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Thread: Chapter 3 of "Those damned mutants"

  1. #1

    Chapter 3 of "Those damned mutants"

    Chapter2!

    Chapter1!

    Tormented Revenant (scratching madly at his bones): Master, the bugs! They are all over me! And the colors! Ooooh the pretty colors!

    Thedeacon: Didnít I tell you not to eat the Spiked Food Sacks ô?

    Belamorte: Oh great, another drugged up attack pet. Everyoneís getting stoned around here except me.

    Thedeacon: Well thatís because you keep me alive.

    Belamorte and Tormented Revenant look at each other briefly and erupt into a torrent of laughter

    Belamorte: Oh thatís a good one, Deacon.

    Tormented Revenant (bones making a clacking noise as he laughs): Oh Iím liking this new master. That tickled my funny bone. Get it? Funny bone!

    A cricket is heard chirping somewhere as Belamorte and Thedeacon stare blank faced at Tormented Revenant

    Belamorte: Er, yeah (pats Tormented Revenant on the back with a tentacle). Weíre going to need to work on the jokes, pal.

    Thedeacon (pointing to a pile of crumbs on the floor): Hey wait a sec here. Um, Tormented Revenant? How the hell did you get high from eating the Spiked Food Sack ô when you have no stomach?

    Tormented Revenant (looking sadly at the sweet Spiked Food Sack Crumbs ô lying on the ground): Oh. I guess you have a point there. But sometimes itís fun to Ďpretendí youíre high. Isnít it?

    Thedeacon (shaking his head slowly and letting out a disappointing sigh): Tormented Revenant, despite what youíve been told, doing drugs and listening to Pink Floyd music is just not cool. Sure, the kids you see eating Spiked Food Sacks ô may seem cool, but chicks donít really dig druggies.

    Belamorte: What about Winona Ryder?

    Thedeacon: She died like 26,000 years ago.

    Belamorte: But sheís a hottie.

    Thedeacon: Sheís a corpse.

    Tormented Revenant: Iím a corpse.

    Thedeacon: True, but you can walk around and talk and she can only lay there and do nothing.

    Tormented Revenant: And thatís different from every other womanÖÖhow?

    Thedeacon: Touchť. But no more drugs. As your master, I command it.

    You see? You see why Iím tormented, master? A guy canít even get high after he dies! Oh the torment!

    Belamorte has a brief glimpse of rolling up Tormented Revenantís Spiked Food Sack ô laced ashes in a piece of paper

    Belamorte (grabbing Tormented Revenantís arm bone with one of his tentacles and pulling him off to the side): Tormented Revenant, letís go over a couple of things. First of all, we donít call him Ďmasterí. Itís either ĎDeaconí or ĎGimpyí. Take your pick, he responds to both. You also donít really have to listen to what he says. Wait five seconds until a MOB rips through his pathetic hitpoints and then later on blame it on lag. He does this great animation when he dies (waves his tentacles frantically to mimic Thedeacon dying), itís like---ah just wait until he PVPs. Youíll get to see it a lot.

    Tormented Revenant: Master does not grow angry when you do not obey him?

    Both turn around to face Thedeacon, still pantless, who is busy cleaning the inside of his nose with a lockpick. He notices them watching, removes his hand from the lockpick which is still firmly wedged in his left nostril and waves at them both, a big stupid smile spread across his face.

    Belamorte: Deacon, Tormented Revenant. Dee-kin.

    Tormented Revenant: Okay, you have a point.

    Thedeacon is still smiling at them, the merry smile and wave accompanied by a vacuous look in his eyes.

    Tormented Revenant: Maybe I am still dead and this is hell.

    Belamorte: Worse. This is Anarchy Online. Hell doesnít charge you money for your suffering. Doesn't crash as much either.

    Tormented Revenant: Iíd like to go back into my urn now, Masó(looks at Belamorte who sticks a tentacle in his nose orifice to mimic Thedeacon) ĖI mean, Deacon.

    Thedeacon (smile fading a bit): Master. I like master. You can call me that, Tormented Revenant.

    Belamorte: Deacon. Call him Deacon.

    Thedeacon: Master!

    Belamorte: Gimpy.

    Tormented Revenant: Deacon.

    Thedeacon (growing angry): MasterÖ

    Tormented Revenant: Gimpy, the Meta-Gimpicist.

