L.E.E.T.! ~ A Letter to Omni-Administration

[_____Chelle / Ylemae]

Dear Mister Bosses,

My name is Jennifer Matusz, and I goto school at the Jobie Center for Constructive Learning. I am deeply saddened to see the lack of leets in that area of living. There are none! Zero! I searched and searched and searched and nuttin! This is wrong! Leets are our friends and should be allowed to live in Jobie!

Until such time that leets are given homes in Jobie, I am starting up the Leets are for Everyone to Enjoy and Treasure Fanclub! Yes, I am starting up the L.E.E.T. Fanclub to rally support behind our fuzzy little friends so that they can live in peace and harmony in a zone free from your stupid little fights! I am sick and tired of people killing off our little friends for 'target practice' or some other lameoid excuse!

I demand that you take care of our Leet friends! NOW! Help them move into this wonderful facility of Jobie! It's so nice, calm, and peaceful here. They should be allowed to enjoy it too! Below I have the signatures of those who want to see this happen too!:

Milian Thompson
Grenda Nolivares
Teresalis Dorenga
Buzz Littletop
Nin Arayo
Pom Freyda
Serenity Quesa
Hilly d'Tear

Please do not ignore those who might want to work for you one day, or we might work against ya! Bring the leets into Jobie!

Sincerely,
Jennifer Matusz

[Dabblez]

Miss the presence of your furry, little friends up in Jobe? Why noy purchase a RUR Leetbot? The ever popular Leetbot has found its way in many households, on Rubi-Ka as well as off planet.

If I may quote from our catalog:


The Leetbot: If it walks like a leet and talks like a leet (r u nubi?) it must be... a RUR Leetbot! The Leetbot is the perfect pet for children and adults alike. It offers all the furry, wide-eyed cuteness of a real leet without the fleas, messy house training accidents and manic sex drive.

Technical Specification: 1 RD QPT processor, Fussitronics “Little beggar” simulator, 9 valve Rimsky-Korsakov redundant servo engine, Joo-prologic device. Batteries not included.

RRP: Cr. 199,999


So visit our gridsite and place an order today!

[_________Don Carnage]

Oh lord just what we need around the house, a leet bot.

[_____Chelle / Ylemae]

Awwwww! <smiles widely> Please daddy, I want one!

[Nevver]

Nevver grins evily...

If it makes noise - like, a LOT of noise - I'll buy three for you, Lemmy! Your father will love them!

[Demenzia]

*makes a note to Charissa:*

"Can ya put one aside from meh, please? I'm suuuure it's gonna be handy soon... very soon..."

*smiles and nods a thank*

[Nepenthea]

Leets are such wonderous creatures--they truly bring joy to me, even in my saddest moments. Just to be able to watch them scamper about doing their leety thing will always lift my spirits.

For that, I will always be grateful for the presence of the gentle, endearing Leet.

[Kithraks]

To whom it may concern,

Thankyou for your letter to Omni-Admin, here at Omni-Tek we care about our employees and want you to know that your opinions matter.

Jennifer Matusz, upon further research on your letter's subject I have come accross this information.

Leets have no place in Rubi-Ka's ecosystem, and colonists are encouraged to kill them on sight, althought Omni-Tek has on numerous occasions attempted to wipe out the little bugger with little to no success.
From: -Handbook for new Omni-Tek colonists-

Your letter has been tagged in our system and been stamped with the official Omni-Education Good Student award. The stamp may be good for extra credit in your class or redeemed for 15 credits' worth of goods at an Omni-Tek sponsored merchant of your choice. Enjoy a Bronto Meal, it's on us because Omni-Tek cares!

Thankyou again for your letter <your name here>, and ERROR IN LINK.

Sincearly,
Omni-Admin Guardian Droid
Unit BL-3105

[_____Chelle / Ylemae]

Lemmy jumped up and down. They responded! Someone actually listened! Her joys dropped sharply instantly, however. "To it may concern," it began. What does that mean?! I wrote my name was Jennifer Matusz didn't I? Ah yes! There's my name... but what's this information?

