Chapter 1!
Belmorte (looking at Metaphysical Demon with envy): Hmm. Deacon, maybe I should try some Spiked Food Sacks ™ as well? I mean, purely for research of course.
Metaphysical Demon: Right on man. All the cool kids are doing it. Just one bite of sweet Spiked Food Sack ™ will make you forget how much it sucks to follow Deacon around all day.
Thedeacon (stopping to face his pets): Belamorte, doing Spiked Food Sacks ™ does not make you cool. It’s who you are inside that makes you cool and you know what? I think you’re pretty cool without the Spiked Food Sacks ™.
Belamorte: Deacon, you take the word “gimp” to new heights. Did you get that from the back of a cereal box or something?
Thedeacon: No.
Belamorte: Deacon…
Thedeacon: Okay okay, yes. Yes I did. However, Frosted Notum flakes ™ provides a healthy moral message in addition to 4 non-essential vitamins and minerals and enough fiber to bust up the colon of a bronto mama. Hmm, speaking of which, is there a bathroom in this place?
Metaphysical Demon (humming the lyrics to Inna-gadda-da-vida): Bathrooms are groovy man.
Belamorte: I think what he means is “down the hall and to the right”, however the dynamic content builder may have put it to the left.
Thedeacon (craning his neck forward to see to the end of the obscenely long mission hallway): Damn that dynamic content buildier, always moving around the rooms of these non-descript Broken Shores buildings.
Belamorte: Omni-Tek is a cruel employer indeed. I think they do it to keep their employees from taking bathroom breaks or something.
Thedeacon (looking su****iously at his pet): How is it that you seem to know so much about Omni’s practices, Belamorte? You’re not going Omni on me, are you?
Belamorte: No way! I still like girls and stuff!
/fblock
Thedeacon: Alright, but I’m keeping an eye on you from now on, mister.
Belamorte: Ew! Even when I get undressed? Maybe YOU’RE turning Omni, Deacon!
/ymca
Thedeacon: Well anyways, I really have to go pretty badly here. It’s going to take at least three hours to make it to the end of this mission.
Belamorte: Yeah, timesinks suck.
Thedeacon: Well right now, the only thing I want to sink is a big steaming loaf.
Belamorte: Oh gross, Deacon! Too much information!
Metaphysical Demon: Groovy man, Deacon’s gotta take a number two.
Thedeacon (eyeing a Garbage Can): You think that maybe…
Belamorte: DUDE! /nono
Thedeacon: Oh come on. This is one of those pointlessly empty hallways. Surely nobody will notice if I leave behind a little memoir of the clans, will they? After all, Omni is full of crap anyways. You think they’d even notice a little bit extra?
Belamorte: This is so twisted. Don’t you still have your luxurious rubber armor pants? I mean, couldn’t you just…..you know. I mean, isn’t that what they’re there for?
Thedeacon: No, they’re there for the sole purpose of showing how class specific armor will always suck and blow at the same time. And besides, I don’t like the squishy feeling that wouldn’t give me.
Belamorte (growing more uncomfortable): Aren’t they….um….self cleaning or something? I mean, the nanobots could like….eat….er… excuse me….
/PUKE
Belamorte: Hmm I don’t remember eating that…
/PUKE
Thedeacon: Belamorte, if it bothers you so much, why not float aaway or turn your back…er orb….or something.
/ITCH
/ITCH
Thedeacon: Okay that’s it, I’m totally prairie doggin’ it. The Ottous head is already poking out of the shell. Ready or not….
/MOON
/ITCH
Belamorte (screaming in horror, the ends of his tentacles emanating smoke): OMG DEACON! That’s the last time I let you eat a Mongol Heart Burger with extra raw onion!
Metaphysical Demon: My lifeforce is leaving me….
You have set off a trap! You must learn more about the creatures of the wild…
And you damn man, take some Pepto Bismol or something.
Thedeacon (jumping up in surprise): Holy crap! The garbage can just exploded!
Belamorte (plugging his nasal hole with two tentacles): Jesus H. Mocham! Is it any wonder?
Thedeacon: Belamorte!
Belamorte: OMG j00 have set up us t3h bomb
Thedeacon: what you say?
Garbage Flea #1: All your base are belong to us!!
Garbage Flea #2: CORN!
Garbage Flea #3: My eeeeeeeeeeeeyes! Burniiiiiiiiiiing!
Garbage Flea #4 (sniffs the putrid mess): dude.
Garbage Flea #5: dude!
Garbage Flea #6 0MFg.....DUDE!!!
Thedeacon: DUDE!
Belamorte: Deacon! Pull your pants up and let’s go! Time for action!
Your Strength is required to be at least 550
Your Agility is required to be at least 550
Thedeacon: Belamorte, I can’t get them back up! I don’t have the skill to pull my pants up!
