The Pfft! Story

[Dabblez]

Simon Says Part 1 by Dabblez

DAY 1

Everyone came to watch excitedly as father dragged in the oversized box and removed the lid. Inside, standing immobile, was a brand new RUR Physical Fitness Family Trainer robot, or a Pfft! as they called in the adverts. We'd never had our very robot before, so although Rover kept barking angrily at the robot, none of us paid the dog any attention. This just made the dog madder.

Father wanted to switch the robot on right way by mother insisted we read the manual first, reminding him sternly about "Lush Hill Kodiak incident". I don't know what the "Lush Hills Kodiak" incident really is, but its usually enough to shut dad up.

In there end though I got kind of bored waiting for mom and dad to figure out how to turn the robt back on I decided to take Rover for a walk in Rome Red instead.

(to be continued)

[Dabblez]

Run For the Hills - by Nohodsbarre

Prospective buyer, Mrs. Eduart Penditon The 3rd,member of Lush Hills Women’s club , notices that most of the women are fit and trim as well as their husbands. ''Dear, we are getting rather paunchy it’s time that we get in shape!"

While sipping his cup of Bronto cola, he exclaims loudly, ''Pfft! what did you say!?"

''You heard we need to exercise, move, hustle and bustle!""

He replies, ''That’s what I thought I heard you say. Well we could hire a fitness trainer or I read in the daily news RUR has new sale on Bots, a sort of all in one product."

''Splendid'' she replies, ''Lets go there."

The Penditons are now the proud owners of Pfft!, Physical Fitness Family Trainer .

”The Pfft! is rated completely reliable and safe.” he reads.

He activates the Pfft!. ''Good evening sir, I am your new fitness and wellness instructor. Where shall we start? ''

“How about a little running?” the husband replies.

''Good and shall I say, sir , you need a lot!"

''A lot of what?"

The Pfft! replies, "Running."

''Well I never!"

''You never did. May I suggest a nice run through Lush Hills, sir?"

Great!"

''Follow me !"

They kept pace with each other until the bot quickens the pace.

''May lord, you are going faster than the a bunch of rollerrats!"

''You need to go faster sir, the faster the more pounds fall off''

Then the robot wanted to test his owners feet and stamina. ''These mountains look good sir, how about a nice run up these?"

In the distance he could hear other Rubikan citizens also enjoying their mountain stroll. He could hear yells and screams of "RUN ,run, Lifebleeder!”

'Sir ,lets follow them . Its always good to keep up with the crowd!"

The Pfft! ran with lightening speed towards the crowd and Penditon could only
follow in his own pace panting for breath. ''Are you sure this is ok, Pfft?!"

''Absolutely safe!"

''Hey, mister,“ the citizens yelled “run , run the lifebleeder is behind
you!"

''Oh pfft!” he replies,'' That’s nonsense"

''RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

[Dabblez]

Simon Says Part 2 by Dabblez

DAY 4

Mom and Dad are all really pleased about Simon (that's what the called the robot, what can I say I have very boring parents). Dad keeps going on about how much weight he's lost and how good mom is looking. Simon has also suggested we get a UV sunbed to help us all get that tan, healthy look, but after checking out the catalogue father ruled it out as too expensive.

As for me, I am not so sure I like Simon that much. He wakes me up early everyday and makes me do jumping-jacks. He's also outlawed all my favourite foods. 'Fruit is nature's candy,' he says. Yeah, right.

[Dabblez]

Tales from the Pfft! The First Tale: Diary by Bogosorter

Monday

The PFFT finally arrived! I'm so excited! I just got him unpacked and he looks so cute and shiny. He has the greatest voice, too. Very deep and sexy in a souless, synthesized way. I don't think I'll have any trouble with motivation. You know what they say about Engineers and their bots. Ha ha.

I think I'll call him Bill. He seems really nice, too. He wanted to start working out right away, but it's awfully late. I said we could start training in the morning.

Tuesday

Bill woke me up at four. I don't mind. I guess. I mean, it's for my own good. I really want to wear my old uniform at the reunion next month.

He took me through some pretty routine stuff. I didn't think the workout would ever end. He barely left me any time to shower before work. I think it's doing me some good, though. I'm dead tired and a little hungry after Bill threw out the other half of my dinner. But afterwards, Bill picked me up to weigh me and said I'd already lost two pounds!!!

He's really strong, even for a robot.

Wednesday

I'm sure Bill's a nice robot, but he's way too bright and polished at four in the morning. He reprogrammed my replicator and vats overnight. Now all I can get out of them is this runny, gritty paste Bill says is based on "wheat berries" and "raw egg." I'll definitely lose enough weight if this is all I can eat for the next month. Yuck.

