The Canary Project

[Autumnleaves]

Chapter Thirteen:
No Guts, No E.X.P.**

Message from Morning Star Central

Prime-time, I get legit
Spit some rhymes, submit
Hit transmit
Buff it
Uh

One on one
Funkin' with the rhythm of fun
One on two
Groovin' with the rhythm of boogaloo

Century two eight niner
NTs like Izgimmer
Givin' off with the rhythm that makes ya simmer
And you spin around on your crown
As you get down the nanos
Glimmer with the rhythm

Just my luck, it was live entertainment night. Some Atrox with a pink mohawk and an attitude. I figured I could take about ten minutes of it before having to get new ear implants. Or maybe I'd try one of those new symbiant things. I wasn't sure how I felt about having something that was almost... alive crawling around my ear, though.

Bogosorter was a terrible dancer. I wasn't surprised. Most guys shouldn't even try to dance. Watching is all they're good for.

I left West Athens hoping I wouldn't be seen, so I was still in my Exarch Robe. The other dancers had swimwear, shades, and surgically implanted smiles. Some of them glowed with nanobot shields. I felt so inadequate. But once I started dancing, I just didn't care.

Aw, yeah, feel the heat, feel the heat
Speakers pumpin'
Rhythm and jumpin'
Funkin'
Uh

Then the gunshot rains
In the brain
At a merc camp raid
Rock on with the crusades
Rhythm of E.X.P.
Not afraid of the fee
Never raise runspeed
With seven deadly sins
Ian wins
Blasts you back to your coffin

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.
Don't challenge me

"ISN'T THIS GREAT?! MAN, EPICINE IS THE MAN!"

"WHAT?"

"THE MAN!!"

"WHAT MAN?"

"THE PINK MOHAWK WEARING ATROX MAN! YEAH, GROOVY!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!"

"GROOVY, MAN! GROOVY SCENE!!"

"OH! I THOUGHT YOU SAID SOMETHING ELSE!"

"WHAT?"

"NEVERMIND!!"

Now already causin' more
To restore that hardcore
Rockin' glass dance floor
Now the deal
For the clan with the master plan
Is unreal
Rockin' with the deadly zeal
Take your stance
Rockin' with the Fixer prance
And the trance
Of Medusa glance

Now two Atrox doing the break
And the body shake
Of electric boogie
They were hip with the rhythm
Hot with the women
Like that girl in the golden Tier
Now the wooden skin, now the steel
A forbidden banana peel

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.
Don't challenge me

"OMG! GET A ROOM!"

Bogosorter looked over to where I was no longer looking. "THAT BOTHER YOU, MAN?"

"YES!"

"WHAT?"

"DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU?!"

"WHAT, MAN?"

"WELL HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT... PEOPLE DOING THAT... IN PUBLIC?!"

"JEALOUS!"

"WHAT?"

"JEALOUS!!"

"JELLO?"

"WHAT?"

"JELLO!!!"

"NO THANKS, MAN!"

I'm leet, ya'll, uberleet, ya'll
The leet of leet of leet leets, ya'll
Pronounce me great, and then I'll say
We're gonna rock today
The pink mo--the pink mohawk way
I'm invadin' the planet
Creatin' a panic
When I'm tankin' the total Zodiac list
I got the fists
When I want a trist
With the Kw--Kw--Queen Mantis

Now the deal
For the clan with the master plan
Is a deal to burst another pokemon man
Like popcorn
Rockin' on
To the beat 'n to the break you're starborn
Now cruisin' down to Reets
Rockin' on your feet
With a leet
Now campin' a boss for the highs
For gear that makes no compromise
Now take those towers with your skills
Rockin' on in your Manta wheels
Now chill with a pick-up team
Rockin' on with a sci-fi theme
Lookin' out there for those adds
Phreak the grid if things go bad

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.
Don't challenge me

"HEY, I KNOW THIS GREAT JOKE, MAN!"

Why did he keep trying to talk? Couldn't he see I was dancing?

"WHY DID THE CRASHED ANDROID HAUNT THE MISSION?"

"WHAT?!"

"WHY DID THE CRASHED ANDROID, LIKE, HAUNT THE MISSION?"

"I DON'T KNOW! WHY?"

"WHAT?"

"WHY?!!"

"HE COULDN'T RUST IN PEACE, MAN! BWA HA HA HA!"

"WHAT?"

"HE COULDN'T RUST IN PEACE! HA HA! GET IT? RUST IN PEACE, MAN! HA HA!"

I couldn't take much more of this. The song had better be over soon.