Leets have no place in Rubi-Ka's ecosystem, and colonists are encouraged to kill them on sight, althought Omni-Tek has on numerous occasions attempted to wipe out the little bugger with little to no success.

Lemmy froze. She re-read it again, and again, and again. She could barely control her rage. Finishing the letter, she was more upset than she had ever been. Like they could bribe me with a good student award?!! She began to write back to the Omni-Administration...

Dear Mister bosses,

Your letter is un-acceptable. Your handbook is unacceptable. Everything about it is unacceptable! You will change that handbook right now, or I will not be so nice next time!

Sincerely,
Jennifer Matusz
L.E.E.T.

She looked to the computer screen. Yes. Perfect... almost...

Lemmy's mind raced, she never did understand where this knowledge came from, concluding a long time ago she was just naturally talented with computers not realizing the truth behind her past. Encoding within the message a Virus to attack Unit BL-3105 Guardian Droids, she sent off the message with a smile.

That'll get thier attention... she thought.

[Kithraks]

Omni-Admin Guardian Droid, Unit BL-3105 stood idlely by his master's side during his seemingly never ending series of meetings with various Omni-Tek officials trying to build support for the Newland Guards Initative(NGI).

"It is in the company's best interests to lend our support and show the Neutrals that we care about them." Kithrak lectured.

One of the attendees a male director, short, fat and balding spoke up. "I do not see your proposal as being cost effective for Omni-Tek."

Kithrak pounded his fist on the table. "The funds are donations! How many times do I have to tell you that all I'm asking for is your support on this initative. This will not cost you a single credit."

The Guardian Droid opened a letter from the grid net from a little girl that wrote in earlier and then..... *SYSTEM ERROR* 01100011100011010010001110

"AIEEEEEE!" The droid screeched very loudly, causeing everyone seated at the board room table to jump in their seats.

"Leets are our friends! Leets are our friends! Leets are our friends! ...." The droid started repeating over and over as it ran back and forth around the board room waveing its mechanical hands wildly in the air.

A puzzled Kithrak looked to his droid. "What is the meaning of this?... Hey wait!"

One of the persons attending the meeting, a female secretary pulled out a pistol concealed under her dress and started to fire on the droid. She was a bad shot, they all missed wildly leaving small smokeing craters on the wall or blowing the various wall decorations apart. Her aim with the pistol followed the droid as it ran around the room, causeing the other people at the meeting to dive under the meeting table in a panic.

After the droid's fifth lap around the room it finally ran itself into the wall at full speed snapping its head off. The female secretary holstered her pistol as Kithrak ran over to the remains of Omni-Admin Guardian Droid. It was a smoldering pile of circutry and exposed wiring as sparks came off the twitching droid.

Kithrak calmly spoke into his wristcom "Security to board room 5 and detail an engineer...."

********

"So you see sir, the virus came in through a mail package from the gridnet." The engineer finished.

"Will it happen again?" Kithrak asked worriedly.

"Oh no sir, I have installed a local firewall for the droid's gridnet connection. It should be able to prevent any future viruses from the mail."

"Do you know who did it?" He crossed his arms looking quite angry.

"No sir, I don't. However, a fixer should be able to track down whoever sent that virus. There you go, the droid should be back to normal except from the dents caused by the collision with the wall. Bring him back next week when the new armored plates come in and I'll fix him right up." The engineer buffed a smuge off the droid with a rag.

Kithrak pressed a botton on his owner's remote. Servos and electronics came to life inside the droid as it booted up.

The droid looked around the room before saying. "Greetings administrator Charles Houston, how may I serve you today master?"

Kithrak's right hand clenched into a fist. "Run a list of all fixers available for hire to Omni-Tek. We got tracking to do..."

[Dabblez]

/ooc Good job guys. This has got to be the most charming interactive story I've ever read on these forum. I love it.

[______________Emeryn]

To: Omni-Tek Administration
From: Emeren, Keeper in Training; Citizen of Jobe.

