Key to defeating Aliens, tinfoil hats?

[Editor: OTPC]

Reporter Omtron

(OTPC) -- Confronted with dangerous Alien gizmos and weapons? How can we fight back against these aggressive beings? Can old time aluminum hats, also called tinfoil hats, meet today's technological uses?

Many rumors and stories are surfacing now that we have uninvited visitors on Rubi-Ka. For many people, it's simply a matter of taking their best armor out with their biggest guns, strongest pets, and entering into the fray to joust the Alien horde.

But before you go to put on that armor and load that clip, consider this: a "tinfoil hat." Why would anyone replace their standard helmets with such a crude device made out of a weak metal?

Historical documents from Earth speak of such uses. Apparently, Earth also was subjected to alien visits and abductions, but to a far less violent degree than we face today. Records indicate that it was popular somehow to employ the use of these tinfoil hats.

Specifically, it seems the device acts as a reflection mechanism to varying frequencies used by Aliens trying to attempt to introduce subliminal messages by way of cortex penetration into our brains.

While this technology is unproven at this point, it's nonetheless important to examine how others dealt with similar issues and determine for ourselves whether this device will do well or not. If all else fails, you can always wrap up those to-go Bronto Burgers.

Instructions for building a high quality tinfoil hat:
First, obtain a large supply of aluminum foil from your local retailer.

It's important to have extra foil as these hats are prone to flying off your head. We recommend purchasing the optional "leet skin strap" to affix the hat to your head to counter this.

Slowly wrap a large sheet around your head, ensuring a tight fit so no rouge transmissions can slip through.

Congratulations. You now have the latest in old time Alien defensive technology. With any luck, it may just work too.

[Kithraks]

*Kithrak arcs a brow*

That was.......weird.

[Kzak]

Hm.. I suppose the usual in-depth research has been conducted with regards to the efficiency of tin-foil armor?

Personally I put my trust in my Beast helmet and conventional armor.

[Solkalibur]

*logs off the gridfeed*

And Omni-Tek is still allowed to remain a hyper-corperation........

[Korejar]

HA! I tried to tell you people before that tinfoil hats are important but noooooo, I get called crazy!

I knew Regulas was an alien!

[Trgeorge]

/me whistles

/me walks away without comment

[Jacob Stroud]

Attention all Omni citizens,

Upon further testing, we advise you NOT to wear one of these "tinfoil hats". They will NOT protect you from mind control beams. In fact, mind control beams do NOT exist on Rubi-Ka. You do NOT have anything to worry about.

I am NOT forwarding this message on behalf of Omni-Reform.

Omni-Tek is your friend.

[Korejar]

And I'm NOT an engineer too! *winks*

[Dabblez]

At last year's Isaac Asimov Science Symposium, Missmaul explained how tin foil hats can prevent reets from controlling our minds. If so, there may be a connection between reets and aliens as yet uncovered!

I include the original logs from Missmaul's speech so you can make up your own minds. We can only hope that this year's Science Symposium will contain as groundbreaking and important research.

20:42: Dabblez: Our next guest speaker is Miss Maul.. with something about... toothpicks
20:42: Missmaul grins
20:42: Montul applause politely
20:42: Rizzior smiles
20:42: Nepentheia: Ooooooo!
20:42: Mysten blinks and wonders what a toothpick is
20:42: Nashka hoots for MM
20:42: Missmaul: Arright, uh...
20:42: Missmaul: Well, I got the idea for this thingy when I was taking a walk through Lush Fields...
20:43: Missmaul: I was walking innocently along the path when all of a sudden I was attacked by VILE CREATURES!
20:43: Missmaul: They were hidiously ugly
20:43: Missmaul: They were...
20:43: Missmaul pauses for dramatic effect
20:43: Missmaul: KILLER REETS!
20:43: Missmaul: So like, I was on my way to the grocery store one minute and found myself walking to like...the forest the next...
20:44: Missmaul: And it hit me, ya know!
20:44: Missmaul: REETS ARE CONTROLLING OUR MINDS!
20:44: Silentstride gasps
20:44: Dabblez bllinks
20:44: Missmaul: So all of a sudden I got this crazy idea and got like, 6 leets.
20:44: Missmaul: In the past, humans have used foil hats to protect themselves from, uh...vampiers...cult fanatics...government people...werewolves..
20:45: Missmaul: uhm...gypsies...
20:45: Missmaul counts on her fingers
20:45: Missmaul: Well, the problem with tin foil hats is I was wearing it at the moment and the reet was still able to make me buy milk instead of eggs at the grocery store.
20:46: Missmaul: So when I realized what was going on I threw a toothpick at it and it ran away...
20:46: Missmaul: The next day I fortified the tin foil hats with toothpicks and they worked much better.
20:46: Missmaul: Plus they didn't get all crushed when my friend stepped on em.
20:46: Missmaul puts on a decorated tin foil hat
20:46: Missmaul: Then of course I had to prove it, so...
20:47: Missmaul: I made little toothpick/tin foil hats for 3 of the leets.
20:47: Missmaul: The 3 leets were perfectly normal
20:47: Missmaul: And ate leet treats and stuff like normal leets.
20:47: Missmaul: The rest of the leets started wrecking my apartment n stuff.
20:47: Missmaul: Cost me a bunch too.
20:48: Missmaul mumbles "of course, that might have been the hit the floor jack I accidentally fed em...hmmm..."
20:48: Missmaul: Oh well!
20:48: Missmaul: In any case, toothpicks are now recognized as a defense mechanism against killer reets, and cows are still purple.
20:48: Missmaul twitches a bit, looking at all the people
20:49: Missmaul: Uuhhhmm...uhhh...
20:49: Mowinckel adjusts his monocle
20:49: Missmaul shouts: SAVE THE LEETS! AAAAAHIEIIEEAAH!!!
20:49: Teeku: Brava!
20:49: Bogosorter: Have you tried other, like, throwing items, like pumpkins or equanimity stars or those tiny, little Agents, man?
20:49: Cogs: A most interesting discovery, miss
20:49: Cesley shouts: LEETS ALL THE WAY!!
20:49: Missmaul cowers in a corner
20:49: Bogosorter: Er. Nevermind, man.
20:49: Nepentheia shouts: roxxor
20:49: Nashimiron likes her fur
20:49: Ferodir: Bravo!
20:49: Ariekel: Whoah, you should so throw a tiny agent at a reet! That would rule!
20:49: Dabblez: were there any questions for Miss Maul?
20:49: Ariekel makes plans to test this by throwing Vixentrox at a reet.
20:49: Nepentheia: Yes.
20:49: Wraith001 laughs
20:49: Nepentheia: How many Leets live in her apartment now?
20:50: Missmaul puts on a monacle and a fake moustache.
20:50: Missmaul adopts an outrageously fake accent.
20:50: Missmaul: 3. I threw the rest off the balcony.
20:51: Dabblez: Thank you Miss Maul.. that was... I different
20:51: Missmaul looks shiftily at everyone

