Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for
- Queen, The Show Must Go On -
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Sitting on the ground itself, her back against the stone altar, her forehead resting on her folded knees, the thin woman in dark clothes lets out a sigh, shivering, before slowly raising her head, looking around her with an absent gaze. The small temple has been deserted for ages now; alone in the silence and half-darkness softened by the dim lights, she had let the tears out first, for a long moment, knowing that she would never be able to go on if not getting rid of the sadness first. 'Getting rid of it'? Probably not, but it has helped in calming herself down a little. She doesn't want her voice to tremble, or sobs to disrupt her words. She wants to keep steady and calm, or as steady as she can be in such grim circumstances.
With a discrete sniffle, she raises a gloved hand to wipe her eyes, her pale cheeks still bearing the mark of long, streaking tears, and reaches for the bag at her feet, taking the audio recording device out. She dosn't want to show her sad face, her upset expression; just her voice, her voice that would be enough anyway to carry on all her feelings and the words she never had the time to say. Another slight sigh; and then, she simply turns the recorder on...
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*click*
A few seconds of silence. The sound of a long breath being drawn, then slowly released. A woman's voice raises in the muffled atmosphere, quiet and deep, a very slight burr marking it from time to time, as she seems to struggle with words that evidently pain her.
"...I... well... this recording's fer ya, Malcom..."
Another short breath, sounding as if the woman had just cried, and was desperately trying to hide it and sound calm.
"...Probably ya'll never come back here. Probably ya'll ne'er find this recording. Probably yer already dead, and I'm tha only one to still try ta fool myself. I... have no idea why I'm doing this, but I wanna keep tha hope that one day... yer gonna come back. I dunno where ta reach ya. I dunno anymore, I've tried everything I could. So... I came back to tha desert. It's always seemed to be our place, after all... tha place ya'd come back in tha end..."
The voice steadies a little, yet the underlying sadness in it seems doomed to stay, no matter the woman's efforts to contain it.
"Remember this town? It's where ya found me, so long ago... when I was lost and dyin'... ya were tha one who kept meh alive, tha one who guided meh, tha one who gave me tha strength to go on... It was at that time I unnerstood that I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings 'ny longer, neither from ya nor from myself. I was angry and desperate fer having let myself fall in this trap, cuz I knew it'd be a hell - fer meh, fer 'im, and fer ya. Fer tha three of us, yeah. But... it was worth it, fer a time at least..."
"Then ya disappeared... and it was as if a part of myself had disappeard with ya. I tried to pretend that I was well, that everything was going on as b'fore, but sometimes I felt like I din't know what I was doing anymore. That's when tha nightmare began, and it has ne'er stopped since... ne'er. When ya came back, I was so ashamed... ashamed of myself, ashamed of what had happened, and terrified. I remember it so clearly, Malcom. What ya were ready to do fer us to be together. It's been one year that ya came back from hell, and now that I've known hell too, now I unnerstand whatcha meant by this word. It can't stop. It ne'er will. I wish ya still were with meh to face it though... I wish things had gone our way, I wish fate had allowed us some more time. All is left now is crumbles from tha past, and a shadow I can't stand 'nymore."
"I remember how often ya used to go to tha desert. Here in Sabulum, and there outside when tha moons were rising at night. Tha suns... I know how they were burning, how we both hated 'em and yet sought their presence, cuz we din't wanna give up, cuz we were still hoping. I came here once, after one of yer retreats in tha desert... I came here, to find ya, and this was both tha saddest and happiest day of my life. Did ya know how important this was to my eyes... how much it meant to me? Fer a few weeks, ya allowed me to have tha dreams and hopes of a normal woman... dreams 'bout a marriage... dreams 'bout a family, dreams of being with tha man I luved more than my life... "
The voice trembles again for a few seconds, as if unable to properly express all the feelings seemingly rushing in the woman's heart. A very discrete sniffle is heard, then she slowly resumes.
"...It's hard, Malcom. There ain't a single day or night I dun't think of ya. I swear I've tried to forget ya. I've tried to throw away tha few pictures I have of us. I still have tha ring ya gave meh, when ya asked meh if I accepted t'be yer wife. I wear it all tha time. I'm unable to get rid of it as well, cuz it'd be like throwing away a part of myself... again. Hell... I've even tried to love another man, tried to persuade myself that I could have a steady relationship again... and I dun't mean with 'im. Hell. ya know what I mean. Just be a woman like tha others... but I can't, of course. I can't lie to myself, I can't lie t'him either. So I gave up... I can't stop thinking of ya. I can't free myself 'nymore."
"He hates ya fer this, y'know. He keeps on thinking that tha day ya come back, he'll teach ya not to harm me this way ever again. But it ain't yer fault. I know it, and he knows it as well. We're just feelin' so... powerless. Only wait... wait, and hope that it ain't too late. Oh please, Malcom... come back... tell meh that yer comin' back..."
"...Well... I'm leaving this recording here. Please... if ya ain't Malcom and ya were t'find it, please leave it here, whoever ya are. I wanna hope that one day he'll come back, that one day he'll find it. See, Malc... I... ain't livin' at my old place 'nymore. Too many memories there... memories of us, of the moments of happiness we shared. I have a nice appartment now. Bigger... better. Y'd luve it... I'm sure ya would... I'm sure ya..."
The woman's voice suddenly breaks in what sounds to be a muffled sob. When she finally resumes, for the last time, it sounds even more sad and desperate as before, despite evident efforts to contain her emotions.
"...I luv ya, Malcom. I wanted ya t'know. And I... I'll always do..."
A clicking sound is heard in the background. The recorded message stops at this point.
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She bites her lip, trying to swallow a new wave of sobs, desperately closing her eyes on the burning tears. Was she a fool, to think that she could forget him. She couldn't. She'll never be able to...
She looks at her gloves, suddenly deciding to remove the left one, revealing the gold and ruby engagement ring at her finger. It comes from Sabulum as well, from one of the rare desert merchants still travelling between the ruins. These were his own words, these and the ones he asked right after. Yes... she'd have been the happiest woman in the world if she had been able to marry him in the end. But now, nothing is left of that. Nothing.
Silently crying, not even caring about wiping the tears this time, the young woman takes a small box in her backpack, puts the recorded chip out of the device, and places it carefully in the box. Then, she slowly gets up, walks to the other side of the altar, and stands there for a few long minutes, caressing the little box, as if fearing to give it away. Her frail shoulders slightly tremble, following the rythm of her sobs that are the only sound heard. Finally, kneeling down, she pushes the box in a small hole under the stone.
Perhaps he'll find it one day, if he's still alive. Very likely not. She knows she's fooling herself, she knows she's placing her hopes on vain chimerae again. And yet...
"...Goodbye, Malcom", she whispers. "I just wanted to tell ya... a last time... just wanted to tell ya how much I still luv ya..."
Turning on her heels, she walks down to pick up her bag, putting the recording device back in. And she slowly heads out, toward the exit of the temple, toward the empty streets of Sabulum, toward the burning suns and the eternal desert.
((Not many people likely will know what this is about. But... I felt like I should write it, perhaps as a closure. Don't ask me why.))
- AO webcomics for the sake of being silly
