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Thread: Juju's guide to improved villainy.

  1. #1

    Juju's guide to improved villainy.

    Intro :

    Now folks, understand that as a public official, I do get my share of dealing with random bad guys . I do not decry this, for indeed while they are pretty much my enemies, those "generic bad dudes" always manage to amuse my black ass to no end. They are also what i like to call, business as usual.

    But lately, i must admit the efforts of evil organisations worldwide have been severely lacking : I mean, some of those dudes really, REALLY need some help, and REALLY should drop following chapter by chapter "how to be an evil villain 101". This is bordering on lazyness.

    So this folks is my guide to improving villains and their minions everywhere, so we can FINALLY have some meaningful and evil competition out there. And also a magnificient occasion to throw a grand broadside at lazy villainy, everywhere it may be.



    Step one : It's all about ..hmmm.....something or other.

    The very first step about being in any evil organisation, PERIOD, is to actually have a point. This is what we like to call The Message. However, A lot of folks actually confound The Message with their overall agenda. Those are two totally different things. Here are typical generic bad guy's objectives/agenda :

    - Global domination
    - Destruction of the enemy side.
    - Having the biggest pile of credits to sleep on.
    - Kill stuff/people/structures

    BORING!
    I mean, seriously, don't you guys have ANY imagination ? Can't you guys have more exotic agendas ? I mean seriously, EVERYTIME, and i mean, EVER TIME there's a new bunch of baddies out there, it's always about death, destruction, without any meaning. All this does is having the "Good guys(tm)" going
    "*yawn*.... oh well, looks like we're gonna have to save the day.... again..."

    For crying out loud folks, BE CREATIVE! Go for innoculous looking objectives that allow you to, over time, Attain your ultimate Agenda ! EXAMPLES :

    - Control of the entire planetwide supply of pink gonodian olives ! (people would do ANYTHING for those... MONOPOLY baby! )
    - Cause chaos and distrust within the ranks of a rival organisation (Infect them all with monstrous genital sex slugs so they all blame each others for the contagion! ).
    - Start a Dating agency! (Infiltrate by having your secret agent become someone important's lover )
    - Throw the biggest , most interesting party on the planet....( and then mind-control them using the party's music !)

    Now, THIS is starting to look like a more insidious, innoculous looking little plan that nobody's gonna be able to see coming! ( well, not anymore, muahahahahaha..... but you get the point). Seriously, Who's gonna believe the nut that says an evil organisation is trying to have a monopoly on the pink gonodian olives? NO ONE !

    A truly evil plan like this helps bring out The Message. Start thinking on an angle nobody's thought about before! Nobody said being an evil genius was an easy cake to bake!



    Step 2 : Choosing your minions.


    Now, the main problem with any evil mastermind's planning is, obviously, the minions. It's not like you can do EVERYTHING by yourself. Eventually someone's gonna have to be watching over the super secret HQ while you're gone to get some Bronto Burgers.

    Robots have a tendency to malfunction and go on murderous rampages, and also to be humping the doors whenever they feel like it. This is not a job you can actually automate! you are going to have to actually have real people to deal with things here!

    So tragically, most evil villains just hire EN MASSE and find themselves with a base filled with buffoons that won't be able to catch that omni-internops agent that was sent to steal the secret plans..... BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL EATING PIE, AT THE SAME TIME, IN THE BREAK ROOM.


    Lieutenants


    The key to super villainy is simply to make sure you have good staff in your upper echelons. This means having a few lieutenants around to make sure your evil organisation is running like it should, while you're in your office thinking of new ways to bring death and destruction to your enemies, thru innoculous means.

    IDEALLY...You want your dedicated lieutenants to order around and kick your minions into doing whatever they should be doing. You want your lieutenants to have some sort of gimmick that makes them SUPERIOR to other members of their race or profession. You DO NOT want generic looking henchmen... otherwise nobody's gonna be taking em seriously! So make sure they have something SPECIAL. Even if it's just keen fashion sense, or a really disturbing tendency to want to slice things. With their gigantic mutated notum-encrusted thumbnail. ( I hope you're taking this down folks, THERE WILL BE A TEST LATER! )

    Now that you've got yourself a good core of lieutenants, let THEM get the minions that will be working under them. This should get you some homogeneity, and ensure that your minions fear/obey your lieutenants.