[kranden]

((OOC: is it just me or has the OTRK editor been a little.. noobish recently :P))

[Kzak]

/me writes a letter to the OTPC editor.

"I heartily recommend consistency and research into the topics of articles that are broadcast. Ed-u-ca-shun is good for you. If this cannot be done, get the help of an adult."

[Trgeorge]

It's gonna be warm in Rome this winter......just look at all the heretics too burn

[Boomer]

/me ponders over the gridfeed.

You must be joking! We're resurrecting Old Earth technology to combat invaders who have more sophisticated technology than we do? And to add insult to injury, we're not even bringing back GOOD Old Earth technology; we're bringing back props from a form of entertainment called movies. There was one in particular that illustrates the ineffectiveness of aluminum foil against subliminal mind control: Signs by a man called M. Night Shyamalan.

If we are going to start bringing back Old Earth technology, let's get something good, like "fighter jets" or "bazookas" or whatever the hard-hitting weapons were back then.

Unless someone wants to motion to start wearing Joka-Poka cans on our feet...

~Mireia~

[Maephina]

Maephina opens the morning's grid feed and casually browses to the Tabloid section.

Maephina reads an article in a popular rag known as the OTPC. As she reads through the article, Mae spits her coffee in uproaring laughter.

Mae shakes her head, cleaning up the mess she's made and laughs quietly to her self as she contemplates how she, who was once an employee, used to buy into the publications by these editorial hacks.

[Fionnghal]

All I can say is that I dont want to hear any news about alien abductions and probings... OK?

[Maephina]

Laughs!

You said PROBING

[Naefen]

I really dont apreciate humourous articles at present time.

Reporter Omtron I suggest you get out of your office and do a serios report on the men and women fighting the aliens with REAL weapons and REAL armors.
The men and women loosing theyre BLOOD and being destroyed time after time experiencing the PAINFUL trip to reclaim.

I suggest you either do that....... or stay in your safe office keeping your silly reports at bay. Preferably I would like to see you be the serious reporter we all know you can be.

[Astera]

...dont forget the tinfoil blindfolds.

[Dabblez]

Naefen,

I hear what you are saying, but I have to ask, have you actually tried the tin foilhat idea before dissing it?

At RUR new head quartes in the Coast of Peace, we've by and large avoided a lot of attention for the space alienses. While we are not using tinfoil hats as such, the fact is many of our robots are made in large part of tin as it's cheaper than steel and almost as strong.

So let's keep an open mind, maybe there is more to the tin than meets the eye.

Dabblez

[Marisha]

Some time ago, I did come across a medical journal that had done research on the tinfoil hat. It seems that the tinfoil did in fact block certain electromagnetic emissions. More surprisingly, these emissions were on a frequency that was surprisingly close to the frequency of human brain waves. When exposed to these emissions, most people developed minor problems, such as headache, irritability, and sleeplessness. In more sensitive people, the emissions caused neurons to misfire, resulting in audio hallucinations.

In short, the tinfoil hat may not of been blocking the orbital mind control lasers, but it was providing relief to the schizophrenic wearing it. The folk remedy used by street urchins may be the basis for future technological developments.