Deannah's death had been one of these facts, until that night, that night when he had cried for hours, unable to sleep, finally hit by the shock, finally aware of what had happened to her. Crying, screaming, pounding the walls with his fists, a mad dog locked in a cage he had himself crafted. Crying, acting like he had never done before, with such a violence that it had scaried him to death. Crying, and hating himself for not having understood in time.

The Heiji who had left his appartment the day after wasn't the same one that had promised Deannah his help.

The Heiji who had looked at the world again after that night had simply hardened his heart and mind, forgotten how to smile, and somewhat become like those men he was hating so much for having taken from him the only woman he had ever truly loved.

[Demenzia]

"You can't leave her here, Heiji", Deannah/Jen firmly said, and he gave another start, brought back to the cold, harsh world of his dying self. "You have to stop this - and to stop it now! If you leave her dying now, you realize you'll have had done all this for nothing - put yourself, and Jen, and Cyrus, in this whole mess for nothing?"

Her gaze was so hard on him... so penetrating, also, so intent on making him understand. Another of her lies, maybe, or another hidden truth. She had always been an odd and complex woman, more than he could even have tought, to the point of wondering for years what she had found in him that she wouldn't herself possess. When he had finally understood, it had already been almost too late. In the end, it all had been an awful mess.

"No. You don't understand, Heiji-kun", she sighed, shaking her head. "It's not about her willpower, of her desire to live. It's about you. If you don't stop hating yourself, Heiji, then we'll all die. The three of us. Plain and simple."

The Fixer looked at the little girl that was and wasn't Deannah, slowly frowning.

"Heiji... Daisukina Heiji-kun..." she whispered again, her look on him softening a little, such an adult way of speaking for her young features. "You told me you'd accept to stay, but you don't really want to live anymore, do you? Heiji, atashi o kikoeru o kudasai... Listen. Look at me. Look at her. Try to be honest with yourself, and with us. Why did you bring me back if you didn't intend on living? I can be back, Heiji! Not in exactly the same way than before, but you can bring me back!... If only you accept to finish the task..."

Heiji kept silent, not knowing what to say. Hating himself? Yes... she was so right. He didn't want to live, because he feared what he had become. He did not dare to try again, because he feared that nothing could ever be like before anymore, because he feared that he wouldn't be able to become the man he had once been. He would hurt her, in the end, hurt her so badly... And how could he only be able to actually do something for her, in this state... How could he do anything, a ghost in her mind... a memory that wasn't even able to properly die... a man who had never been able to protect her as she would have needed, once... only once?...

"Heiji..."

"... I don't know, Dee..."

"Heiji..." Her voice became slightly pleading, and she took his hands in hers, never letting her gaze away from him. There was sadness in her eyes, yes - sadness, but also fear, the fear to see him giving up in the end.

"... I don't know how to do it..." he finally admitted, shaking his head in despair. "I don't know! I swear! Please... Tasukete!... Help me, Dee... Help me!..."

But she simply shook her head, any hope slowly disappearing from her expression. She couldn't do anything more at this point. She couldn't force him to accept life again, and she didn't need words to make him understand this.

And upon feeling so much despair in her all of a sudden, he knew that his hate for himself would never really disappear.

[Demenzia]

An endless waltz of memories, memories of a time he thought he knew what happiness was... memories of a time he wasn't such a hard man... memories of the time they were still all alive, him and Dee and all their friends... but also, memories of the stormy days, of steel and pain, of heavy nights and harsh words. How their team had broken off after Deannah's disappearance, how Baika, the always cheerful Doctor, had cried and told him that it had been his fault - his fault! As if someone could have had stopped Deannah when she had something in mind! The fear in Kinlay's eyes, a fear he had never seen the Adventurer display until then. The despair buried deep in Cyrus' heart, the despair he had himself felt... unable to realize, at first, that she would never come back...

But Baika had been right, and it had been his fault, in more ways than one.

(... Do I have the right to make all of this useless now?...)

... Days of steel, nights of despair... closing his heart as well... making a stone of his heart, steeling his mind and emotions, and letting all feelings be washed by the growing hatred... He realized that it wasn't those unknown men he had hated the most. In fact, the hate had been for himself alone - for not having been there for her when she would have needed it, for not having told her in time how much he loved her, for not having been able to help and protect her as he would have liked. She had always helped him and shared her experience with him. And the only time she'd really have needed him at her side, he had been away.

(... Do I?...)

