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Thread: Guards of the AO

  1. #1

    Guards of the AO

    Bogosorter and The Shover in...
    Gir--Er, Guards of the AO

    The First Real Story in Awhile

    by Douglas "AFFA MU" G--Er, Elisa "Autumnleaves" Fadri

    Extra! Extra! The Guards of Rubi-Ka!

    So there I was at reclaim, like, drinking a cup of Carioso Menthol Coffee. Talk about false advertising. The menthol flavor barely lasts 20 seconds.

    I blame the guards, man. Not about the coffee... that's, like, Omni-Ads. I blame the guards for reclaim. Not the reclaim booth, man. That's Omni-Med. I blame the guards for being at reclaim. I mean, it was me at reclaim, not the guards. I mean, I blame the guards for sending me to reclaim. Yeah, man. That's it.

    See, I got these new symbiants. They're groovy, man. I can jump, like, two feet in the air, man. And I can almost figure out how to make my own aggression trimmers. But, see, this Clan terrorist, like, ran behind me when the guards were firing at him. How was I supposed to know the symbiant had a damage shield? That's the real crime. Those symbiants should come with warning labels, man. That's the real crime.

    The thing is, the guards attacked me, man. I'm a responsible Omni-Tek citizen, man. I'm rich. I'm Solitus. I don't have long hair. There aren't any Grateful Cyborg stickers on my Kodiak... They can't treat me like that, man.

    It wasn't the first time The Shover and I had trouble with the guards. Check it out. The very first day I got to Rubi-Ka, I mistook a cleaning bot in Omni-Trade for The Shover. Hey, they look alot alike, man. Anyone could make that mistake. Any, like, pharmaceuticals I may or may not have taken had absolutely nothing to do with it. So, like, I tried to order the cleaning bot around. It got violent, man. I ran to the nearest guard, but he just stood there. Stood there and watched me die, man. That's the real crime. Some guard living off my tax credits, man. Never lifted a finger to help me. That's the real crime.

    I was going to get to the bottom of this, man. No one pushes The Shover around.

    "Come on, Shover," I said. "We're going to have a, like, conversation with those guards."

    "You're the boss, Dad."

    "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, man," I said. "Which means, like, 'who feeds quiche to the custodians?' We're going to feed these guards some really rancid quiche, man."

    "Right behind you, Dad," said The Shover. "Unless I get lost. You know how I am with directions. Or obstacles taller than three centimeters."

  2. #2

    "Hey, man," I said to the nearest Male Captain. And, like, how come Omni-Tek guards were all Captains or Lieutenants?

    "Hey, man," I said again. "I'm talking to you, man."

    I tried to, like, get the guard's attention. The guard opened a trade with me.

    Man... Was he asking for a bribe or what? I'll tell you what the real crime is, man. Some guard not even saying hello, asking for bribes... That's the real crime.

    "Before requesting assistance," said the guard in a monotone. "Please fill out an Omni-Tek Multi-Form stating the nature of your emergency."

    "Man," I said. "I have to fill out a form just to, like, ask you a question?"

    The Male Captain did not respond. Man... I started looking for a shop.

    "It's a good thing there's a Basic Shop near here, man," I said to The Shover. "Or else I would have ordered you to get medieval on that guard, man."

    "How do you get medieval, Dad?"

    "Well," I said. "You could start with, like, jousting, man. Then maybe a pilgrimage to a holy site. Like, reclaim. Or you could just, like, use a horse collar."

    "Sounds fun, Dad."

    * * * * *

    Fresh Multi-Form in hand, I approached the Male Captain. "Hey, man," I said.

    "Before requesting assistance," said the guard in a monotone. "Please fill out--"

    "Got it right here, man. Check it out."

    I was taller than the Male Captain, but somehow he managed to look down at me, man. "Have you combined it with your ID-Data?"

    "Huh?" I asked.

    "Let me see..." The guard held out his arm for the form. "No, no, no. There's no ID on it. I can't defend you without your ID can I?"

