Merry Christmas

The holidays can be so dissappointing and embarrassing on top of it all. Tonight was the first time I have cried in 10 years. I thought I was beyond others ridicule even if it was just a small jab.

I wanted to skip the gift giving session that was planned for tonight, even though I had gotten every one something. That couldnt be avoided though. My so called friends grabbed me and took me to our secret Tir meeting place. I saw gifts everywhere and people waiting on me before it was started. It seemed so exciting and I started to anticipate something good.

EVERYONE important was there.

Gunnandahalf made a point of giving my gift first. It was quit big and not very well wrapped. I could tell by its feel it was going to be a gag gift at my expense. So like anyone I sucked it up and opened the gift at everyones urging. Inside was a pen the size of a baseball bat.

Seemed Innocent enough.

Then Gunnandahalf spoke up and said, "Hey Nikk, since you think the pen is mightier than the sword, I thought we would get you an extra large one so this war would get over faster." Most busted out laughing as Gunn keeped poking fun at me.

I saw the Higher ranking officials that I tried so hard to influance just sitting there. As if this whole display was a judgement on my character. As if I wasn't really worth listening too. It didn't matter what the truth of their thoughts was it was how I felt at that very vulnarable moment.

A laughed a little put on the good face and watched the others open their presents. I felt so awkward in that time and only made me feel worse.

As soon as I could, without making it seem I was affected in anyway, I left.

When I got back to my quarters I tried making myself busy, but I just broke down in a way I have never done before. It was Like I wasn't in control of what was happening. I felt silly as hell with the situation, but atleast I was alone, so I embraced it and got it over with.

It's very hard to stick up for what I think is right in this war. I have enough trouble dealing with how people think I am a coward even though it may not be true. I guess I'm just not confident enough in my self. I guess thats something I need to work on. I know I'm right in all of this, I just have to convince myself first.

I do feel somewhat better now that I have thought about it. No matter what Gunn's intentions where it was the problem I have with myself and no one else. Something I can fix.