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Thread: A ninjas story

  1. #1

    Post A ninjas story

    The night was dark and cold like it always is this time of year in athen the streetlight glowed dim and athen was enveloped in a dim glow. A lone figure stood above the advanced shop hid knives glinted in his hands ad he leaped building to building smiling to himself, life sence the Dark ninjas fell under his leadership had been full of paper work and constant meetings with other leaders.Not to say he didnt like this but ...it left little time to actually wail out and be a ninja but tonight ahh tonight was his night and he knew exactly how he should spend it. As he looked up he saw the wampahs come in to view he smiled to himself said "well demo tonight someone dies....." and he laughed and stepped through the bliss wahmpah and steped out in bliss. He listened quietly silance then all of a sudden a series of beeps came from his COMM "Demo here whatcha got?" a familiar voice came back "Hey boss just checkin in wonderin when we are gonna shake down the omni tech foreman" The voice blonged to Sircheeba one of his unit leaders whom he has tought the way of the ninja early in life "Well Cheebs im on my way out now so soon soon" Demo responded matter of factly with a smirk on his face. "okay boss ill let you get to that over and out" With that demo looked up at a building by the wall of bliss and jumped on to it landing no making a sound raking one last look at bliss in the dimm of the night he jumped off the building over the wall and hit the ground running in to the woods nearby and soon he came upon the front gate to the omni teck formans office. He rumaged through his pak and pulled out his cloaking device knowing that none of the gaurds were fast enough or strong enough to get at him he snuck in the fenced in baracaded entrance he counted 3 gaurds he snuck by them with ease as he saw the front door to the foremans office and steped in. Inside was very expensive looking nice rugs white walls and a stue in the middle of the room behind it stood a nice desk and a receptionist with 2 gaurds apperantly they hadnt seen him yet as he slid the cloaking device in to his pack and slid in to a dark corner Making his hands in a fashion his master before him taught him it is said if done right it will stun oppenents on impact of his wepons.Demoku chanted to himself whispering and looked up with a look of pure rage on his face as he leapt out of the corner running up the middle of the room jumping in the air and flipiing he landed behind the dumfounded receptionist who's only words were "you shouldnt be here......gluurck" Demoku smirked and looked at the receptionist with his knife in her stomach and kicked her body to the side as he slid past one of the gaurds so fast it seemed he did nothing but run but Demo turned looking at the second garud as he doubles over holding his stomach blood gushing from it, Demo looked at the third gaurd as he looked back at demoku with an expresion that would convey surprize as he raised his gun and aimed at Demoku's chest and fired off a round the air smelled like burning plasma for a second the smoke from the blaster cleared and demoku was nowere to be seen in front of the gun and as the gaurd realized what had happened he was face down in the floor with 2 knives in his kidneys. Demoku reached down and pulled his knives calouisly from the dead body of the gaurd and walked off in the direction of the foremans office saying under his breath "cake......." insatntly he stopped as if remembering somthin important and reached in to his pocket pulling out a folded peice of paper he unfolded it and laid it on the body of the receptionist and walked back to were he was going, He came upon the foremans office not shortly after that the office didnt seem to know anything was wrong in fact the omni teck gaurds were joking with eachother in thier break room. Demoku heard thier voices and laughs and for the first time in a long time realized these we people to poeple with hopes and dreams he felt a horrible feeling in his stomach but he sighed pushing it away. The door to the foremans office was slightly open and he could be seen inside scribling at his notepad and typing away on his keyboard inside his office was an expensive looking desk and six pillars other than the light from his computer screen the room was toatally dark. Demoku sliped in the foreman didnt seem to notice him as he slipped behind the pillars in his office as demoku listened he could hear the foreman talking to himself "damn damn damn.. havent i told those idiots in accounting i want plastic sheets on thes tps repots" Demoku took a deep breath and held it then exhailed relpying "hmmm tps reports.....seems that isnt the only thing you got to worry about huh chief" as he steped out of the shadows in to the light of the computer just in front of his desk.The foreman looked up surprized that someone had gotten in his room his office his santuary as he pressed a button on the desk and said in a hurried voice "receptionist get me securtaty up here pronto i got some whako in my room " with this comment Deomku laughed and the foreman realized why he had laughed when no response came."they are....indesposed in the front but they said to come on in and make myself at home" at that exact second in a blur of motion the dirrector jumped up from his seat putting one leg on the desk and using it to jump up and over the desk firing five shots and for of wich missed but the fith landed on demoku's shoulder as he jumped back in surprize and ran in to the corner of the room. The director laughed at this and said " it doesnt seem i have to worry about you look at you run" the smell or burnt flesh filled the room "i see your noticing the quility of my gun it fires bullets that have fire nano bots infused in to them im sure it burns you clan lakeys are all the same all talk no fight were are you you rat" as he walked around the room looking in the area the he ran in looking around and not seeing anything his eye's slowly moved upwards and there his eye's saw him his eye's glowing red in the darkness his knifes in the wall holding him up in the corner of the roof.At that second in his mind the pain had numbed Demoku the pain like a momento his left arm bled and around it was chared flesh this didnt matter it was combat that he enjoyed the warfare of ideals and feelings,ambition all of wich play a major part in combat in his opinion. With this final thought he pulled the knives out of the wall leaping striaght out and falling behind the director spining his knive inwardly he let his left hand fly in a brawl that wouldve made any martial artist proud knocking the director square in the face then he spun his knife again so the blade was in the right place and whipered "spinning blade" and with that he reared both arms back out striaght his left under the foremans chin "the foreman looked up holding his bloody nose firing a wild shot that missed Demo and hit the wall. Demo lowerd his body then jumped slightly with a twist the knives then spun upwards and out in a fasoin like a spining top and as this happened blood splattered in even lines all over the wall and floors of the office for a second all was silent then demoku landed and behind him a thud was heard this thud was the foremans head Demoku looked at the body and sighed walking to it and reaching down and pulling the gun out of his cold dead hands and reaching in the pocket of the body pulling out a couple sheets of paper that looked like order forms. Demoku reached in to his pocket pulling out another sheet of paper and unfolding it laying it on the foremans desk then turning around he looked up said the secret words to the ninja teleport spell and was gone in a puff of smoke. Below on the mangled bodied was very legible print and a symbol it said "you have been visited by the dark ninja and this is long from over" then under it was the symbol of the dark ninja's...............(i know kinda long)
    with respect and honor
    Demoku
    "im a ninja hear me stab!"