Heiji looked back at Jen. All was now frozen around them - even the tears on her cheeks. It wasn't Deannah anymore, but simply Jen-chan. The little girl that was now carrying 'her' memory. The little girl he had forced into his own hell. The litle girl he was slowly killing. Her mind was already gone, swallowed by his darkness; and when nothing would be left of her, she'd simply... die. Carrying Deannah with her. Why had he brought her back? For her? For him? For them? Or simply because it was providing him with an aim to reach... a goal to help him go on living when he wasn't able to find reasons anymore?...

(...No! I loved her! I still do! I...!)

Those long, four years spent awaiting her return... gone away? Those long years of silence and suffering... vanishing like this, like a sparkle dying in the dark... just like this?

(... I can't!...)

"You're right."

And her gaze was steady again, a last gaze, in the remains of her life. A gaze that made him feel like he ahd never felt before. She had trusted him until the end... trusted his abilities, his will to bring her back, and that was the reason why she had knowingly run to death.

She knew he'd bring her back. She trusted him to. And she still did!...

"You can't..."

[Demenzia]

He took her hand, slightly frowning, and the light flickered for a second before growing again, a little stronger than before. He couldn't leave. Not like this, not when having promised to give them a chance again. He had promised. Yes. He remembered now. When he had died... when he had been able to see Deannah a last time, the Deannah he had known and loved... he had made a promise. To stay with Jen, to keep Dee's memory alive... to allow the three of them to live, even if not exactly as they would have wished too.

"Ya promised... Remember?" Jen whispered, looking at him, and with an hesitant smile, he patted her on the head before slowly putting a protective arm around her frail shoulders.

"Yes. I promised, Jen-chan. And I'll keep my promise. I'll stay with you, kid."

The child all of a sudden gave a broad smile, and without any warning, hugged him close... so close that he gave a slight start. It was odd... feeling the touch of flesh again when he knew that he shouldn't be able to... and for a brief moment, he thought that it had all been a bad dream, that he was still alive, that all of this had never happened. Four years of nightmares, of hatred, of despair, erased in the embrace of a child. How good it would have been, to be with her again...

"I'll be the one ya love. Jus' like Dee. Wait until I'm grown-up, Heiji. I'll make ya happy. I promise, I'll make ya happy!" Jen whispered to his hear, much like Deannah used to do. The dead Fixer simply smiled, silent, and hugged her back.

The light became stronger again. There wasn't any need for knowing how to do it now; the simple desire to stay with her was enough to carry his promise. The frost backed up, then disappeared. In a shimmering of blue, he briefly felt the presence of the Grid, all around them, watching them, taking care of them. Their best ally; their friend; the place they loved to be, the place where their minds were supposed to live, forever, once all the body had disappeared. One day, they'd go back to the Grid, in the flesh and not only in their minds. When she'd be strong enough again, they'd go back.

"I'll bring ya back, Heiji. I promise too!"

They opened their eyes - looked at the bright sky above Newland, at the people and vehicles around them at the forest entrance - looked at Cyrus' tired face, and at the growing surprise in his eyes when he noticed that they were - no, that she was looking at him.

They were together now, and nothing would ever be able to separate them again.

[Demenzia]

Fourteen years later...

Heiji looked with her in the mirror, and met Jen's eyes once again. Jen, the slim woman that once had been Deannah, and still was, and wasn't. Jen, with her deep dark eyes and long brown hair. Jen, with her Cheshire Cat grin and odd ways of speaking, Jen who was always the first one to jump in the worst situations, Jen who had always had herself killed so many times that she didn't even count them anymore. Jen, the one he used to make cry so often when they were alone, only the both of them, trapped in the pool of memories. The one that used to make him feel so bad, also.

Ah, yes, she had become a fine woman, though her quirks usually contributed to prevent most people from noticing it at first. And when she put off these Keelarr glasses of hers, her eyes... her eyes were even deeper than one could have expected, deep and somewhat sad, also. As if she could never, never completely get rid of the feeling that, maybe, he wouldn't come back.

Such a fine woman...

In her mind, Heiji slightly frowned for himself. He couldn't really blame the... this other man (he couldn't take the resolution to call him by his name, at least not yet) for having fallen in love with her, in fact. Neither could he blame her for wanting to answer his love, so desperately that she could cry for hours and hours, night after night, cursing their fates, cursing the way things had gone, terribly astray. But she was staying loyal, despite her own feelings. She loved them both, yet though she knew Heiji was only but a ghost for the moment, though not being sure she'd see him alive again someday, though not knowing how long this would take, she was remaining loyal to him. And she was crying so much, when she was alone at home, knowing that whatever she decided to do, he'd make her pay, sooner or later.

