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Thread: Bogosorter's Lucky Day

  1. #1

    Bogosorter's Lucky Day

    Bogosorter and The Shover in...
    Bogosorter's Lucky Day
    by Elisa "Autumnleaves" Fadri

    Part Zero: OOC

    Oh, the irony.

    Bogosorter is a loser. Literally. He loses alot. Competitions... Tools... Jobs... Matching socks... Women... It's one of the core concepts of the character. The other core concept is a variety of comical drug habits, but it all fits: winners don't do drugs and attract mode never lies.**

    I named him Bogosorter for a reason.

    Ted Sturgeon said it well with a 2D characterization in To Marry Medusa, "It would have been success of a sort, and it was too late in life for Gurlick, unassisted, to start anything as new and different as success."

    But then things got wierd... the rules changed...

    This story isn't that funny because the events really happened. More or less. But they happened a few months ago, and my memories aren't what they used to be.

    I would like to dedicate this story to:
    Dabblez for running one of the few good orgs,
    Gridbot for being so reasonable, and
    Ziana for such a cool tour.

    **If you get both jokes, lick your monitor here: _____
    You may be one of the lucky five!

  2. #2
    Part One: Happy Birthday to R.U.R!

    "What was the name Rubi-Ka Universal Robots based on?" The first question was soooo easy, man.

    "What was Rossum's Universal Robots?" I typed out the answer quickly and gridmailed it to Dabblez. I was worried, man. I couldn't remember if "Rossum" had, like, one S or two.

    I was at The Cup. What was I, a former employee of Omni-Eco, doing at this wretched hive of clanners and villainy? It was my new employer's birthday, man. A whole year of Rubi-Ka Universal Robots. It was a time to give thanks for continued employment in this rollerat market. It was a time to give thanks for R.U.R.'s successes. And, to be, like, totally honest, it was a time to give thanks for some of R.U.R.'s failures.

    It was a time to party.

    What a day, man. 'Bots singing. Shadehawk singing. Crattyjack singing. And now the trivia contest.

    "Bogosorter got the first one," said Dabblez. I did? Cool, man. I never win anything. "Next question: When Timmy told his robot 'go to hell' the robot took up a life of crime to fulfill this order. What was the name of the robot?"

    Hm. The questions were getting tougher. I quickly typed, "What is the Missisippi River?" Hey, it could be the right answer. I could still win this thing, man.

    There was a long silence. Coco over in the corner said something about coffee. Finally Dabblez said, "Okay, no one got it. It was Barf-Face the Bot."

    Oh, man. What a name for a 'bot, man. I made a note of it for the next time The Shover got all snarky on me. At least no one else got it right.

    "Okay. Next question: What model of 'bot escaped from Mr. Hubble wearing his wife's lingerie?"

    Cool, man. Another easy one. I quickly typed, "Who was 'The Milly'?"

    "Several people got the right answer," Dabblez said, "but Bogosorter was first."

    Me? Cool, man. That's cool. Someone muttered something about no one being able to type that fast. "Hey, man," I said, "When I worked at Tru-Space Entertainment, my job title was 'Fastest Typist.' No joking, man."

    "Okay, next question," said Dabblez, "What kind of 'bot was Ognom working on?"

    Man... I didn't know Ognom that well. I mean, like, apart from my bogus stand-up comedy routine. I tried to think back over all the 'bots I had seen at R.U.R. Labs. Wasn't there, like, a vacuum cleaner? I typed, "What was the vacuum cleaner bot?"

    "Malaprops got this one," Dabblez said. "He was working on a beer 'bot."

    Man, I should have known his 'bot wouldn't be in the lab anymore. "You're going down, Bogo!" Malaprops said with conviction.

    "Okay, next question," Dabblez said, "Which Atrox is the lead programmer for R.U.R.?"

    I only knew, like, two Atrox in R.U.R. and programming didn't seem to be Ognom's specialty, man. "Who is Noholdsbarre?"

    "Bogosorter gets another one. And now the next question..."

    The questions began to blur together. There was something about Crattyjack being injected with mutant DNA and one about the ST-49 Guardmaster.

    "And the last question: What was the name of the science conference R.U.R. held recently? For a bonus point, what was Bogosorter's topic?"