Dear Sir/Madam

It has come to my attention that some people are trying to persuade Omni-Tek Administration to import a Rubi-Kan creature known as a "leet" to Jobe City.

From everything that I have read and observed regarding this creature, it is vermin and to introduce such a creature to the pristine streets of Jobe City would be disasterous.

In addition may I add that Jobe has up to this time been semi-autonomous by agreement between the scientists of Jobe and Omni-Tek administration. To arbitrarily introduce Rubi-Kan fauna into the balanced eco-system of Jobe without even consulting the Jobean scientific council could lead to serious political repercussions.

Please consult our scientists regarding the importation of Rubi-Kan fauna into Jobe before making any decision.

Thank you for your time.

[Autumnleaves]

Bogosorter and The Shover in...
Chicks Dig Leets
Part One

My boss, Joe "Bosserator" Delgado waddled into my cube at Omni-Eco and said, "You remember that report you wrote on leets, don't you, Bogosorter?"

"What repor--Oh, right, man. Like, the one that got you, uh... demoted."

"Temporarily reassigned."

"Right, man," I said.

When the glowering silence was too much to bear, I said, "I'm with you, man."

I turned back to my terminal. I answered a few grid mails. I checked up on The Shover. I filled out a OT-RK1-TR977-43-9a "Observation of Improper Waste Disposal and/or Shenanigans and/or Goings On" form. I pushed a few pieces of paper around on my desk. Bosserator hadn't moved an inch. Not that that's unusual.

"Look, man," I said. "We've been all over this before. If you hadn't been snooping in my grid mail and plagiari--"

"It was all your fault for goofing off at work! How was I supposed to know it was a parody?"

"Well, just the title, man. I mean how could you mistake The Jobe Leet Attractor: A Final Solution for a serious--"

"Well the basic idea isn't unworkable is it? Leets are attracted to subsonic frequencies, right?! And they'd all die in the cold vacuum of space as they struggled to fly to the satellite, wouldn't they?! WOULDN'T THEY!?!"

"There's no sound in space, man," I said, shaking my head. "How could the subsonic frequencies get down to Omni-Ent?"

Bosserator's eyes were bright as he smiled in smug victory. "That's why we'd also broadcast to the speakers in Omni-Ent!"

"Then the leets would just gather around the speakers and, like, eat them or something."

"Not if the broadcast was coming from Jobe!"

I reminded myself of the advantages of a gullible boss. "Leets can't fly either, man."

Bosserator leaned down and spoke in a conspiratorial, bronto-burger-breathed whisper, "Do you remember the mini-rocket packs we bought cheap from Omni-Pol after that embarrassing dimensional shift accident?"

"You mean the ones you spent, like, sixteen mil credits on?"

"Yes!"

"The ones powered by organic, high-energy rocket fuel that leets love so much?"

"Yes!"

"The ones that still weighed, like, ninety pounds each, since they still had the same mass, compressed into a tenth the size? The ones that couldn't lift more than, like, twenty meters off the ground?"

"Yes!"

This could take all evening, and it was almost closing time. I was looking forward to a relaxing evening at the Reet Retreat. Maybe tonight one of those "entertainment" girls would give me her grid number. Her real grid number.

"So what did you want to talk about, anyway, man?"

"Oh, of course. I got just the job for you. The perfect job for you, seeing as how you're such an expert on the leet menace."

"Oh, man. Oh, man. I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"Cheer up! All you have to do is go to Jobe and explain to this girl... let's see..." Bosserator checked an ePost-It Note before handing it to me. "Jennifer Mutazs. Right. Explain to her that leets are a menace to all life on Rubi-Ka and must be killed on sight. It should be a breeze."

A feeling of horror washed over me. "How old is this... Jennifer?"

"Eight or nine, maybe. Oh, and close up the office when you leave. I'm going out early. That robot of yours has been giving me some pointers with the ladies." Bosserator winked and patted his chest. "I'm going to go try them out."

"Uh, sure. Right. Good luck, man." As my boss was walking out the "door" to my cube, I asked, "So what ever happened to those high tech subsonic speakers, man?"