    Uniforms


    Another fatal flaw in most evil mastemind's plan is SEVERE lack of wardrobe. It's the little details, understand, but they make a big difference. I have seen too many generic bad guys in trenchcoat, it's become so passe that i can't even begin to start stating the reason of the LAMENESS and DANGER of letting your MINIONS be taking IMPORTANT DECISIONS like what they are going to be wearing on the job.

    ALL FACTIONS ( yes, even the neutrals) have access to the miiir fashion shops.
    You have NO EXCUSE! You really think nobody's gonna notice that the guy setting up the sound equipment at the "super grand party" is wearing power armor ? You think your infiltration agent is looking totally the part WEARING A GOAT HELM IN OMNI-1 ? A hot date that wears a kevlar crotch protector ? NO! niet! nada! non!

    The uniform is part of the prestige of being part of an evil organisation. Your minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING! Either institute an organisation-wide uniform policy, or leave your lieutenants to set the special uniforms for their sections. You want your delivery boys having a cute outfit with a bowtie! You want your all girl kung-fu squad led by Mistress Katarinata all wearing SKIN THIGH LATEX OUTFITS! It's not important to only destroy and kick the good guy's(tm) asses, you want to look good doing it! It's all part of delivering Your Message of doom.


    Step 3 : Execution

    Now that you have a plan, you want it actually being done. The key to this, is, of course, MAKING SURE YOUR LIEUTENANTS CAN UNDERSTAND "the plan". They don't really need to know all the details and the reasons for everything at this stage.... But you want your lieutenants to be understanding what is actually required of them. You want your lieutenants to understand their part of the plan, so the MINIONS will actually be doing what they should be doing.


    Eddie "The thumb" slasha : So yeah.... the boss man says we're supposed to be setting up a soundsystem. Eventually we kill everyone.
    Tommy "expendable" Minion : Excuse me Mister thumb-boss..... but...... what does that have to do with anything ? *cowers* Please don't kill me...
    Eddie "The thumb" slasha : F$#@! if i know. All i know is that eventually we kill stuff.


    If your lieutenant's understanding of the plan is lacking this bad, there's gonna be no soundsystem at your "Grand party". Make sure you can explain " the plan" so everyone understands.

    FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS

    Of course, now that your lieutenants understand their part of " The plan"... you don't actually want them taking decisions at this point. You want them acting like foremen, with a checklist that you will issue them that will state everything that needs to be done, DOWN TO THE LETTER. You want your minions UNDER CONTROL! Remember that your minions are not supposed to THINK, they are supposed to DO WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING!

    So issue a checklist of all that needs to be done. Make it so even your dimmest of minion will understand. For example, the a messenger, the checklist should have the following things :

    - Make sure you are wearing the organisation approved Message delivery uniform.
    - Go in (building).
    - Find (person)
    - Deliver (message) by saying (text)
    - Leave (building).
    - /terminate
    - Report to lieutenant.

    You see this? A clean, clear delivery mission for your minion. A clear way for your lieutenant to punish the minion if he does not follow the checklist of things to do. This is a real example that actually happened to me.


    Lost "Errant" boy : You are Jujuwalker..... i have a message for you.
    Jujuwalker : oookkk..... what's the message?
    Lost "Errant" boy acts all weird.
    Jujuwalker : Well ?
    Lost "Errant" boy : I represent a coalition of people....
    Jujuwalker : And ?
    Lost "Errant" boy : they have been rather unhappy with you...
    Jujuwalker : So ? What's the message?
    Lost "Errant" boy talks into his communicator : " yes... i understand master.... yes... i will deliver your message".
    Jujuwalker : So... what's my message ?
    ((5 minutes later))
    Lost "Errant" boy : (bla bla bla bla bla) and yes... this is why i was sent to deliver you a message
    Jujuwalker : WHAT'S THE MESSAGE ???


    Obviously someone wasn't being closely looked at , and/or didn't have DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS on what to do. Do you really want to be one of THOSE evil organisations that make everyone laugh? NO! so work on the checklist , evil mastermind.