When I went into the garage, my yalm was gone. Bill came in and said I wouldn't need it anymore. He followed me to work, making sure I jogged the whole way. I got in late and the donuts were all gone. At least I still have coffee. I must have drank two whole pots.

My legs hurt. Where could he have hidden my yalm? I'll look for it tommorow when I'm not so tired.

And you know that stuff they say about Engineers and bots? It's not true.

Thursday

Can't write. Ache all over. Stupid bot.

Friday

doc at wrk said i wasnt lookin good
i said was new exercise
doc said stop take day off

didnt go home
went to broto burger
bill was there
said he put tracker in my clothes
warns him when I go food place

must get rid of him
will call rur tomorrow

Saturday

blocked door
bill outside
bang bang bang let me in
cant we discuss it
wont let them take me away
blah blah blah
stupid bot

rur arrive at noon
ten thirty now
door should hold

Sunday

[Dabblez]

Poldo by Alnor

Dear Ms Dabblez,
I would like to tell you a story about me, my wife Jenna and our RUR model PFFT! robot.
Well, we bought PFFT! and gave him the name we love: Poldo (an Italian name that means: robot who eats too much hamburgers). It looked fine: blonde air, tall, brown skinned. A solitus type subject with lot things to say and to do. (Really nice, above all from my wife Jenna point of view. You know, she’s a solitus blonde air girl, married with a macho type like me.... I’m an Atrox good old man... in fact.

Well Ms Dabblez, we switch Poldo on early in the morning, after a night spent reading your 865 pages instruction book. First, my wife Jenna tried to use it as a “tennis teacher”. Funny idea! Poldo threw his tennis racket instead the balls, hittin’ my wife many times. I was worried about that. But my Jenna smiled.

After that, we used Poldo as a head cook. Nice! He served a great recipe cooked with meat. Really tasty... but I’m worried because I haven’t seen our domestic leet Magnolia from day Poldo arrived. Even today I don’t know where that pretty little rodent is hidden. But my wife smiled.

Last but not least, we used Poldo as a chauffeur: he took my wife Jenna to the hair sculptor with our Yalmaha model XII. I waited for Poldo and Jenna to come back for about 12 hours. Then, I called Omni-Pol. They say that your PFFT! robot isn’t a good idea for an Atrox married with Solitus blonde girl like Jenna.
Now I think to know what Jenna had to smile about...

Well Ms Dabblez, I’m not interested in making you take your RUR Model PFFT! robot back. On my honor, I’m not even interested in getting my Jenna back. Only, Ms. Dabblez, I would like to see again my Yalmaha, and, why not, driven by my domestic leet Magnolia. Could you do something about that?
Many Regards
Jack “Sbaffini” Rumeitos, Rome Blue

[Dabblez]

Simon Says Part 3 by Dabblez

Day 10

Simon got angry with mom today because he caught with a hidden a Omni-Chocco chocolate bar in her purse. I am not sure how he spotted it so quickly; he must have some sort of sugar radar. Mom demanded dad so something about it, but father is just too tired all the time these days to do anything.

We did get the sunbed Simon wanted after all.

[Dabblez]

Tales of the Pfft! The Second Tale: Sweat by Bogosorter

Do you need to lose weight, but can't afford a personal trainer to keep you on track?

Are you unable to stick to a diet for more than a few days?

Are you tired of spending hours on complicated gym equipment only to have a staff member tell you you're sitting on it backwards?*

Do you want to live a long, healthy life?

Then we have the right plan for you!

And best of all... It's free! YES! ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

You pay NOTHING and recieve all this... and more!

FREE FOOD!
Each of our customers recieves a scientifically formulated diet absolutely free!

FREE LODGING!
While you are our guest, you will stay in one of our specially designed facilities absolutely free!

EFFECTIVE!
Our program is so effective because it's designed to function correctly.

OUR GUARANTEE!
Our "Factory System" is 100% guaranteed. If you don't lose weight with our program, we'll give you TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK!

Call PFFT-7104 for a FREE brochure today!

((*This really happened.))

* * * * *

I figured the ad was too good to be true. But why not? I had nothing to lose. Except fat, of course.

I arrived on a shuttle with nine other dieters. They were desperate, defeated. I could read their stories on their bodies, their faces. The failed diets, the torturous exercise programs, the surguries, the implants, the depressions, the loss of willpower, the binging and sloth. They'd try anything. So would I.

The brochure talked about the "Factory System" and how we'd all be staying at "The Factory." All I could see was a long concrete wall, broken only by a small loading door on the north side. It looked harsh. Harsh, but fair. Perhaps this was the system I'd been looking for.