    Belamorte: Wannabe Nano-Gimpnician

    Tormented Revenant: Gimpier than a Gimpgineer

    Belamorte: Or a Bureaugimp

    Thedeacon: MASTER!

    Belamorte: *giggle* yes, Gimpy? Nice to know youíre addressing me properly.

    Thedeacon (/angry): Letís go.

    Belamorte: Iíll go when I damn well feel lió

    /pet Belamorte terminate

    Thedeacon (glares at Tormented Revenant with a look of meta-gimpical fury): You want a piece too, beeyatch?

    Tormented Revenant: Er, my powers are at your disposal, Gimpóer master.

    Thedeacon: Thatís more like it.

    Tormented Revenant: Um, master?

    Thedeacon (growing impatient): What is it?

    Tormented Revenant: Youíre not wearing any pants.

    Thedeacon looks down to discover that yes indeed, his pasty gray nanobutt is hanging out in the dank moist air of the mission.

    Thedeacon: Er. I canít put my pants back on.

    Tormented Revenant: Why not? Theyíre just pants.

    Thedeacon: Iím not strong enough or agile enough to put them back on.

    Tormented Revenant (taps his chinbone with a skeletal finger): Well, how much could a pair of pants possibly weigh?

    Thedeacon: Itís heavy fabric. Double insulated for those cold nights and all. Really, putting on pants is much harder than it looks. You need a lot of skill to do it.

    Tormented Revenant: Master, can I wear pants? Iíve been dead an awful long time and (looks at his skeletal crotch) I find myselfÖ.missing a few things from when I was alive. Just any old pair of pants will doÖ.(looks again at his skeletal crotch) and a rolled up sock.

    Thedeacon: No. Pets donít wear pants. Now letís look around and see if we can find some more pants in one of the three hundred top secret treasure chests carelessly left on the ground in plain sight. This one looks unloó

    You were attacked by nanobots for 3000 points of damage

    Nanobot #11435534: Heh, I been waiting to do that all day.

    Thedeacon: Ouch! Damned nanobots.

    Nanobot #23545433265445: Bite me, gimp!

    Thedeacon twirls his hands in the air like a Disc Jockey on crack, skillfully weaving strands of nanobots together to recast Belamorte

    Belamorte: Ö

    /Pet Belamorte heal

    Belamorte: Iím unable to do that.

    /pet heal

    Belamorte: Iím unable to do that.

    /pet heal

    Thedeacon: HEAL YOUR MASTER!

    Belamorte: TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK

    Thedeacon: HEEEEEAAAAAL!

    Belamorte: TURN. OFF. THE. CAPLOCKS.

    Thedeacon: Stop. Using. So. Many. Periods.

    /pet heal

    Belamorte: Iím unable to do that.

    Thedeacon: HEAL!

    Belamorte: No.

    Thedeacon: CAN you heal?

    Belamorte (scratching the top of his orb with a tentacle in mock oncentration): Lessee. Sit, stay, speakÖ.No heal *giggle*. I can heel though.

    Thedeacon: Iíve just casted you, youíre not out of nano and Iím standing right in front of you. Can you give me ONE good reason why you cannot heal me?

    Belamorte: Sure. YOU HAVE THE TREASURE CHEST TARGETTED, N00B.

    Thedeacon: Oh.

    Thedeacon presses F1

    /pet Belamorte heal

    Belamorte: I canít do that, master

    Thedeacon: #%^&

    Belamorte: Oh come on, Iím just teasing. You really do need to relax, you know that?

    You were healed for 74 points

    Thedeacon: $##@

    And that foul languageÖ..Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

    Thedeacon: Belamorte, Iím a nanomage. I was created in a laboratory. My mother was a test tube. She was thrown in the garbage shortly after I was born.

    Belamorte: Well that explains the hostility.

    MeanwhileÖÖ


    Seasoned Techwrecker (Turns away from the blank computer screen and pulls his pants up): For Mochamís sake! Not again! That was good pr0n!

    Master Rebooter: Just doing my job. (notices the jar of mayo next to Seasoned Techwrecker and picks it up) Ah, Iíve been looking all over for that. A sammich just isnít a sammich without the tangy zip of Notum Whip ô. Strange, I donít remember the jar being this full before.