E. P. I. C. I. N. E.
Rock rock rocks the funky beat beat
Ain't got no glitch, my rhyme's too rich
Hoo-haw! Bagels in the fridge, bitch

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.
Don't challenge me

No Guts, No E.X.P.
No Guts, No E.X.P.
Don't challenge me

Morning Star Central
Redeemed
Unredeemed
Punks with schemes
Fools full of self-prophesy
You're nobody
Get on your knees in front of me
No Guts...
No E.X.P.




((**The song "No Guts, No E.X.P." parodied without permission from "No Guts, No Galaxy" by Material on the album Intonarumori. Which is the only rap album I have due to a Christmas gift misunderstanding. I don't listen to rap. Ever. Except for Epicine. And Deacon. And Cosmik. But generally I don't listen to rap. So I'm not that good at writing it. Would you believe that I heard "Without Epicine" before the original? By that guy? Who was in that movie? That I haven't seen?))

[Autumnleaves]

Chapter Fourteen:
Same Planet, Different Worlds

"Hey, that was cool, man," Bogosorter said as the song was fading out. "Real, cool. You're a great dancer, man. You should be in Entertainment."

"Um, thanks. I guess." Now they were playing a fragment of that Old Earth "Fringe Shark" song. I wondered what a fringe-shark was--maybe some kind of brink monster--and why the rest of the song hadn't survived to the present day.

"Hey, man. I still got to tell you about this, like, problem. Let's get a booth downstairs where it's not so noisy, man."

"Okay." But I swear, if he stares up at the dance floor, I'm leaving.

"You know any good jokes?" he asked as we were walking down the ramp.

"No," I lied. "Well, I know a few, but they're mostly jokes my Sensei told me. I don't think you'd like them."

"Come on, man. Don't be shy."

"I'm not shy! I'm just--" Deep breath. Ten, nine, eight, seven. "Okay, here's one. Aikido is the art of defending yourself without hurting your opponent... unless he doesn't know how to ukemi in which case his wrist is broken in three places!" I chuckled.

"I don't get it," he said. "Oh! I got one. Where can you find a 'bot with no legs?"

"The junkyard?" I asked.

"Ha ha! The junkyard! That's great! But like, the punch line goes like: wherever you left it!" Bogosorter doubled over with laughter and had to lean against the wall. "Oh, that one always cracks me up, man!"

"Have you been drinking?" I asked.

This made him laugh even harder. "Drinking! That's a good one, man! You got any more jokes?"

"Well, okay... Deja-Fu is the feeling that you've been hit in the head exactly the same way before."

"I don't get that one either... How about this, man. What are the three ways you can tell if, like, your dog has been replaced with a mechdog?"

This was going to be bad, I just knew it. "Okay, fine. What are the three ways?"

"You say, 'Fetch!' and he says, 'I'm afraid I can't do that Dave.' Ha ha ha! <snort> Bwa ha ha ha ha!" Bogosorter had to stop and hold on to the wall again. He wiped a tear from his face and said, "Okay, the second way is, like, you say 'Fetch!' and he says, ha ha ha! He says, get this, 'Division by Zero Error in Projectile Tracking Module. Core Dump. Exe'--Ha ha ha! <cough> <cough> Ha ha ha ha!--'Execution Aborted!' Isn't that great, man?"

At this rate we weren't ever going to get to our seats. "Come on, let's just find a booth."

"Just one more! Just one more! And this is the best, man. You say, 'Fetch!' and he says, 'You're weak! I will not obey you!' Ha ha ha! Get it? Won't obey you! Bwa ha ha!"

Man, engineers were weird, man. Wait. Did I just say "man?!" No, I just thought it. Twice. I mean, three times. Damn.

"Oh, man. Let me catch my breath, man," said Bogosorter. "It's like, you're turn for a joke, man."

"Well, okay... 'Dojo' means 'training hall.' It's alot like a BDSM parlor, but without the mistress."

"What's BDSM, man? Some kind of, like, ice cream?"

"Um... Nevermind!" I was not, repeat: NOT going to explain that to him. "Look, didn't you want to talk about something important?"

[Autumnleaves]

Chapter Fifteen:
Heavy Karma

"Man... It's like this... It's like... It seems like everyone I meet has some heavy karma, man."

I wasn't following this at all. I was beginning to suspect that Bogosorter's big problem was just an excuse to get me to come to Reets with him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, like you're an orphan, man. You were in some kind of trouble with SOL or Omni-Tek. You went to a bad school... But it's not just you, it's, like, everyone. See that girl? She was beaten and raped in an O.T. mining camp. And that guy over there? Insurance terminal accident, man. And that one--he says he was, like, the result of some horrible O.T. experiment."

"Oh?" Where was this going?