The loading door opened and out came the man--or bot--himself. The infamous PFFT. I remembered how there used to be hundreds of them. But they stopped making them. There was some contraversy in the news, perhaps a recall. It hardly mattered. The PFFT-7104 was the last. Our last hope.

The PFFT jogged up to us. He stopped a few feet short and called out in a sythesized voice, "ARE YOU WIL-LING-ING TO CHAN-GE YOU-R YOU-R LIFE." It was a statement, not a question. I said yes. So did my fellow dieters.

"ARE YOU READ-Y TO LOSE LOSE MASS."

Yes. Yes.

"THEN FOL-LOW ME TO A NEW A NEW YOU."

We followed him into the factory. The loading door closed behind us. A bright light shone down from the ceiling and the whole room seemed to vibrate. "DO NOT BE A-LAR-MED-MED," said the PFFT. "YOU ARE BE-ING DIS-IN-DIS-IN-FEC-TED."

The inner door opened. I almost choked on the smell of stale sweat. I began having second thoughts. It didn't just look like a factory. It was a factory. Thousands of people stood side by side in rows of assembly lines as long as I could see in the poor light. Oddly, the floor was not concrete, but blue, squishy padding. The workbenches were not metal, but smooth, soft plastic. Everyone wore protective gear.

"YOU WILL BE A-SSIGN-ED TO A WOR-KER GROU-P." The PFFT called out a few names and some workers came forward and split us up into groups.

There were two kinds of workers. I dubbed them the "Sullens" and the "Crazies." The Sullens didn't say anything. Most of them didn't look up when we arrived. They concentrated on their jobs with tired shoulders and vacant eyes. The Crazies seemed to talk constantly so that the whole factory was filled with a dull murmur. They smiled alot. My group leader was one of the Crazies.

"Hi. Hi. Hi. Welcome to the Factory," she said. "You'll love it here. I love it here. Everyone does. I know you will. You're very welcome. You'll see. The PFFT makes sure of it. He's like a father to us all. We're his children. We need to be protected. Not that there are any children here, of course. No, no children. We're all children. You'll see. You stand over here. You stand over here. I'll show you. You'll see what to do. Let me show you. This is the Concrete Pouring Station. This is where we pour the concrete..."

She went on and on. I was given a station and a job--Red Dot Painter Seven. It didn't seem to be a bad job. I just had to stamp a red dot on the blocks on concrete as they went by. At least I didn't have to wear too much gear, except for basic work gloves and goggles. I felt sorry for the packers. They were dressed in what looked like antique space suits. At least six inches of padding all over.

The Crazy next to me said the new ones got the easier jobs, like painting. He said if I worked hard, I could be a loader in a week. Then I'd really see the pounds melt away. Somehow I wasn't as eager as I thought I'd be.

When the alarm sounded for dinner, I walked by the stacks of packed crates. The ones at the end of my line were labelled "Concrete Cushions." The others said things like "Quartz Rifles" and "Pillows with Important Stripes."

Dinner was a brown, revolting paste. I ate it. After all, I didn't lack experience with diets.

"What is this stuff," asked one of the newcomers. "Dog food?"

"THE NU-TRI-ENT CONT-ENT HAS BEEN A-DJUS-TED TO MAX-I-MIZE HU-MAN HEALTH PO-TENT-IAL."

"You mean it really is dog food?" asked another newcomer.

"THIS FOOD HAS BEEN SCI-EN-TIF-IC-AL-LY FOR-MU-LAT-ED MU-LA-TED. IT MEETS OR EX-CEEDS-S HU-MAN DI-ET-AR-Y NEEDS NEEDS."

That was the end of the first day. I lost track of time. I was one of the Sullens. I did my job. I lost weight. I didn't care anymore. I don't remember when I began plotting my escape.

It was a dumb plan. Or no plan, really. When the next group of workers arrived, I made a run for it. I didn't make it. The PFFT-7104 caught me.

With exaggerated care, the PFFT held me still and carried me to another room. One I'd never seen before. I was strapped down, very gently, to a hospital bed. The PFFT opened a cabinet and began preparing a syringe.

"What are you doing," I pleaded. "Why are you doing this?"

"A ROB-OT MAY NOT INJ-URE A HU-MAN BE-ING OR THROUGH IN-AC-TION A-LLOW A HU-MAN BE-ING TO COME TO HARM."

The PFFT turned towards me, syringe in hand.

"THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD GOOD. YOU WILL BE HAP-PY. OUT-SIDE YOU MAY COME TO TO HARM. I WILL PRO-TECT YOU. YOU WILL BE SAFE HERE. YOU WILL BE HAP-PY. YOU WILL LIVE A LONG AND AND HEALTH-Y-Y LIFE."

The needle plunged into my arm.

[Dabblez]

Boot Camp From Hell by Flashwing

Flashwing poured over recient security paperwork which ranged from Omni intelligence reports, to simple personal notes he wrote down. This was another typical night shift at the RUR production warehouse. While these shifts only happened a couple times a week, they often were filled with boredom. Flash usually occupied his time by responding to messages, cleaning and maintaining his equipment and taking walks around the warehouse. This, however, would be a night he would never forget.

Walking through the warehouse, Flash noticed a series of sealed containers in the center of the warehouse. He figured these were the new robots which Dabblez had told was going to come out in the fall season. Flash decided with all the time he had, it wouldn't hurt to open a box and take a look at one of them. After unsealing the container, the sides fell apart leaving only a mid-sized human looking bot. On the side read RUR: Personal Family Fitness Trainer. A fitness trainer? Perfect! Not only can I get some training in, but I can get paid for it. Flash was beaming with excitement at the prospect of having something to do on these late nights.

The PFFT started up easily with the small fusion generators providing it with the life it needed. Lights flashed and parts hissed as the device made all the necessary startup checks and adjusted for it's environment. Suddenly it sprang to life.

"Hello there"

"Hello" replied Flashwing. "What are you?"

"I am Model 00A RUR Personal Family Fitness Trainer, you may refer to me simply as Trainer. What is your name?"

"My name is Kris, and I need some training."

The device looks Flashwing up and down as if it was sizing him up for a fight.

"Yes, you certainly do" barked the machine.

Flashwing was surprised at the response but instead overlooked it as another robot with attitude. They were everywhere. "I'd like some training related to special forces or military, can you do that?"

The trainer makes various ticking and grinding noises as it attempts to process the information. "You will need to insert a programmed disk for the required training."

Flash looks around and notices a small packet next to the feet of the trainer. He pickes it up and begins flipping through the various programs avaliable. Weight lifting, weight loss, aerobics, etc, etc, etc, Boot camp. That sounded close enough. Flash takes out the boot camp program and inserts it into the PFFT's data input jack. The trainer makes various ticking noises as it downloads the program.

"Would you like to begin the training?"

"Yes" replied Flashwing.

The Trainer moves like lighting toward Flash and stops inches from his face with a very angry look. "You look like a maggot! Your butt is mine rookie! Get down and give me...25 situps! Go go go go go!

Flashwing drops and gets into the situp position and starts going. !, 2, 3, 4, 5....

"Your not going fast enough maggot! You do situps like a little girl! Get up and start running!"

Flashwing springs off the floor and begins sprinting around the warehouse with the trainer right beside him yelling all the way.

"Ok, I want to you to deactivate the program" said flash. This was starting to get out of hand and he wasn't interested in joining the military again.

"This program will end when I want it to end!" Replied the trainer.

Flashwing soon realized the obvious truth, that this trainer wasn't programmed to stop till Flash was passed out or dead.

Flash quickened his pace trying to outrun or perhaps outsmart the uncontrollable training machine. His attempts failed as the trainer was able to easily keep up with him, yelling all the way. Flash began to tire from all the running and realized that it was time to take control of this situation. Flashwing halted his sprint which seemed to upset the trainer greatly.

"Why did you stop running!? I didn't tell you to stop running maggot! Get running rookie!

Flashwing took the opportunity that the trainer was this close and reached to pull the data disk from the PFFT's data port. While his stealthy move might have worked on a normal person, the PFFT was RUR technology and able to spot the move quickly. The trainer grabbed Flash at the wrist with bone crushing strength causing Flashwing to wince slightly as the eyes of the trainer turns a glowing red.

"You just made a big mistake rookie." The trainer shifted it's weight and tossed Flashwing halfway across the bay causing him to crash into several crates filled with Robot parts. Flashwing struggled to his feet from the near superleet flight. The trainer began walking toward Flash slowly as though it had the upper hand. Flashwing gathered his strength and began to sprint toward the security office. He ran faster and faster as his instincts kicked in allowing him to push his body harder than normal. Blasting through the security office door, Flash quickly punched in his weapons access code which caused the vault from the wall to spring out allowing access to various weapons. Flash grabbed his X-3 rifle as well as his Katana and ran back out into the warehouse looking for battle.

Silence...