"Why, they're in Jobe, of course! I installed them myself!"

And in a few minutes, I'd be in Jobe. Not hearing Bosserator's badly installed subsonic audio system was not my idea of a good time.

((To be continued very soon))

[Autumnleaves]

Bogosorter and The Shover in...
Chicks Dig Leets
Part Two

I had to get to Jobe to break a little girl's heart. Ironic, I suppose, since big girls make a living doing that to me. Still, a job's a job, and Omni-Eco was a slacker paradise.

But first I had to collect my 'bot, The Shover. He'd been pushing leets out of the "public" park in Omni-1. It never took long to find The Shover. He tended to leave a trail.

"Hey, dad," he said, dropping a leet. "Where are we going tonight? Rompa? Reets? The Dancing Atrox?"

There was a bit of fur sticking out of a maintenance panel on The Shover's chest. Not unusual after a hard day spent pushing around the wildlife.

"Brush that fur off, Shover. We're heading for Jobe, man. I don't like, like it, but that's what we have to do."

"Sure, dad."

Ten minutes later, we were in Jobe, heading towards the living quarters. "Hey, Shover? Like, how come the apartments here on a satellite where space is at a premium are so much larger than the ones in Omni-1, man?"

"I can't answer that, dad. You programmed me, remember?"

There was a loud clang behind me, and I heard a familiar squeaky voice. "R U NUBI?"

I turned around and there on the ground, right in front of my eyes, was a leet. Not a leet bot, manufactured by the fine technicians of R.U.R., but a living, breathing leet. "How did you get here? I don't believe it. There's no way Bosserator's crazy scheme would ever work. I mean, I just made it up, man. I'm not crazy, man. I can't believe--"

I heard a click. I looked up just in time to see The Shover closing his front maintenance panel. A small bit of fur was still stuck to it.

"Okay, man. Count to ten. Okay. Like, right. So. Shover. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WITH A LEET IN YOUR CHEST?!"

"Chicks dig leets."

The Shover stared me straight in the eyes. I stared him straight in the radar dome. The leet looked from me to The Shover and back to me. "Is that, like, what you told my boss?"

"Rollerats."

"What, man?"

"Rollerats. I told Bosserator that my secret was Rollerats."

"Right, man. Well, I don't think I'm going to have to talk to this Jennifer Mutazs after all. Bosserator's going to be so surprised about this whole scene, he'll, like, forget all about Jennifer."

"Not as surprised as he'll be when the sedative wears off."

The Shover stared me straight in the eyes. I stared him straight in the radar dome. The leet scratched himself vigorously.

"You think the leet trick might work for me, man?"

"It's worth a try, dad."

The Shover stared me straight in the eyes. I stared him straight in the radar dome. The leet cocked his head to one side, as if listening to something, then took off towards Jobe Research.

"I didn't see anything if you didn't."

"I knew you'd come around, dad."

"Could you, like, collect a few leets for me?"

"Sure, dad. Anytime."

"Why don't you get the leets, man, and I'll meet you at Rompa's in an hour."

"It's a deal, dad. I knew you'd understand."

((Okay, not as long of a setup as I intended, but it's getting late, and I'm not typing fast enough. ))

[Tussa]

[Loving it! It's very cute. Please continue writing, all of you.]

[Nepenthea]

[I am absolutely, throughly enjoying reading this wonderful dialog. I do hope no leets will be harmed or killed in the process--as that would truly be saddening. A positive, pro-leety outcome to the culmination of these enjoyable stories would be so wonderful to read...and it does wonders for one's good Leety Karma, too!.

As a devout Leet Adorer, I can say with absolute certainty that chicks most assuredly do dig Leets. *nod nod nod*

Never... ever... underestimate the Power of Leet.

*scampers off, rambling leety propaganda*]

[_____Chelle / Ylemae]

Lemmy polished the small badge. The young boy patted her on the shoulder, she looked up to see him. "How's it going Jen?"