    Seasoned Techwrecker: No, wait! Thatís not alló

    Master Rebooter sticks a finger in the jar and licks his finger

    Seasoned Techwrecker: ---mayo in thereÖ.ew.

    Master Rebooter: Hey, this mayo is warm. And whyís there a big hole in the mayo? It looks like you stuck your finger in there already, exceptÖ.Dude. Oh, dude.

    Seasoned Techwrecker: DUDE!

    Master Rebooter: Dude.

    Thedeacon: DUDE!

    Seasoned Techwrecker and Master Rebooter: DUDE!

    Thedeacon: Ha! I knew there were no mutants here! All along, it was as I said. A nefarious scheme by the evil Omni-Tek corporation!

    Master Rebooter: No, you are wrong, pathetic Meta-Physicist! We are something far more pathetic than mutantsÖÖWeíre NEUTRALS!

    Thedeacon: Get em, Tormented Revenant!

    Tormented Revenant (looking at the jar of mayo): Deacon, I donít think I want to touch either one of them.

    Thedeacon: Under the circumstances, I donít blame you.

    Thedeacon raises his Manex and hits Seasoned Techwrecker with 5,900 points of burst damage

    Belamorte: Woah Deac! That didnít suck!

    Master Rebooter: Woah, Seasoned Techwrecker! Youíre getting your ass kicked by a Meta-Physicist!

    Thedeacon: Letís see you beat that, Tormented Revenant!

    Tormented Revenant cracks his knuckles and twirls his scythe in the air. Seasoned Techwrecker parries the first attack but quickly finds himself overpowered by the fast, hard hitting attacks. Tormented Revenant delivers a massive kick to the sternum of Seasoned Techwrecker, followed by a deep slash toÖ..well letís just say that pr0n or mayo jars are nowhere in Seasoned Techwreckerís immediate future.

    Thedeacon stares wide-eyed with jealousy at Tormented Revenantís competent attack

    Thedeacon (to Seasoned Techwrecker): Yeah, and I totally told him to attack. I got skills, baby.

    Belamorte: Almost as much skill as the mayo jar.

    Master Rebooter looks at his pink shield and at the blood dripping from Tormented Revenantís scythe: HELP ME!

    Hardened Criminal slides in the room, legs unmoving, in attack pose

    Hardened Criminal: Oh thweety /fblock! The floors so thlippery, like thumeone dumped a big handful of Vaseline and got it all greased up for me!

    Master Rebooter: Hey, watch it with that big pole, Hardened Criminal! Itís going to---OMGz! /itch /itch

    Hardened Criminal (yanking the staff out of Master Rebooterís rectal socket): Oh thweety, looks like you got your Christmas Goose early! (looks at Thedeacon's veiny gray legs and naked buttcheeks) Ooooh it MUST be Christmas and I must be Santa Claus with a big candycane for YOUR stocking, Thedeacon!

    Thedeacon quickly rifles through the pockets of the dead Seasoned Techwrecker and retrieves the warm jar of mayo

    Thedeacon: PHAT LEWT!

    Belamorte: Er, Deacon. Thatís not phat lewt. I donít think you want to touchÖah never mind. Enjoy!

    Thedeacon (licking his fingers in between shots): Oooh, this Notum Whip ô is EXTRA zippy! Itís a bit warm though and thereís a big hole carved in the middle, like someone stuck a really big finger inside.

    Belamorte: /puke

    Tormented Revenant: Deacon, adds!

    Veteran Ruffian: Iíve been waiting to turn this Baseball Bat into a Blood Stained bat. You care to volunteer for me, Thedeacon? Hand over our Spiked Food Sacks (tm) or you'll get your annual enema for free this year! (looks at Thedeacon's naked buttcheeks) Well you're half ready for it, it seems.

    [color=sky blue]ARK-Clueless: Are you in a safe place for me to warp you into lava and insult your intelligence with my complete and total lack of competance?

    To ARK-Clueless: Er, not exactly. Iím in a fight. Can this wait a minu--

    ARK-Clueless: Good, Iíll be right there.[/color]

    ARK-Clueless materializes in front of Thedeacon in a cloud of nanobots and brimstone

    ARK-Clueless: Hand over the Spiked Food Sacks ô you duped and prepare to be subjected to the wrath ofÖÖ

    ARK CLUELESS!
    Last edited by THEDEACON!; Aug 17th, 2003 at 21:28:46.
    Nanomage: The OTHER other white meat

  2. #2
    UBER!!!