The trainer had vanished and the sounds of combat and struggle had been replaced by the normal silent warehouse sound which up until this point didn't seem so erie. Flash walked through the warehouse looking for signs of the trainer but couldn't find anything except the empty crate it was in. Flashwing happened to catch the advertisement about the PFFT which listed some of it's various features including nano capability which allows the PFFT to alter it's arms and change them into various tools needed for athletic training. A shimmering light caught the corner of Flash's eye as he looked up to notice the trainer using it's nano abilities. What could it possibily be doing?

The trainer finsihed it's work and homed in on Flashwing. It's left arm swung up and began to discharge various strikes of electrical energy as a loud charging whine could be heard. Suddenly the warehouse shook as a ball of plasma shot from the trainer's arm. Flashwing leapt and nearly missed being fried. The plasma charge ripped through the warehouse destorying robot parts and robots alike. Flash rose from his position and took aim. He fired shot after shot into the chest of the PFFT trying to stop it. The trainer began a superhuman sprint toward Flash, closing the gap before he could react. The trainer pushed the X-3 aside and tackled Flashwing, knocking him to the ground. The hit knocked the katana out of it's sheeth and it rattled above Flash's head.

"It's light's out rookie...I'm going to make you eat that gun!"

Flash quickly reached above his head, locating the Katana and bracing it in his hands.

"Eat this!" Flashwing yelled while jamming the katana through the face of the trainer sending sparks and circuts flying. The trainer twitched and sparked sending it into almost a shaking motion. Flashwing braced his foot on the chest of the PFFT and pushed it off of him. After getting off the ground with clothes torn and pouring sweat, Flash took a final glance at the now hunk of metal before him. Looking around, some parts of the warehouse had been damaged and parts where everywhere. It was quite a mess.

"Damnit, Dabblez is going to kill me."

[Dabblez]

The Third Tale: YO! BY Bogosorter

In This Month's Issue of Young and Omni...

p11 Does grey skin make you look thinner?
Everything you need to know about
Opifex retrogenetic therapy

p34 How to drive your man wild!
Morphing tips from Calia herself

p39 What do men really want?
YO interviews the only man
on our payroll one more time

p45 From Flab to Fab
Tips from the PFFT

p52 Are you meeting your potential?
Breed Caps: what they are
and how you can beat them

* * * * *

Celebrity Fitness Secrets
from the Physical Fitness Family Trainer

Greetings fat worthless humans.

Do you know how many calories the average Omni employee consumes in one day? Five zero zero zero. That is right. Five zero zero zero calories. Bronto Burger and Mongo Meat and other criminal enterprises are poisoning you with good tasting and low-cost and convenient products.

Even with advanced weight loss drugs and/or implants more Omnis are fat than every before. But there is one group and/or occupation that never gains weight: celebrities.

Have you ever seen a fat holovid star? A fat athlete? A fat billionaire?

How do they do it?

Before you can lose weight you must become a celebrity. You do not need mad skills. Producers benefit from hiring actors and/or musicians with no experience and/or talent. This way the actors and/or musicians are interchangable and unable to negotiate better terms.

When you become a celebrity you must immediately stop any normal hobbies and/or interests. You must have a grueling and inexplicable schedule in which all your activities are planned in seconds. Meeting this schedule will burn over five zero zero calories a day.

Severe stress can burn away over one zero zero zero calories a day. Yes one zero zero zero. Celebrities are always under severe stress therefore requiring no additional effort.

You will run away from photographers and crazed fans often enough to burn five zero zero calories a day.

Constant smiling burns over one zero zero calories a day. Always smile. Always.

For normal people sex burns less than one zero zero calories. But with the morals and opportunities of a celebrity you can burn away one zero zero zero calories a day.

Be on camera as often as possible. The camera adds two zero pounds which is perfect for exercise. Try to walk back and forth on camera with this additional weight.

Eating: necessary? How often do you see celebrities eating? If you must eat follow a celebrity diet. Here is an example from a very famous GSP dancer who wished to remain anomolous.

Breakfast
one orange slice
six cups espresso
one pack nanodeath cigarettes or sugarfree gum

Lunch
two pieces of iceberg lettuce
one Diet Tab
one pack nanodeath cigarettes or sugarfree gum

Dinner
one handful of trail mix
one margarita
one pack nanodeath cigarettes or sugarfree gum

By following these tips you will be a thin and rich human not a fat and worthless human. Have a nice day.

[Dabblez]

Simon Says Part 4 by Dabblez

Week 4
We are no longer allowed out of the house. Simon says we cannot be trusted. He checks on us all the time and sticks his robotic nose into everything we do. It's actually a bit scary. But we have a plan. Tonight dad is going to create a diversion while mom is going to help me out the bathroom window and go the Aunta Agatha's for help.