((This is my latest story...and although it can be depressing and saddening at times, these are troubled times for Nulion....It's told through him talking into a voice-recording journal, while sitting and admiring the view in Elysium, where he's been hiding for the past few days. I hope you enjoy reading what's on his mind!))
BEGIN_JOURNAL
19_JUN_29480
*click, the journal turning on*
It's...so peaceful here.
Faint echoes pass through the sky to my ears, from off in the distance. The sky, a sapphire torrent of energy and light, whorls above me...menacing, yet placid. I hadn't been to Elysium in awhile, that's for certain. It was the only place in the Shadowlands, maybe apart from Nascence, that I felt safe in...
The entire month of June for me, has been a living hell....And here I am, recanting it all for you, my journal...What I hope is that...if something happens...*long breath*....that someone will find it, and know the truth. Everything is in here....LIterally my life peeled open as a book. Maybe several months ago, the things I scribe here would have been best described as "hands off", but things have a funny way of changing.
I have nothing better to do with my time now, than to think about things as they have come to be. There's no work on Truth Tower....There will be no Council of Truth meetings....There will be no lounging about in Jobe, no food from the Bronto down in Newland, no shooting the breeze with friends of all factions....And very honestly, I'd never wanted it to go as far as it has.
When I'd met with Noraxu, what feels like years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed it would lead me to this. *heavy sigh* Well, let me explain, and get this off of my chest. Even a little.
Maybe the best place to start, is from where the last journal entry left off....That storm, that I knew was coming...
It's arrived.
The disc Cylie had been carrying, that same one Volcatius had asked me to get for him...well...I can imagine she didn't feel comfortable having such a thing nearby. Maybe to throw me off, she'd handed it to Toxor...But she didn't see how strangely he was acting. I don't think anybody could've predicted it...or explained why the man started just giving away his things. What could posess even somebody like Toxor to do such a thing? I guess for the time being, we'd just shrugged it off as nothing.
That changed though, a short time later when Toxor had asked to meet with me, over in the middle of ICC. Not only did he tell me he had the disc, flashing it in front of my face....but he told me that in order to get it, I would have to go through him. I'd thought that was pretty typical of him....being as headstrong as he was...But he really didn't want to give up that disc without a fight...And the worst part of all, was that he knew his insurance was damaged.....Of course, hearing that, I....I couldn't do a thing to him. How could *anyone* hurt him, knowing that?
About the only thing I could do, and the thing I did do, was just drop the subject and leave. I...I'm not a murderer...*heavy sigh* But like I said...things change.
I think it was a few days after talking with Toxor, that I'd heard from Tipha....And she has become so deep-rooted in the Legionnaire fold, that she had by this time been granted her own unit within the Legion...and dubbed by Volcatius himself with the title "Praefectus Legionis". Perfect Legion, I think....It's been so long since I'd taken latin during my old school years, but I did remember bits of it. Tipha's new title, though...it scared me. Everything I see in her, it's as if I'm looking into a mirror of my future self, seeing the monster I'm slowly becoming...
And yes, I....I am still becoming a monster in more than just that way. My body is still feeling so odd all over...I can hardly place it, but it's a feeling I'm positive I am never going to get used to. Even lying against this rock here, out in the middle of the Elysian fields, I can feel it making my arms numb, from the cold stone...*small shifting sound, grass rustling*
...That should do it. Anyway...*sigh*...where was I? That...that's right...Tipha. Talking with her though, she'd let me know that The Lord....was getting impatient of me. He wanted that disc, and by that time I had taken more than a month...yet it was still just out of reach. The instant I heard that from her lips...I knew I had to make a move.
The very next day, I'd confronted Toxor in the same place we had talked before, at the center of ICC Rubi-Ka. It was very much the same talk we'd had before....But this time, he was willing to maybe go about things another way. I'd tried faking a robbery with Cylie...but she was afraid to follow through. Toxor on the other hand...wasn't. Reassuring me that this time he was safely insured in Penumbra, the two of us agreed to fake a hit and run; it should have been flawless.
N...now, I've killed people before...I've shot at them, I've watched them collapse and their corpses fester....But it's that effect Rubi-Ka has on you, that shields you from everything you might be thinking after killing a man. I know how I'd feel...That his death was only a temporary thing, that he'd be back to shoot at me again another day....That in reality, there never was a murder. It was a wonderful thing for the mind to be able to bounce back from, to deal with the fact that by your own hands, you have slain another.
It's the comfort I felt as Toxor dropped dead, onto the checkerboard pavement of ICC...a single, miniscule disc rolling from out of his hand. It rolled along the ground, coming to a stop right at my boot...And as soon as I got the disc into my hand, I heard Toxor's voice on the comm. He was in Penumbra...dying. Sputtering out nonsense at first...he became a little more coherent...a...and the last thing he told me....was that I was the last sane man he knew. Was.