"But, like, what I'm trying to say, man, is that I'm just, like, an ordinary guy. I mean my parents are both still alive, man. They have good jobs with Omni-Tek. I went to a regular school, had a few, like, ordinary jobs. Boring, man. I feel like the only chiffchaff reet in a whole flock of paradises, man."

"I think you've got that backwards," I said. "But what does this have to do with your problem?"

"Sorry, man. It's just... I mean, I think I stumbled onto some heavy karma myself, man." Bogosorter looked around. "I mean, like, I sort of went looking for some bad karma. You know, because I needed some, like, excitement. Some, like, tragedy or something. I need a drink, man. You drink Leet Piss, man?"

"Sure," I said. "Sounds fine."

"Wait here, man. I'll be, like, right back. Don't, like, go anywhere. Or disappear. Or start dancing with some other guy. Or, I mean... I'll be right back, man."

Whew. Maybe I should just leave. I didn't really want to get involved... in anything. "Is that guy bothering you?" I looked up. The Shover was standing there. He was carrying two leets. "You dig leets? Leets dig me, chicks love me, and all the other 'bots want to be me. Ditch that zero and come with a hero."

I buried my face in my hands. Why me? That was it. I was getting up. I was leaving. I was out of there.

"Hey, man! Where you going?" Bogosorter said, "I got us some drinks, man."

"Dad!!!" I spun around just in time to see The Shover drop the leets.

"Man... What did I tell you about this one, Shover?" Bogosorter handed me one of the drinks and took out a trimmer. He pressed a few buttons on it. "Why don't you dance a while, Shover."

"IS THERE A RAMP IN THIS CLUB?," said the 'bot as it ran up the ramp to the dance floor, "ATTENTION EVERYONE! PLEASE GO STAND BY THE RAMP!" The Shover's radar dome glowed with a sulfurous yellow light. "VISUAL: DANCERS. DATA: GLASS DANCE FLOOR. ACTION: SHOVE."

"Is it... okay?" I asked, "Leaving him up there? Like that?"

"He'll be fine," Bogosorter said. "He'll be the life of the party, man."

"So what were you saying about some problem?"

"Okay, man." Bogosorter said, sipping his Leet Piss. "You remember how I used to work for Omni-Eco?"

"Sure, but... used to?" I asked. "What happened?"

"AAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRHHHHHHH...." Thud.

"Well, man. I was on a bum trip, like forever, man." Bogosorter stared down into his drink while rolling it back and forth between his hands. "I mean, working for Omni has some great benefits, man. But they had me doing population and weather sims like forever, man. I was like seeing bifurcation diagrams on the walls, man. I stayed up, like, all night thinking about near-intransitive equations, man. I used to just have, like, a few drinks after work, and I was alright, but, man... It got to where I couldn't look at anything liquid without thinking about, like, thermo-haline currents and Coriolis forces, man. I'd like, put my Leet Piss near a speaker and start seeing wind-wave interference patterns. It was a real bum trip, man."

"Um... So you were upset with your job?"

"Yeah, man, yeah. And then Bosserator caught me swapping his new machine with the old UT 29476 server, man."

"Bosserator?"

"Yeah, man. That was pretty much the last straw, man. But, hey, I got this great job with R.U.R. now."

"Rurrr?" I asked.

"No, man. R.U.R. Rubi-Ka Universal Robots, man."

"HEY! Watch where you're pushing that thing!"

Oh, R.U.R. It seemed appropriate. They deserved each other. "So... You like your new job?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Stupid 'bot. WHAT THE--PUT ME DOOOOOWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH....." Thud.

"It's real groovy, man. The pay's not that good, but it's, like, great work, man. Real cutting-edge stuff, man. I feel like I'm really making a difference. I'm not just making maintenance droids and those... those... well, that's the problem, man."

"So... What's the problem? I must have missed it." He was taking an incredibly long time to get to the point.

"Well... It's like... It's like when I used to work for Omni-Eco I did some, like, other work. Freelance, man. I mean, it was through Omni-Eco, but off the books, man." Bogosorter paused a moment. "Hey, man. Do you remember when I rescued you from Rome and we had to, like, go collect that Scooplet?"

He didn't rescue me! He just drove me from Rome to Athens in that stupid, beat-up government car. Then he took that 'detour' and nearly got me killed! He... Okay. Okay. Deep breath. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. "Yeah... Sort-of."

"That's why I, like, thought of you, man."

"EEK! EEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH..." Thud.

"Huh?" I wasn't following this conversation at all. The atmosphere here at Reets wasn't helping either. "You got in trouble, and then thought of me because of the fight with the Scooper?"

"Scooplet. Yeah, man. Check this out..."

I sighed. It was going to be a long night. I tried to remember all the things my Sensei kept trying to teach me about patience.

"URMPH!" Whoosh. Thud.