    Seasoned Techwrecker (Turns away from the blank computer screen and pulls his pants up): For Mochamís sake! Not again! That was good pr0n!

    Master Rebooter: Just doing my job. (notices the jar of mayo next to Seasoned Techwrecker and picks it up) Ah, Iíve been looking all over for that. A sammich just isnít a sammich without the tangy zip of Notum Whip ô. Strange, I donít remember the jar being this full before.

    Seasoned Techwrecker: No, wait! Thatís not alló

    Master Rebooter sticks a finger in the jar and licks his finger

    Seasoned Techwrecker: ---mayo in thereÖ.ew.

    Master Rebooter: Hey, this mayo is warm. And whyís there a big hole in the mayo? It looks like you stuck your finger in there already, exceptÖ.Dude. Oh, dude.

    Seasoned Techwrecker: DUDE!

    Master Rebooter: Dude.

    LOL
    Last edited by Intah!; Jul 19th, 2003 at 23:29:36.
    RK1 Novice Simply "Bladeblood" Thebest - 220 TL 7 Clan Keeper Savior, Alien level 16
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    --------------------------------------------------------
    Veteran Points: 36.
    Waiting for Age of Conan.
    Rest in Peace Beardedone, you will be missed.

  3. #3
    OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!111!!!!!222 22!!!!!

    deacy did it again!!!!!!!!!5!55!!!!555!!!!!!

    "Belamorte: I canít do that, master

    Thedeacon: #%^&

    Belamorte: Oh come on, Iím just teasing. You really do need to relax, you know that? "

    LOL! UBER!!!!77!!!7!!!7!

  4. #4
    deac, you know we love you, right?

    and I mean in a purely hetero and platonic way
    --
    Torgman - Clan Fixer
    Torgshaolin - Clan MA
    Torgstash - Clan Trader
    Torgmedic - Clan Doc
    Torgredtape - Clan Crat

    Games don't make people violent. Lag does.

  5. #5
    WTF DEACON NO HATING ON PINK FLOYD, MY FAVORITE BAND!

    Anyway, great story...lets hear some more FC and ARK Bash!

    Rookie Resonance "Notumsurrrge" Blast - Gimp NT of Redemption Dream Setup

    First NT to have the Hood of Wicked Inspiration/Reanimator's Cloak setup!


  6. #6
    hehehe hey man, it's satire, not bashing

    I'm in the minority here, I know, but I actually like Funcom

    As for Pink Floys, I like em too, but have you ever seen "The Wall"? I swear, back when it was re-released in theaters they performed drug tests to make sure you WERE high before you could enter.

    Me: "Hey man, could I borrow a cup of urine? I don't take drugs and they ain't gonna let me in"
    Nanomage: The OTHER other white meat

  7. #7
    Duude... so mayo jar is the futuristic version of the apple pie on the table?

    As funny as ever, Deacon. My monitor covered in cofee again hates you now, but....
    Jen Markarian - Put the weirdness back in Omni-Mining
    Updating my stories -- 19/03/08. Going slowly, but certainly
    Anarchy Reloaded - AO webcomics for the sake of being silly

    I never want to lose what I have finally found
    There's a requiem
    A new congregation
    And it's telling me: go forward and walk
    Under a brighter sky
    -- Delerium, Euphoria --

  8. #8

  9. #9
    Sweet. Fortunately, this time I was not at work....
    Note to self: When on a mish, don't read Deacons stories!!!!
    Tempus fugit.

    Everybody has a photographic memory.
    Some don't have film.

    When you find a big kettle of crazy it's best not to stir it.
    -PHB/Scott Adams

  10. #10
    Good stuff, you continue to do the community, and the engineer whining efforts a great service with these stories. Keep it up!
    Last edited by Zane0; Jul 21st, 2003 at 00:07:08.
    Ernest "Zane0" Bunke - Equipment - Perks
    Obsidian Order
    Advisor

    Fix 200+ Engineer Slayers

  11. #11

    Re: Chapter 3 of "Those damned mutants"

    Originally posted by THEDEACON!
    [color=sky blue]ARK-Clueless: Hand over the Spiked Food Sacks ô you duped and prepare to be subjected to the wrath ofÖÖ[/color]

    ARK CLUELESS!
    *cheers on ARK Clueless*

    Great story, Deacon
    My Main - Actionpete of the Red Tigers

    And with one sweeping blow, Letah pwns everyone. :-D - Razishlyat, Nano Regen rate

    The Shadowlands Perk System - "Are you feeling perky yet?"