    Step 4 : About "The message"

    Obviously if you've been following all the steps, you have something to say. I mean, you're not doing this just for fun here, Evil villainy is SERIOUS BUSINESS!. Which is exactly why , no matter how tempting it is to gloat, NO ONE, and I mean, NO ONE SHOULD KNOW about your plan, and your general "Message of doom".

    The message should not be discussed by the minions. You do not tell the good guys(tm) The message of doom before you've actually won. I know, I KNOW you just want THE WORLD TO KNOW how evil you are..... but really, until you've actually won, It's much better for people to consider you as some exotic weirdo than someone that actually thinks he's a threat to anything.

    So yeah, DON'T. TELL. ANYONE.
    You've been warned.




    Conclusion

    Hopefully this will improve the severely lacking quality of villains we've been encountering lately. Feel free to laugh and conmiserate at the bad guy's expanses, quotes are excellent and a welcome addition to this mini guide on being a better villain.

    Da juju, wishing the bad guys would actually do their homework.

    Last edited by Jujuwalker; Sep 20th, 2006 at 10:39:10. Reason: Correcting typos.
    --
    The nootie's infamous black joker, Jujuwalker :
    RP profile : http://www.ao-universe.com/tools.php...ion=show&id=74
    --

    La censure est la negation de l' esprit. (Censoring is the negation of thought) --Yvirnig
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson
    --
    QUOTE OF THE DAY : And remember : you minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING!

  2. #2
    If all else fails. Weapons of mass destruction equals good! How do you think I did so well? Blowing up that Aethyr Knights building...

    Keep it up Juju!
    GorgeFodder4 / Skeletawe
    Anti-Miner / Miner
    Omni-Mining / NLF Remnant?

  3. #3
    I thought "execution" was refering to something else entirely. My bad.
    Janella "Nevver" McCallagher
    Board Member of
    Devil's Advocate
    .·´¯`·..·»
    Why settle for less when you can oppress?

    "First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." - Mark Twain
    "Nevver: Like the thing that hides in your closet. But worse." - Gueve


    Also known as...
    Jacquelynn "Kaitakait" Moscardelli
    Sun "
    Jamais" Soleil
    Sari "
    Nixis" Wagner

  4. #4
    I have no idea which villain inspired this message....>.>
    Attli - 218/21 Clan Agent - Instability
    Contradictor - 220/15 Shade - retired

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Jujuwalker View Post
    Intro :

    Now folks, understand that as a public official, I do get my share of dealing with random bad guys . I do not decry this, for indeed while they are pretty much my enemies, those "generic bad dudes" always manage to amuse my black ass to no end. They are also what i like to call, business as usual.

    But lately, i must admit the efforts of evil organisations worldwide have been severely lacking : I mean, some of those dudes really, REALLY need some help, and REALLY should drop following chapter by chapter "how to be an evil villain 101". This is bordering on lazyness.

    So this folks is my guide to improving villains and their minions everywhere, so we can FINALLY have some meaningful and evil competition out there. And also a magnificient occasion to throw a grand broadside at lazy villainy, everywhere it may be.

    Conclusion

    Hopefully this will improve the severely lacking quality of villains we've been encountering lately. Feel free to laugh and conmiserate at the bad guy's expanses, quotes are excellent and a welcome addition to this mini guide on being a better villain.

    Da juju, wishing the bad guys would actually do their homework.

    OMG <3<3<3
    "If you say 'plz' because it's shorter than 'please', I'll say 'no' because it's shorter than 'yes'."


    SirNegs - Neutral Keeper
    Negs - Neutral MP
    Lode - Neutral Doctor

  6. #6
    ((omg I fell outta my chair laughing reading this... -phew...fans herself- ))

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Xaun View Post
    ((omg I fell outta my chair laughing reading this... -phew...fans herself- ))
    ((but humor aside, he does hit on some real solid issues))
    "If you say 'plz' because it's shorter than 'please', I'll say 'no' because it's shorter than 'yes'."


    SirNegs - Neutral Keeper
    Negs - Neutral MP
    Lode - Neutral Doctor

  8. #8
    ((I 100% agree <3 juju!! he is one uber cool dude!))