  2. #2

    Talking yeah i know i got some spelling problems in there

    i know im sorreh i was just typing and didnt realize that i had done them i hope you still read the story anyway. I hope some of you understand the language that is typo
    with respect and honor
    Demoku
    "im a ninja hear me stab!"

  3. #3
    bad punctuation - 7%
    run on sentences - 6%
    un compelling story -10%
    Impersonating a ninja - death
    final score, you lose

  4. #4
    ((Please, go on ))
    Proud agent of the Disciples of Omni-Tek

    Commissioner of the RKDC

    "One should not lose one's temper unless one is certain of getting more and more angry to the end."
    William Butler Yeats

  5. #5
    Punctuation - 3 out of 10
    Spelling/use of words - 2 out of 10
    Story/Plot - 1.5 out of 10
    Other writing skills - 2 out of 10
    Impersonating a ninja AND dishonoring the ninja goodness - You have just envoked the wrath of the legendary LOFN. The Leauge of Fabulous Ninjas...watch your back next time your in a PvP zone....watch your back.

  6. #6

    how silly.......

    hmmm dishonoring the name of the ninja huh. thats funny cause other then me and my crew i dont see any on rubi ka and as for pvp zones go ahead kill me if it makes you feel better. Its not like reclaim is'nt somthing that worryies me.So if your making some sort of statement for your forgoten orginization go ahead but you and i both know we dont see many of you around.Under my understanding i am an honorable ninja and i dont feel i need to prove myself to an uppidty atrox who just wants to kill me so ill end up coming back in the name of some orginization i havent seen in a long time holding dearly to the title ninja.Its okay though fade out.... thanx for the responses guys (those of you that responded ill take the replyies in to consideration next time i write this down it was all just some improv anyway -thanx have a good day-)
    with respect and honor
    Demoku
    "im a ninja hear me stab!"

  7. #7
    You havnt seen the org around because most left AO because they hit 220 and were getting bored. Thats why we are moving to WoW (a few of us still have AO accounts and play).

    "your forgoten orginization"

    HAHAHA, right, thats why we (along with a few other orgs) have in-game items.

    The Ninja Clown Suit

    Anyways, if I may get a little out of character for a moment.