Jennifer 'Lemmy' Matusz smiled widely, showing off the badge. It had a small leet picture on it hand-drawn by Jen, with the letters: L.E.E.T. showing in the front. "How's it look?"

Milian Thompson smiled. "It's perfect Jen." and he kissed her on the cheek. Jen blushed. "Let's get some of these to the others, how many you make?"

"Um..." Jen looked to the box on the floor in the classroom. The box was filled with little leet pictures on badges. Milian shook his head chuckling. "Um... did I make too many Milly?"

Milian smiled. "No of course not Jen! We got everyone here in class, and maybe Nerda would want to join too!"

The two laughed with each other. At the end of the day, the whole class wore the L.E.E.T. badges, including Instructor Oliva Jenkinson as well.

The class left school at the J.C.C.L. (the Jobe Center for Constructive Learning) with a chant of... LEET LEET LEET! SAVE THE LEETS!

[_____Chelle / Ylemae]

"Oh no... not again..." the words came from behind her as she sat at the small computer terminal in the class-room. Turning, Jen saw a boy not much older than her. White skinned, short black hair, and fairly muscular for his age. The boy she had put into the hospital a week ago when the two got into a fight. The boy who came from Athens. The boy she now felt more comfortable being with than anyone in any world... Milian Thompson. Jen giggled slightly as he kissed her on the cheek, then turned to look at the screen. "Don't tell me..."

"Yep!" she smiled and looked back to the screen.

"Jen... you got lucky last time. Nothing happened out of it... which is good since you did it out of anger..."

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter Milly. I won't let them exterminate my little friends..."

"Well, I'm sure mom and dad won't mind if you give them a bunch of troubles... but we're better than that Jen. We don't need to..." Jen spun in the chair looking fiercely at him. He knew that look. Her eyes almost sunk into the back of her head, making an expanse between the spots on her head that could kill someone if they started too long. This was the... Don't tell me no... look of hers. He had first seen it when he had first tormented her upon arriving at the J.C.C.L.... and knew to not mess with her. He quickly stammered, cutting off his sentance pointing to the screen. "You mis-spelled this..."

Jen smiled. "Thanks!" She corrected the mistake then sat back as she asked him how it looked.

"What is this that you have attached to the letter?" he pointed curiously at a small picture of a leet dancing wildly across the letter.

"Oh! Well, I figured that they'd install some form of protection for next time... considering my letter went through at all!"

"Jen... don't tell me please don't tell me..." Milian shook his head from side to side.

"Yep! This is a part of the actual letter. So unless they completely block the letter, the leet will climb out of the letter into all nearby systems and copy itself. It's not a damaging virus... so I think it'll get through... it'll just drive them nuts over dancing leets on all computer screens!" Jen broke out into a fit of giggles. "So how does it look?"

"How's it look? Um... Jen..." please don't send this!!!

"Yes?" she smiled brightly.

Please don't send this!!! "It looks... perfect."

Thus Jen sent her third letter to Omni-Admin with her little leety surprise...

Dear Mister Bosses,

I have yet to see any progress made by Omni-Administration to change their current policies toward leets and their places in Rubi-Ka and Jobe. I demand to see leets sent into the city of Jobe and the beautiful places of it immediately. I will not give up until you comply.

I have become convinced you don't like these fluffy-snuggly little friends of mine... so I hope over the next week or so you will appreciate them more as whenever you turn on a screen you will find them rolling from side to side.

Please comply. Thank you!

With my Love,
L.E.E.T.

[Tiaka]

Kait sat and listened to Charles Huston speak about Neutrals. Actually, she sat and endured it. She had no interest in politics, but politics often meant opportunities and opportunities meant credits so she did her best to pay attention to what was being said.

Suddenly, something interesting happened to break up the boredom - Huston's bot went crazy! Tynchre was going to enjoy hearing about this! Huston, on the other hand, looked less than amused and, after the bot collapsed in a pile of junk, growled that he wanted a Fixer put on the job to find out who was responsible. Ding! "That Fixer will be me!" thought Kait.