Then, there was nothing...*heavy sniff* I...I stared at his body, feeling the safety of this world slip away....I...I was staring at a dead man. And I had done it....*another sniffle...the sound of crying* ...I...g...god, I'd never meant to....
*long pause...*
...I...I think he'd wanted to die....And I was just the perfect tool. I...I wanted something, he wanted something....And he'd managed to fool me into it. I am a fool....I n-never claimed I wasn't...
*another long pause...*
....God rest your soul, Toxor....*sputtered out inbetween fits of tears..*
O..okay..c...c'mon, get a hold of yourself Nuli...g...get a hold of yourself...*heavy breath, sniffling*
...S...sorry. I couldn't help it. I've barely even had the time to s...sit down a think about this. I don't even want to think about this, it...it's just too damn painful...
*heavy breath...another pause...*
After....after the events of that day, I...I guess I was pretty depressed. Not even a bottle of vodka could drown it out...
D...don't get me wrong, I'm...not usually this kind of person...On the inside. I hate doom and gloom...I hate having to feel this way, I hate having to think the world is dark and black....I prefer the lighter side of things...To see and feel and think of the sun. I like to soak up the beauty of...of a place like Elysium, and to tell myself that someday...It's all going to be better.
I haven't given up hope....I...I have too damn much to live for. *sniffles softly*
*heavy breath* Any....anyway....Things don't get any better though....They just get worse. Toxor was...a member of the Omni-Tek Board of Directors. He was important to them, and held a fairly high position within the corporation. Around that time, the board meeting wasn't too far off....Now, I don't know what ended up happening there, but it wasn't good for me.
It was several hours after the meeting, I think, that I'd turned my comm on...And almost immediately, there was a message for me from Cylie....After having "threatened" her for that disc...things between the two us us had calmed down. We could talk again, we could share a cup of coffee or just shoot the breeze....That's honestly what I thought she had in mind then. She'd asked to meet with me...The tone of her voice did suggest something was wrong, so I cautiously agreed to meet with her in the fireplace room at Reet's Retreat.
I remember thinking, while looking at the fire, that something terrible had happened at the Board Meeting concerning Toxor, and she'd wanted to let me know about it. I...was still such a wreck over what had happened with him...I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what happened, although....the fact that he *did* want to die comforted me. A very, very morbid comfort...
There wasn't too much time to sit and think though...I heard the door open, expecting Cylie. It wasn't her though...Around ten Unicorn Troopers stepped into the room, followed by a group of Omni-Tek employees and neutrals...And every single one of them wanted a piece of me. I saw Sotto in the corner...scribbling on a notepad, callously. I saw Anamelle glaring at me, wanting to, as she put it "rip out my symbiants and sell them on the black market."
About that time...seeing all of that....I wanted to curl up into a corner and just cry....I couldn't though. I couldn't do anything, but flatten myself against the wall, and stare into my own reflection off of the Unicorn man's glossy armor....Maybe to the people there who saw me, I wasn't afraid. I stood there the best way I could as the Unicorns mocked me...Told me all the things I already secretly knew to be true, that the Legionnaires were just a crock, that I was just a fool for following them....Something in the back of my mind though...told me He was still watching. I couldn't fold inward...
If I did, all of this would be for nothing.
I can remember the lead Unicorn asking me in that cool, self-assured voice of his, for the disc I was carrying....But I couldn't give that up. I just couldn't....Not even with a gun in my face. If I did that...Toxor will have...have died for nothing. The disc was supposed to be a bargaining chip right into Volcatius' lair...And the very next day, we'd break down his door and end this. We'd END IT!! I'd make him PAY for everything he's done....to the children....to the others....to me.
But...how could I tell anybody that without Volcatius learning about it? Fact of the matter was, I couldn't do a thing about it...I would have held strong...I would have kept that disc right on me...but the Unicorn whispered something in my ear, that changed my mind. If I didn't give the disc up....He and his men would go down the line of everyone I knew, and hunt them down. I...I knew he wasn't joking....And the thought of everyone else I knew having to pay the price for something I had done....I just wasn't prepared to accept it.
Defeated, I handed that damn little shard of plastic over, and told him to get the hell away from me. Ever hear that old story "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"? If you did, then you'll know he'd want a glass of milk. The Unicorns wanted more than just the disc....They wanted me to follow them outside, for...for whatever reason. Maybe it was punishment for what I'd done to Toxor....I don't know, but...it scared me, what else they would have wanted.
Unicorn men are...persistent. They don't ever take no as an answer...And when I refused to go with them, they used force. I felt an armor-coated hand grasp around my neck, literally dragging me out of the room...He brought me outside, shoving me up against the warm sandstone wall outside of Reet's...leveling his assault rifle at me. "Goodbye, Mr. Age," was the last thing he'd said, before these freakish purple shells lanced from the barrel....One into my forearm, one into my shoulder...And..*sigh*..a last one into my forehead.