    "Hey, man," I said. "I'm rich. I'm Solitus. I have short hair. Make an exception, man."

    "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where would we be if we didn't follow procedure? Once people stop crossing the Ts and dotting the Is, we'll have ff... ffff.... ff... fff-friggin anarchy."

    "Shover?" I asked.

    "Yes, Dad?"

    "You know what to do, man."


  3. #3
    Old Athens

    So there I was at reclaim, like, drinking some sugarfree rum, man. A few drinks during working hours never hurt anybody. I'll tell you what the real crime is. Captains with no sense of humor, man. The Shover was just joking around, man. The Shover wouldn't hurt a garbage flea. Anyone could see that, man.

    I got to thinking about the guards, though. Like, how did the other half live? The Clans, man, not the ladies. Like, were Clan guards any better? I bet I could get into Clan territory. I knew just who to call. I got the grid number of this Omni-Pol Agent at Reets, man. Yeah. She wants me, man.

    * * * * *

    So, like, after a promise to never call her again, she got me a fake Clan ID. Awesome, man. I headed straight for Old Athens. I wanted to see the place before, like, someone renovated it. Unfortunately, I had to leave The Shover behind. He was too con****uous, man.

    It didn't take long to find a Vanguard Watcher. You want to know the real crime? Making a nice looking girl wear a uniform like that. That's the real crime.

    "So," I said. "You're like a... Van. Guard... Guard."

    "Yes," said the Watcher. "Hello there, potential customer. Can I tell you about our fine products and/or services?"

    "Er. Right, man," I said. "What kind of, like, products do you have?"

    The Vanguard Watcher's face lit up with a surgically enhanced smile. "I run my own business in my spare time! Perhaps I could interest you in some Clan Patriot Red Paint for your yalm?!"

    "Man... I don't, like, actually have a yalm, so it's like--"

    "Or," the Watcher interrupted, "you might be interested in a jar of leet oil."

    "Leet... oil?"

    "Yes, it's the latest thing," said the Watcher. "It cures Noob's Disease, it lets you use a Caterwaul, and it prevents embarrassing mistells! It's an all-purpose stat buff, it's an eighty hour CI, it's a damage add... It makes hunting on the Brink fun and exciting again!"

    "Wow, man. It does all that?"

    "All that and more," said the Watcher. "It's also a moisturizing and revitalizing cream just perfect for your dry complexion!"

    "So, like, how much, man?"

    "One gram (nearly a one day supply!) can be yours for the low, low price of ten million credits!"

    "Man... I don't have ten million credits," I said. Maybe I should have kept my cushy job with Omni-Eco. I mean, I liked working for R.U.R., but, like, the cutting edge is more of a long-term investment.

    "Oh." The Vanguard Watcher looked disappointed, but brightened with a new thought. "Well, how about a leet doll? They're a real hit with the ladies. And you get an extra low price because I sew them myself while I'm on dut--in my spare time!"

    "Leet dolls? That's cool, man. But, like, I already have one."

    "Well, are you sure you don't need a spare? Perhaps an extra leet doll for the office? I have tons more in my apartment. Boxes and boxes of them. You see, I get a hundred Vanguard points every time I buy a box, so--"

    "Don't you sell any, man?"

    "Oh, um," the Watcher seemed uncertain for moment, but recovered. "Sure! I mean, of course I sell them. Hundreds. Thousands. A day. Really. That's why I have to keep so many in stock. It's a hot product."

    The Watcher was, like, watching me. After an uncomfortable moment she continued. "You know, there's one product I know you'll be interested in."


    "The secret of my success," whispered the Watcher. "Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. Let me tell you how I got started in VanGuard Enterprises..."

    "Man..." I shook my head.

    "I know what you're thinking," said the Watcher, desperately. "It's not a scam! Not a pyramid scheme! It's an Opportunity for Resourceful Individuals to Make Credits in their Spare Time! If you sign up now, you get a free starter kit and VGE pin!"