    The last question? Oh, man. It was all happening too fast. The past was a blur... But what an easy question for me, man. I quickly typed, "What was The Asimov Science Symposium? And, like, The Effects of Leetus Uberus on Homo Solitus Females Or: Chicks Dig Leets."

    At least I got the last one. It would be, like, embarrassing to miss a question about myself, man. I popped my fingers and wandered over to Coco. I wanted to see what passed for, like, coffee among the clans.

    I took a sip of the "coffee" just as Dabblez was announcing the results. "And the winner is... Bogosorter!" I spewed the coffee, man. I wasn't sure if was the, like, surprise or the taste.

    What?! I won?! This can't be happening, man. I felt faint. I never won anything, man.

    Dreamily, I walked over the Dabblez who was holding two used pistols and a credit chit. "Here's your reward," she said. "Two Second-hand Old English Pistols and five million credits."

    Wow, man. I couldn't believe it. Thanks to a get rich quick pamphlet by some toe-crazed priest, I already had a few dozen sets of O.E.s, but... Five million credits! I could finally upgrade The Shover! It was enough to keep me rolling in 'bots, implants, and NCU for... for... days, man!

    "You have way too much time on your hands," Dabblez said as she handed me the pistols.

    After that, the party broke up.
    Last edited by Autumnleaves; Mar 21st, 2004 at 19:02:01.

  3. #3
    Part Two: GSP

    The R.U.R. party left The Cup and headed to Reets. It sounded like a cool scene, but I stuck around. Partly because I got a thrill out of being in clan territory, but mainly because I couldn't hack the Grid Terminal.

    The Shover had been unusually quiet all through the contest. But, like, he quickly made up for lost time.

    "Hey, Dad... Can you check my radar dome? I have a six micron blind spot at 234.716 degrees."

    "Sure, man. As soon as we get back to the lab, I'll--"

    "Hey, Dad... Can you get Crattyjack to introduce me to the Robot in Red?"

    "I don't know, man. I think it was like, metaphorical."

    "Hey, Dad... Can you get me a new left wrist servo? I think I sprained it collecting leets."

    "That's twice this week, man. Are you--"

    "Hey, Dad... What's a metaphorical?"

    "Well, it's like--"

    "Hey, Dad... Can we go to Reets now? I think some of the other 'bots at the party were checking me out."

    "Man, how come you get all--"

    "Hey, Dad.... I've been thinking. I bet I could make a better crime boss than Barf-Face. What do you think?"

    "I don't think that's a good idea, ma--"

    "Hey, Dad... Do you know where The Milly is now? I've been wondering where she is... What's she's thinking... If she's thinking of me... And if she might return someday."


    "Hey, Dad... couldyouhhadashgthafdsgssssssssssssssss--so if you haven't already, send a message to gridbot with the letters GSP and we'll enter you in the contest."

    "Man... Why can't you, like, go on a killing spree like all the other 'bots? Why're you always picking up Gridstream, man?" But I couldn't stay mad at The Shover. And hey, man, another contest. Maybe it was my lucky day. I sent the message.

    How I could get a cushy job with GSP? Just playing some groovy tunes and maintaining a simple PR 'bot. I was, like, constantly upgrading The Shover. Pushing around the wildlife puts alot of wear and tear on a 'bot, man. Not to mention the engineer.

    "We've had more people enter this contest than any other in GPS history..."

    Great, man. Just lower my chances ever further... Might as well fix The Shover now. As I got out my screwdriver and began opening The Shover's back panel, I heard my name.

    "...that's right, the winner is, uh, 'Bogo. Sorter.' Someone will be contacting you soon to claim your prize."


    Twice in one day, man?!!!

    And, like, what did I win?

  4. #4
    Part Three: Tell Hell

    Player45 says, "Congratulations!"
    Scalper79 says, "400m credits if you choose the apartment and give me the key."
    Player982345 says, "You are so lucky."
    Player7424 says, "Conga Rats!"
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    Player18632 says, "Grats!"
    Dabblez says, "Wow. Two in one day, Bogo?"
    Player90653 says, "Grats!"
    Scalper79 says, "600m!"
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    Ariekel says, "Cool. Let me know which prize you get."
    Scalper79 says, "900m for an apartment key! Please?"
    Airframe says, "Congratulations. Let me know which prize you wanted."
    Player796 says, "What prize are you getting? I soooo wanted a luxury apartment."
    Player8972364 says, "Grats, man."
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!