    On the Shadowlands Perk System:-
    Originally posted by OneChrisN
    Frankly we don't know anyting about it other that it's there and Enforcers can kick people in the nuts.

  12. #12
    ROFLMAO
    Excelent as always bro

    peace
    cal2
    Caloss2 LVL 220 melee VANGUARD (semi retired).....Llewlyn 220/30/70 meepmeep.....Boooocal 220../30/70 Soldier.......Knack 220/30/70 Keeper.....Hiesenberg 215/xx/xx NT NERFED Neytiri1 220/30/70 Shade Knacker220/30/70Meat shield
    https://www.youtube.com/user/caloss2 for guides/walkthroughs/letsplays and all your other AO needs
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  13. #13
    OOOOooo Cal has 666 posts! I always knew he was eeeeviiilll.

    Good story!
    Bellserk - 156 Nanomage MP

  14. #14
    Bwahahaha! LOL...


    I actually was in the subway with an alt of mine a couple o weeks ago. A n00b petitioned for sth and a greenie came, I think it was actually a GM...

    I was in a team back then and ran up the railway tracks. When I saw the GM, I shouted

    "OMGz! It's ARK CLUELESS..."

    my teammates were bowling over with laughter... the GM didn't take it too kindly

    Great story, as always...

    Sid

  15. #15
    ROFLMAO!!!!

    Damn, everyone at work as looking at me like I have flat lost my mind, laughing so damn hard im crying!!!!!!!

    Great story! Keep em coming......... err, meant that in the non-mayo jar sense...... really......
    Operative of Omni SV-9

    Omni-Tek is watching you.

  16. #16
    MORE!!! PLEASE GIVE ME MORE!!!

    Fantastic work Thedeacon, if you ever write a book ill buy it even if i have to import it from the US
    Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Don't Get Sucked Into Jet Engines

    Seven Deadly Sins
    Seven Ways To Win
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    And Your Trip Begins
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    Seven Your Desires
    Agent suggestions by Sjofn : -new ql 190 nano "Call Airstrike", drops a Heckler on the target.

  17. #17
    ewww the mayo the mayyyyoooooo noooooooo.

    lol good job deacon keep up the good work
    Therefore, Those who know martial arts do not wander when they move, and do not become exhausted when they rise up. So it is said that when you know yourself and others , victory is not in danger; when you know the sky and earth, victory is inexhaustible. ~Sun Tzu's The Art Of War~


    Rypley (Belive it or not)
    President of Red Tigers retired

    Tyvek Advisor of DI-RT

  18. #18
    I was just feeling down and depressed, but now I have to thank Mr. Deacon for lifting my spirits. Humor is definitely good medicine.
    Former EQ Cleric lvl 26, no relation to Bugs Bunny
    90 337 $0|\/|3 l337: It's not just for dinner anymore

  19. #19
    ROFLMAOLOL!

    *wipes tears from eyes* this is the best thread (along with part 1,2) Ive seen since... forever! This is really great, only problem is Im still waiting on the next installment! Hurry Deacon, hurry!

    The sad thing is though, this is prolly based off actual events

    EDIT: I need to learn how to spell
    Lmnox - Meta-Physicist General of Athen Paladins in RK-2

    Back after a 5 month hiatus!
    "You can take a gimp out of AO, but you can't take the AO out of a gimp."

  20. #20
    I managed not to laugh out loud at work (barely) this time.. but even so, Deac, your writing is hilarious! And manages to portray the satire quite well indeed.

    Keep up the good work.
    -Ward 'Kzak' Hereda, Clan L220, AL15 'Competent' Supreme Creator on Rubi-Ka 1. Equipment setup.

    Life is like a box of chocolates. Except, you know, the brown stuff in the box? That's not chocolate.

    Doing his part to make the world a more interesting place since December 2001.. but not any more. Account cancelled, playable until 2006-11-13 19:25:49. See you in Age of Conan!

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