Belamorte: Oh that’s just fantastic. We’re being mobbed by garbage fleas and I get to look your great big flabby naked gray ass hanging out.
Thedeacon: Hey waitasec. I work out. My ass is as tight as two stale Kaiser rolls.
Belamorte: Two stale Kaiser rolls that have been soaked in gravy and reet lard. Quick Deacon, get Metaphysical Demon out here!
Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposa---oh God, you didn’t even wipe! My powers are leaving me…
Garbage Flea hits you for a small amount of damage that wouldn’t really bother a well built character, but cuts through your gimp ass like a hot knife through butter
Belamorte: Deacon! You must activate…
Thedeacon (shoots at the four foot immobile bug standing 13 inches from his feet, yet somehow manages to miss): No! I mean….it’s only for emergencies…
Belamorte (fighting off several more garbage fleas): We’re being attacked by giant man eating bugs covered in your own excrement, Deacon. Does this not classify as an emergency???
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Already casting nanoprograms
Executing Saemus’ Crystalizer
Please wait for previous action to complete
Take it easy…
Um, I mean “Please wait for previous action to complete”….whew, forgot what patch it was…the Take it easy bug was fixed....really, you believe us, right?
Thedeacon: What’s going on?
Belamorte: Lag spike.
Garbage Flea #5: ….
Thedeacon: How come we’re frozen like this?
Belamorte: I would come up with an explanation, but you would only question the world and surrounding reality. Instead, try to forget the terms “Suspension of disbelief” and “realistic physics” ever existed and just let your mind drift. Welcome to Anarchy Online.
Five seconds later…..
Thedeacon: Emptying my mind of all thought was easier than I thought! In fact, I’d venture to say that it felt rather natural.
Belamorte: It’s only the fact that I agree with you that I am withholding my comment.
Thedeacon: Saemus’ Crystalizer is now casting. Just wait and you’ll see a pet even more spectacular than Metaphysical Demon!
Belamorte: I’ve seen adventurers charm lets more spectacular than Metaphysical Demon.
Thedeacon: Any second now…
Five minutes later….
Belamorte: Is it still casting? Jeez!
Thedeacon: Well, this is so uber that it would be unbalancing for us to insta cast it.
Belamorte: Or cast it sometime within the next three days…
Thedeacon: Any second now…
Belamorte: You said that any second ago
Thedeacon (feeling beard stubble begin to grow on his chin): Any second….Really, it would be unbalancing for me to cast this any faster.
Belamorte: Either that, or the devs wanted to see you twirl your hands in the air for hours like an idiot.
Thedeacon (holding up a ball of Concentrated Crystalized Energy: /ROCKY There! Casting completed! Now I must combine the Concentrated Crystalized Energy with the Rusted Iron-bound Funeral Urn to make an Energized Rusted Iron-bound Funeral Urn. Now mere seconds after I right click the Energized Rusted Iron-bound Funeral Urn, you will witness the might of the Tormented Revenant!
Belamorte: I’m underwhelmed.
Thedeacon: Any second now….Really, if I were to cast this any faster, it would be unbalancing….
Five minutes later….
Thedeacon: Any second now…..
Tormented Revenant: My powers are at your disp-- *sniff sniff* Jesus, man! If I weren’t already a dead skeleton, that stench would have killed me. And why is your naked butt hanging out?
Belamorte: Um Deacon? The garbage Fleas fell asleep… *sniff* or died.
Tormented Revenant: I really am tormented I think. I don’t even have a nose and I can smell you!
Thedeacon: Oh come on, you’re exaggerating! It doesn’t smell that bad.
Tormented Revenant: It smells like my rotting body shortly after I died. Put me back in the urn please.
Thedeacon: Nu-uh mister! You have no idea how hard it was to acquire your urn (Thedeacon has a brief flashback of Omnis, Inner Sanctum, a dress, a jar of mayonnaise and singing Elton John songs while a sweaty omni atrox made kissy noises at him)
Tormented Revenant: I saw that flashback, Deacon. In neither life nor death have I ever witnessed anything quite that disturbing. I’m ready to die again.
Thedeacon: no way mister…..you’re going to finish the mission with us and drug those damned mutants until they can rise no more! Here, hold this extra bag of Spiked Food Sacks ™…..but DO NOT eat them.
Tormented Revenant (drooling bone chips and dust as a hungry look overcomes his empty eye sockets): I promise, Deacon. I won’t *munch munch* eat the *munch* delicious *crunch* *swallow* food sacks…But say, isn’t drugging mutants out of the blue to keep them from rising a sign of animal cruelty?
Ark-Clueless (in invisible spy mode): Ahhh! So Thedeacon DID dupe the foodsacks AND he’s handing out drugs…..This looks like a job for….
ARK-CLUELESS!!!
Ark-Clueless: Lava warper and ARK Power Abuser ™ equipped, armed and ready.
Stay tuned for chapter 3……