    What was that? Someone with a green name said something to me. Rewind, man, rewind! Damn. My NCU had already filled with messages. I couldn't make out anything with all this chatter. And what did I win? Something about a luxury apartment? Man... I already had one of those.

    Fortunately, The Shover was still picking up Gridstream. "Again, the winner was Bogosorter. Send a message to Airframe and tell him which prize you wanted. You can get a luxury apartment, a custom yalm paint job, a tour of the Shadowlands, or a full character makeover."

    Wow, man. Choices, choices. I already had an apartment. I didn't know how to fly a yalm. And, hey, man, I was currently, like, the best-looking Omni Engineer in West Athens. Okay, man, so I was the only Omni Engineer in West Athens. But no amount of nanotech could improve on what nature gave me, man.

    I told Airframe I wanted the, like, Shadowlands tour. Even with 5m credits, The Shover and I weren't going there anytime soon. I hoped he, like, got the message. I couldn't hear myself think, man.

    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    ARK Airframe appears before you and says, "Okay, you need to send an email to--"
    Dabblez says, "Okay, I'm warping you into Reets now."
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!

    What? No! Don't warp me now! The ARK just got here, and I haven't--"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!"

    "Oh, hey, man," I said to Dabblez as I appeared in Stret West. "That warp was almost, like, painless, man."

    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!

    I quickly sent another message to Airframe apologizing for my sudden disappearance. "That's fine," said Airframe as he suddenly appeared again. "You need to send an email to Ziana. Her address is..."

    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!
    You have mail!

    ((I am not exaggerating. I got hundreds of tells, many of them offering $$$ for apartment keys or people trying to tell me that they deserved the makeover more than me. I was amused.))

  5. #5
    Part Four: On Tour With Ziana

    So here I was, man. Two tickets for an all-expenses paid tour of Jobe, and none of those hot Entertainment chicks wanted to come along. I couldn't believe they were all busy... Eventually, I just gave the other ticket to The Shover. Hey, it didn't say it was restricted to mammals or anything, man.

    I hadn't been to Jobe since that embarrassing leet incident. The tour manager gave me a special Jobe suit that would protect me from the wildlife, man. Curiously, the suit, like, added some new channels to my com unit... I just hoped the Shover would be okay, man.

    The Shover was chaffing at the bit, man. "Are we there yet?"

    "Man, we're like twenty minutes early," I said. "Ziana's our tour guide. She said she'd meet us here at the Jobe platform."

    "So... Are we there yet?"

    I sighed. "Man, this is gonna to be a long wait."

    * * * * *

    "Hey, I'm Ziana, your tour guide."

    There she was. I was so excited. I'd finally see these Shadowlands everyone was talking about. I didn't ever get the chance to come out here, man. I was always busy with R.U.R. projects and, like, relaxing afterwards.

    "Hey, man," I said. "I'm Bogosorter. And this is The Shover. Say hello, Shover."

    "Hellllooooo, Nur--"

    I cleared my throat. Loudly. "Right, man. So, like, where do we start?"

    "Well," said Ziana, "how much of Shadowlands have you seen?"

    "I've been to Jobe a few times, man. For, like, research, you know. That's about it."

    "Okay, we'll start in Nascence then."

    This tour guide had some, like, super high tech gadgetry, man. She warped us to a couple of spots almost instantly and started telling me some, like, basic history.

    First, like, Jobe was founded by some rogue Omni-Tek scientists. They didn't go clan, but they left Omni and tried to maintain some, like, neutrality. They made the portal to Jobe, man. No one's real clear on how they did it. Man, what I'd give to be part of something like that. I heard they had some kind of, like, outside help. Maybe a friend of the Old Man. But I shouldn't, like, be talking about that, man.

    Notum is, like, plentiful in the Shadowlands. I remembered some statement from the NLF, man. Something about the Shadowlands being the source of Notum, but they were, like, crackpots and terrorists, man. So they couldn't be right. Anyway, you can see veins of notum on the ground and stretching into the sky in places. It's a groovy, scene, man. If you haven't made the trip yourself, I'd highly recommend it, man.