  9. #9
    Just doing my part to increase the quotient of sexy-leather-wearing-assasin chicks... because Juju cares ...
    Now let's hear some of the worst villainy you've actually had to deal with, cmon.

    ... and remember folks : Your minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING!
    Last edited by Jujuwalker; Sep 21st, 2006 at 03:50:49. Reason: fun
    --
    The nootie's infamous black joker, Jujuwalker :
    RP profile : http://www.ao-universe.com/tools.php...ion=show&id=74
    --

    La censure est la negation de l' esprit. (Censoring is the negation of thought) --Yvirnig
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson
    --
    QUOTE OF THE DAY : And remember : you minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING!

  10. #10
    Well my worst had to be when Ezhno went crazy and to this day is only living by being infused with the grid. ((Player driven/created stories FTW one of the most fun I was ever in ... too bad the person who came up with the ideas and all that stuff left AO ... however we'll be meeting up again in AoC ^_^)) To this day Ezhno remains pretty much a vegetable, but his mind lives on.
    "If you say 'plz' because it's shorter than 'please', I'll say 'no' because it's shorter than 'yes'."


    SirNegs - Neutral Keeper
    Negs - Neutral MP
    Lode - Neutral Doctor

  11. #11
    I find to my amusement someone is taking this guide seriously.

    http://forums.anarchyonline.com/showthread.php?t=466564
    --
    The nootie's infamous black joker, Jujuwalker :
    RP profile : http://www.ao-universe.com/tools.php...ion=show&id=74
    --

    La censure est la negation de l' esprit. (Censoring is the negation of thought) --Yvirnig
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson
    --
    QUOTE OF THE DAY : And remember : you minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING!

  12. #12
    I'm pretty sure you're being sarcastic.

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Astera View Post
    I'm pretty sure you're being sarcastic.
    Juju being sarcastic ? You gotta be kidding, heh.
    Server first !!! Neutral Solitus Male Soldier named Boltgun to wear a short with pink spots on RK1 !!!
    N E U T R A L I Z E R S

  14. #14
    Guide to being a villian? is it just me or can i see a big arrow pointing at Nevver at this point?
    Major "Nyadach" Prabel
    Neutral and proud of it!

  15. #15
    WTB Nevver in shiny leather outfit. *drools*
    --
    The nootie's infamous black joker, Jujuwalker :
    RP profile : http://www.ao-universe.com/tools.php...ion=show&id=74
    --

    La censure est la negation de l' esprit. (Censoring is the negation of thought) --Yvirnig
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson
    --
    QUOTE OF THE DAY : And remember : you minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING!

  16. #16
    *drool* Damn you Juju I'll have that image for weeks now
    Major "Nyadach" Prabel
    Neutral and proud of it!

  17. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Jujuwalker View Post
    WTB Nevver in shiny leather outfit. *drools*
    I would picture her more in black shiny latex.. but thats just me..

  18. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Xaun View Post
    black shiny latex.. but thats just me..
    Xaun in shiny black latex...is this the latest Knights recruitment drive? might just work
    Major "Nyadach" Prabel
    Neutral and proud of it!

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Nyadach View Post
    Xaun in shiny black latex...is this the latest Knights recruitment drive? might just work
    You add a guy with an impossible hairdo as a frontman and a lesbo chick on the electric guitar that can do incredible things with her toungue, and suddenly you've got a pretty effective/evil recruitment drive/band.

    Knights in clan's service anyone ?
    --
    The nootie's infamous black joker, Jujuwalker :
    RP profile : http://www.ao-universe.com/tools.php...ion=show&id=74
    --

    La censure est la negation de l' esprit. (Censoring is the negation of thought) --Yvirnig
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson
    --
    QUOTE OF THE DAY : And remember : you minions SHOULDN'T BE THINKING!

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Jujuwalker View Post
    You add a guy with an impossible hairdo as a frontman and a lesbo chick on the electric guitar that can do incredible things with her toungue, and suddenly you've got a pretty effective/evil recruitment drive/band.

    Knights in clan's service anyone ?
    but but ... they need free punch and pie
    "If you say 'plz' because it's shorter than 'please', I'll say 'no' because it's shorter than 'yes'."


    SirNegs - Neutral Keeper
    Negs - Neutral MP
    Lode - Neutral Doctor

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