After the meeting ended, Kait was about to go introduce herself to Charles Huston and offer her services but came up with a better idea. She casually strolled up towards Kithrak and deftly brushed against him as she walked past and placed her business card in his coat pocket in much the same manner that she would have plucked a wallet back in "the old days" and continued walking by. She smiled to herself - too easy.

...

Back at the "office" - a low rent space that she shared with Tynchre that also doubled as Tynchre's workshop - Kait found Tynchre pouring over what appeared to be a pile of junk.

"Hiya, Tynch! I think I might have a job for us!"

Tynchre looked up with interest. "Oh?"

"Check it out, I was at this meeting that Charles Huston was holding and his bot went crazy! It ran all over the place then exploded!" Kait exaggerated a little to make it seem more exciting. "He was fuming and announced that he wanted a Fixer to investigate what happened since he suspects a virus or something."

"Did you talk to him and tell him we're for hire?" asked Tynchre.

"I did better than that! I slipped our card into his pocket without him even knowing it! He should be pretty impressed when he finds it!"

"If he finds it. What if it goes through his laundry? What if he thinks it's just some scrap and he throws it away? What if you were caught with your hand in his pocket and he had you arrested? Kait! Why do you have to take such unneccessary chances? We could really use a job right now! My research is expensive and you sure seem to like using the implants and other devices that I make for you!"

Kait sighed. "I wanted to impress him enough so that he would hire us! That's all I wanted to do!" That was a half truth. Kait enjoyed the thrill of danger and this exploit gave her the rush she so enjoyed, even if for just a few minutes.

Tynchre looked unimpressed but conceded; she knew Kait all too well and knew her motives. "Okay, I understand. Well, hopefully it will work out the way you planned."

"It will. You'll see!" Kait smiled.

[Virta]

The blackened barrel of OT12 makes light ticking noises as it
is cooling down on Omni-Pol anti-terrorist training grounds.
Next to it officer Virta is rolling a cigarette.

Some smoke is still rising from the countless holes where
the launcher grenades landed during a furious half an
hour of bombardment.

Tired but pleased he looks at the remains of the two leets
who had been playing the unfortunate part of the terrorists.
The bodies still wear the horrified look, but otherwise they
are completely intact. Cause of death, a heart attack probably.

A bit farther away, Virta's Slayerdroid is looking as amused
as possible for a bot.

"Good work today officer Virta" says the drill sergeant and
gives him a pat in the back.

"Your aim is definitely improving. I did not get hit even once
today. I would recommend you using the Slayer as your
weapon instead of the OT12 from now on though."

"Thank you Sir! I did my best not to hit, Sir!"

"I see. Briefing at 1200. You are dismissed."

At twelve hundred hours in Omni-Pol office, the Captain is
standing next to a whiteboard. Whiteboard shows a crudely
drawn picture of a leet, with letters L.E.E.T.

"The Omni-Pol network has been hit by a virus of some sorts."

"Any clues as to where it came from?"

"Yes, it came from the office of Philip Ross's *salute* secretary!"

"Oh, you think Mr. Ross...? *salute*"

"Of course not officer! We have not yet tracked the real origin
of the virus." "We do know that it is from an organisation that calls themselves L.E.E.T."

"I wonder what that means..."

"We have put a Profiler to investigate the virus. Profiler, please"

The Profiler clears her throat. "Nasty virus this. It shows
pictures of leets on every computer screen on the department
here. Rolling leets. I would recommend you keeping your
Slayerdroid offline for a while officer. The virus is highly contagious."

"I have analysed the behavioural patterns of the leets in
question and we are most definite that the virus writer is
male or female. Most definitely."

"Ah, not an Atrox then! Good, we are making progress already."

The Profiler looks at the two officers nervously.
"Might be an atrox as well."

"Good thinking, please go on."

"Further statistical analysis proves, most definitely, that the
virus writer is of medium height and/or weight, is wearing
glasses if has poor eyesight and is familiar with computers."

"Good work Profiler, you are dismissed. So, what do you think
of all this officer Virta?"

"Looks pretty clear when you think about it.
It is most obviously a clanner."