It was so hard, for the both of them. So hard to be aware of her feelings, of her guilt when she was looking at 'the other', thinking that it would be so good to touch his warm flesh and being held between his arms. So hard to be aware that she was more and more often balancing between her desire for himself, Heiji, and her desire for... the other. So hard to be in this pitiful state, half a mind trapped in her flesh, entangled with her thoughts to the point of not always knowing if the feelings they were experiencing were hers or his. So hard.

"I sorry, Heiji", Jen suddenly whispered, closing her eyes to escape her reflection in the mirror. "Sorry if I never could find 'im... sorry if..."

"You don't have to."

"But mehbe he's dead. Mehbe they killed 'im, after all. Mehbe he was erased... will all the others... that night..."

"I'm sure he didn't. Cyrus was able to bring you back, remember. So he surely wouldn't have let himself be killed like this. Don't worry. Maru-1 was with him, anyways."

She kept silent for long seconds, not able, or maybe not wanting to give any answer to this, and he knew that she was thinking exactly the same thing than him - his own words sounded too much like a plea, like something people used to say to comfort themselves, like a false hope he was brandishing to prevent her from being even sadder than she already was. They had discussed it so many times already. And she had been looking for the Engineer for so many years... so many years, now, that with every passing day, the hope of finding him again was becoming thinner and thinner. If things were to go on like this... one day, hope would simply vanish. And then...

"... I'm goin' to bed. Sweet dreams, Heiji-kun..." Jen finally muttered, before turning from the mirror and switching off the lights. She didn't need them to find her way in the appartment - she knew where each thing was, she even knew where she had left this pile of wires, and there, the broken term she had been tinkering with, and the junk of discs lying on the couch, awaiting her to give them some time and try to get some data out of them before throwing them away. She knew it all, even in the mess, a mirror of her own inner maze, of the very mess that was her mind. A mess - inside and outside, Heiji's and Deannah's and Jen's memories melting within each other, all the time. All the time.

But he couldn't sleep. He needn't sleep, after all. He had all the time he could wish to think and ponder, although he would have liked not to. Thinking was becoming awfully painful, in the end, when all one could do was to think... not to act. There was the Grid, of course... the Rift, where his mind could escape sometimes, and travel while linked with hers... yet it wasn't the same than being alive.

Being alive. Being aware of his own body again. Being aware of the time fleeing between his fingers, instead of pursuing one thought, then the other, then realize that a whole day had passed... or, on the contrary, to think so fast that Jen herself couldn't follow him. Even after fourteen years spent 'together', this wasn't an easy process, and his mere presence was sometimes confusing her a lot. It was better when he monitored the Grid for her... a part of ehr mind setting itself at another task, so that the other part could concentrate on the matters happening around her. But there were moments when it simply wasn't possible.

"I'm sorry too, Jenny..." he thought, before realizing that one more hour had passed, while he was lost in his 'own' thoughts, and that she was deeply asleep now... a long, dreamless sleep, after all these days and night spent to attend the department meetings, running across the whole terraformed area of Rubi-Ka, and working on all the decryptions, inquiries and arious other jobs that were of her resort within SPARTA.

"I'm sorry", she said, and he abruptly stopped thinking. He was certain he had said these words, not her. She was still asleep, though; after long, troubling seconds of the most utter silence, listening to slow, measured breaths that simply couldn't be his, Heiji raised a hand. Looked at his hand. At her hand.

"Ya can, Heiji-kun. Really. I allow ya to..."

The dead Fixer who was no more than a shadow gave a start. The little girl was back in their shared mind - Jen-chan, smiling, her little hand holding his tightly, not seeking protection, but... showing him the way, maybe?

"I know yer always alone in here. It must be hard fer ya, ain't it? So maybe... maybe ya can go out like this. Jus' a little, okay? Promise... promise ya won't do it too much, Heiji... Promise?"

Heiji stared at her for at least a minute, maybe even two, and all of a sudden, started to laugh. He laughed with all his mind, with all his heart; he laughed with her voice, also.

Her body had to take some sleep though; he knew it, and despite the sheer need of running around, jumping, laughing out loud again and again, he did his best to refrain himself. What happened once, could happen twice, and so on, and so on, at least for someone like him. This was definitely becoming most interesting.

In their shared mind, Jen-chan gave a childish yet mischievous smile, and held his hand tighter.

[Demenzia]

((OOC: This is not exactly the end, though it looks like it...

Something... somewhat related is to follow. Soon.

Keep tuned in people. Soon. *Very* soon... ))

[MissMaul]

I think we all know that kicked some serious arse.

[Jorji-]

(I have to check this forum every day for this thread... it (and I lapse into l33tsp34k) totally 0wnz)