    Your writing needs a lot of work but it could be good, just like you said you would, take peoples comments into consideration. Something that Ive learned from writing stories and posting them online is to read through them before you post them online (sometimes it helps to print them out, for some reason you catch more errors) and possibly read them out loud to make sure things sounds right. Also...spellcheck, trust me, it helps, especailly for those of us who cant spell very well.




    Like a stealth ninja polarbear, I slip silently into the night...

  8. #8

    Angry

    yo this is blazinendo

    i didn't know we were immortalized within the game with a clown suit

    thats really awesome

    remember the server crashed when we disbanded the org....a sign of true power

    as for these new posers.... pfft
    Omni Fixer "Towerman" level 161 - My GA4 blitz bish

    Omni Engineer "Blazin0" level 200 - Trox engy's are a bad idea ok? - Current Setup

    Former Member of The League of Fabulous Ninjas on RK2

  9. #9
    Woot, behold the mighty Blazinendo. Did it really crash when we disbanded?
    Like a stealth ninja polarbear, I slip silently into the night.

  10. #10

    Thumbs down hahah

    nobody asked you anything you disbanded YOU disbanded! hahaha you cant say anything you dont even exist *sigh* you guys are so agrivating.....(ooc man a guy tells a story of somthin THAT i did thats why there isnt a story to it god lee.....how do you expect ppl to write storyies if you guys flame it everytime i dont see anything from i mean i added all the graphic parts and crap but godlee a guy cant even write a story this is the point the game has progessed to go ahead and flame me cause you have nothing better to do with your disbanded org..its nice you have a outfit but you dont exist...)
    with respect and honor
    Demoku
    "im a ninja hear me stab!"

  11. #11
    It takes alot of guts to put something out here that shows a personal side of you and your creativity. I applaud you. When you continue to write, you will get better and pay more attention to smaller details, like run on sentences. I think the people flaming need to try a hand at it and see what it is like. Or just don't read the story if they don't like it. Dem, be careful not to sink to others' levels (I.E. flaming back, then having a signature boasting 'with respect and honor'.
    Tiger Claw's site has changed! Please visit us at tiger-claw.net!

  12. #12
    Ivyna has a point, and anyways

    Anyways, if I may get a little out of character for a moment.

    Your writing needs a lot of work but it could be good, just like you said you would, take peoples comments into consideration. Something that Ive learned from writing stories and posting them online is to read through them before you post them online (sometimes it helps to print them out, for some reason you catch more errors) and possibly read them out loud to make sure things sounds right. Also...spellcheck, trust me, it helps, especailly for those of us who cant spell very well.
    See, I was being constructive, I just had to do some in character for a bit, something I think is missing from AO.
    Like a stealth ninja polarbear, I slip silently into the night.

  13. #13
    (basically adding some paragraph breaks with double return would do wonders for the readability. Many people get intimidated by a big block of text. Others can get lost in it and end up misreading lines. I didn't actually read the story, but I probably would if you added some breaks in there. Not trying to offend, just a suggestion.)
    Gee...another expansion that I'm not interested in...maybe it's a hint? O.o


    Eeky: Cz how much beer would I have to provide to you, to have you water balloon the people responsible for last patch?

    Cz: I would never consider such a horrible proposal! (I'll have my people contact your people.)

  14. #14

    Lightbulb i try not to be mean

    (ooc) i try not to be rude i spent a while writing that and i understand tellin me whats wrong i dont like leaving crap like that .....i didnt even think of my signiture. i was just agrivated i wrote a story and then these ppl question my orginization?like we dont all do the same stuff here guildless or not. i dont like the idea of showing up on someones post to diss em thats mean i know it happens but godlee i understand helpin me understand what else i need to do but do i show up on a story you wrote and call your men or women in your org who you have worked with sence day 1 posers i dont do that i guess im takin it out of context but in char and ooc im offended that ppl would flame my org. so i write bad i wont make the mistake of doing it again im sorry to waste you time on somthing so unimportant have a nice day
    with respect and honor
    Demoku
    "im a ninja hear me stab!"

  15. #15
    I say keep writing, if you dont how will you get better? as for in character, thats what the LOFN is all about. I said that your story was ok except for the things I already listed. I dont see why you are taking the in-character part personaly, I think you need to relax for a second and just do a little corrections to your story like LangWiz said to make it more readable, from there just keep improving it untill you think it is the best it can be.
    Like a stealth ninja polarbear, I slip silently into the night.

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