    Man, I had to get out of here. "Hey, like, I gotta go, man. Nice, um, talking to you, man."

    "Wait! Come back! I only need another 273 million points for the Pink Stiletto!"

    What a bum trip, man.
    Last edited by Autumnleaves; Jul 1st, 2004 at 04:09:02.

  4. #4

    So, like, I took the Whom-Pa to Tir. I'll tell you what the real crime is. The Sentinels. That's the real crime, man. I barely took three steps into Tir before bumping into an Urban Defense Patroller.

    The Patroller leaned down, put his mouth right next to my ear, and said, "Are ya ready for some BLITZBALL?!"

    "Grgnl wassa frazzit," I said, trying to, like, regain my senses. "What are you doing, man?"

    "Gettin' ready for some BLITZBALL!!!"

    "Yeah, but... I mean... I like Blitzball, but--"


    Another Urban Defense Patroller ran up and said, "Neutral Trader coming through the Whom-Pas in ten seconds!"

    "HUDDLE!" shouted the first Patroller.

    A dozen Urban Defense Patrollers arrived from all directions and crowded together in a circle.

    Someone in the huddle said, "28! 42! HUT-HUT-HUT!"

    The group broke up and the Patrollers began getting into position. "Here he comes!" screamed one. "Stick to the game plan!" yelled another.

    It was a real bad trip, man. The unfortunate Trader stepped into Tir. One of the Patrollers, like, jumped out from behind a garbage bin (the Clans throw their garbage away, too? who knew?) and pulled the trigger. The Trader fell.

    "He shoots," said another Patroller. "And scores!"

    Like, I don't know how to describe what happened next, man. Some, like, primitive victory dance. The Urban Defense Patroller stood over the corpse and did, like, terrible things, man. Terrible things.

    /s "Woop! Woop! Woop!"

  5. #5

    I snuck out of Tir while the guards were still, like, occupied. I didn't want to see the new Newland guards, man. Not after they turned down the Guardmaster, man. You want to know the real crime? Making the best damn guardbot Rubi-Ka has ever seen, man. And getting turned down. That's the real crime.

    So I went to Borealis. Man, it took me forever to find any guards. When I found them, they were, like, picking up trash with those little pointy sticks, man. I walked up to the one that seemed to be, like, in charge. "Can I ask you a question, man?"

    "Oh, sure," said the Senior ICC Representative. "We're very open and understanding here. Feel free."

    Right, man. Open. "So, like, why are you picking up trash, man? Shouldn't you be, like, guarding the city?"

    "We're not picking up trash," said the guard. "It's the Daily Eco-Challenge!"

    "Eco-Challenge? Let me tell you about a real Eco-Challenge, man. I used to work for Omni-Eco, and--"

    "Super! I just love meeting people who really care, you know, about the planet. You'll have to excuse me a moment. I need to lead the Winner's Circle. Feel free to hang out or whatever. Just do your thing." He turned back to the rest of the guards and yelled, "Great job! Super! See how much happier the city looks? Now come on everybody. Let's all sit in the Winner's Circle!"

    Winner's Circle, man? I decided to, like, hang out and watch. All but one of the guards took a seat in a circle near the town entrance. "Come on, Bob," said Senior. "Come into the Winner's Circle."

    "This is so dumb," Bob said.

    "I'm picking up alot of negative energy from you, Bob. I'm not sure you have the right attitude to be a guard."

    "You can't make me. You said yesterday that we're all equals."

    "We're all equals here, but I am the Senior ICC Representative. Take a seat, Bob."

    Bob sat down outside the circle, crossed his arms, and glowered. The Senior ICC Representative frowned at him. "Thank you, Bob. Okay, moving right along. How about a team cheer to start things off? Can you give me a B?"

    A few guards in the group mumbled.

    "We can do better than that! I want the folks all they way up at the grid entrance to hear how much spirit we have! Gimme a B!"