    The Jobe scientists have been, like, investigating the Shadowlands. They found that they were inhabited by a race called the Xan. Funny name, man. Allegedly, there was this, like, war over how to use notum and the Shadowlands were ripped from our universe, leaving Rubi-Ka, like, barren. I asked whether the debate was over how to use it or whether to use it. And, like, who won the debate, or if the debate was still going on. Ziana didn't know. Maybe no one knows, man.

    Eventually we moved on to Elysium. At one point we were near this rockin temple. I mentioned that a friend of mine had this theory, man. He thought the buildings in Home were influenced by Unredeemed architecture. I could see some similarities, man. I asked Ziana whether the architectural similarities were, like, a coincidence. She said it was possible that Home was built by the Xan or perhaps some, like, descendants of them.

    Scheol is a real bum trip, man. We didn't stick around.

    Adonis is a groovy place. It's like being paralyzed. Underwater. In the future. With lasersharks. On fire. But all I was allowed to see were some fish and part of an old city. Ziana said the city was maybe some kind of capital for the Xan. But there was this disaster, man, and the center of the city is just a void now.

    In Penumbra we went to one of the Redeemed temples. Beautiful place, man, but I'd heard the Omni-Tek propaganda. You know, not to trust the surface and all that, man. Ziana said that there was a secret in each of the temples. Some kind of, like, secret message or area. I asked if she was talking about the spirit dungeons, which I'd heard of, or maybe the, like, ancient script on the outside which was, like, partially deciphered. Ziana said she couldn't say.

    Allegedly, Penumbra is, like, where you really start learning what happened to the Shadowlands. There's some kind of contest, man. Something about some frozen machines, man. The Redeemed have to like keep them frozen while the Unredeemed try to thaw them out and turn the machines on again. I didn't like the, like, reputation of the Unredeemed, man. But a little tinkering with nature never hurt anyone. From the sound of things, I'd be joining the Unredeemed, man.

    Inferno is, like, the worst trip you could ever be on. It's like a barren plain with ten meter tall monsters everywhere, man. Even the holos about the old Farmatek disaster weren't as bad as this place, man. I think even The Shover was a bit intimidated by some of the, like, wildlife.

    Pandemonium... Man, what can I say? It hit me like a snort of White Trash. There this sense of power, man. Like the fabric of the universe was being torn apart. There were rocks flying around, like, orbiting, almost. I heard Lord Galahad ended up here somehow. I wondered how he managed that, man. Connections at Jobe? Some friends in high places?

    "Ooooo. Look at the pretty lights, Dad," said The Shover. There was a column of brilliant light. It hurt to look at it, man. I asked if that was the Source.

    "Yes, that's the Source," Ziana said. "I can't take you very far into Pandemonium as there's still alot to discover, but there's one more spot on the tour."

    Another spot? I hadn't heard there was anything past Pandemonium. Where could we be going?

    We were in a ruined temple. "This is the New Chapel," said Ziana. "It's built near the ARK headquarters. We use it for weddings and interviews."

    "Oh, wow, man," I said. "I've never been to the ARK headquarters."

    "I want to see the campfire and the special shops," said The Shover. "I want to join ARK and sit at the cool table!"

    Ziana told The Shover how to apply, but I knew she was just being polite. They don't admit, like, robots, man.

    Anyway, that was the end of the tour, man. What a day, man. What a lucky day. I wondered if my luck would last.

    Afterwards I was talking to The Shover. "Maybe this was, like, a turning point for me," I said. "I mean, if I could win a contest, what next?"

    "Well, Dad," said The Shover. "Chicks dig famous guys."

    He was right, man. We headed to Reets. Better try and put the fame to use before my five minutes was up, man.

  6. #6
    Hehe, thanks for the dedication. I do remember the day quite well :-)
    Dabblez - Rubi-Ka Universal Robots (RUR)
    We put the Art into Artificial Intelligence!

  7. #7
    ((I remember the day quite well too...I think I was the one who said "YOU BASTARD! THAT MAKEOVER WAS MINE!" ))
    Zack "Eternalforce" Craddock
    Professional soldier of fortune.
    Quote Originally Posted by dustynova
    ahhh Ao where the men are boys the women are men and the leets are very very nervous.

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