    "Gimme an O!"


    O is for outta here, man.

  6. #6
    Port Five

    Man, were all the guards this bad? Where would I go if I was a guard? Like, a smart guard? Shadowlands, man. Of course! I headed for Elysium. Surely the guards there would be, like, the cream of the crop, man. You want to know the real crime? The great brain robbery, man. Rubi-Ka's best and brightest, man, all going to Jobe. That's the real crime.

    The first guard I met was near the end of this, like, really long bridge. He sounded promising at first. "Hey, man," I said. "You're, like, a guard, right?"

    "Why, yes," he said. "I'm a well-trained guarding professional. I got a 2.0 in Advanced Guarding at Omni-U... Hey, is that an ingot? It is!"

    The guard walked to the edge of the bridge and got on his knees. "I bet I can reach it from here," he said, stretching his arm towards the nearby cliff. "Heh. Heh. This bridge can be kind of slippery," he said nervously. "Just a little more..."

    He fell.

    I looked down. Way down. There was no sign of him, just a blue, swirling fog.

    "Shame, isn't it," said a voice. I looked up to see, like, another guard. This one looked a bit older. "I lose more recruits that way..."

    "You're, like, in charge here, man?"

    He shrugged. "I guess. I've survived the longest, so I try to help out the new recruits. It's a dangerous post, you know. Between the bridge and the trains."

    "Trains, man?" I asked. "Like big metal cylinders on wheels?"

    "Nah," he said. "Our trains are made of Hecklers."

    A younger guard joined us on the bridge. "What's a Heckler?"

    "Giant rocks," said the older guard. "Nasty creatures. Nearly immune to almost every kind of damage..."

    "Don't be silly," the new guard said. "Rocks don't attack people."

    The older guard was about to reply when there was a rumbling noise in the distance. The older guard looked up and screamed, "TRAIN!"

    The bridge began shaking violently. The younger guard lost his balance and fell off the edge. "Damn," said the older guard. "There goes another one."

    A nanomage ran past us very, very fast towards the portal at the end of the bridge. "This is it, people!" said the older guard. "Form up and let's take 'em down!"

    A couple of other guards ran up onto the bridge. Most of them got into a kind of line across the bridge, but one of them looked down. "The light," he said. "My God, the beautiful light!"

    "Jones," screamed the older guard. "Don't do it! Jones!"

    Jones fell slowly forward and disappeared in the swirling blue fog.

    Then the rocks arrived.

    So there I was at reclaim, drinking a Joka-Pola. Man, do you want know the real crime? Guard quality, man. That's the real crime. They should have given the Guardmaster a chance, man. I mean, could a robot be any worse?

  7. #7
    Hehe.. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Borealis guards in quite the same light again. And that's a crime!
    Dabblez - Rubi-Ka Universal Robots (RUR)
    We put the Art into Artificial Intelligence!

  8. #8
    OOC: OMG! laughing so hard here!

  9. #9
    (( very funny ))

    We at Omni-Tek have rules for a reason. Just because you do not want to take the time to fill out a few lines of paper does not mean you should attack the guards of the great Omni-Tek cities.

    (( you attacked the omni guards right? ))

    I do agree they should update their system, perhaps use e-paper instead.

  10. #10
    ((Hilarious ))
    Bliqz: "anything Uwen says is a vicious and ugly lie"

  11. #11
    (( awesome ))
    AO-Universe - The Leet Place To Be

  12. #12

  13. #13
    ((That said just about everything I wanted to say... Guards needs to be trained on all sides...))
    "I wont let my precious comrades die..."
    207|11 Equimon Solitus Soldier
    150|0 Wildcardz Atrox Enforcer
    092|0 Bloodnerve Solitus Doctor
    075|0 Layered Opifex Meta-Physist
    030|0 Gunpriest Solitus Ranged Keeper Gunpriest Chronicles <- Currently Under Construction

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