Trace the feeling back to source
Adopt a different kind of course
A change of heart
Another place to start
Secret steps are in your dance
The offer of a second chance
- 12th Night, The Ceiling Speaks -
Once again, once more among the numerous amount of times she had already done it, Jen stared at her hand, trying to prevent the mixed feelings in her heart to carry her away.
She was sitting on the floor in the dark room, her back resting against the wall, her gaze lost in the contemplation of some invisible scenery. The shadows around her, swfit and caressing, in their odd ballet she knew so well now... the darkness she could almost touch, if she closed her eyes and let her imagination work strongly enough. The room... her room... their room... it still all looked like a dream to her, a dream she wished she would never come back from. For she had woken up seized by a terrible fear again at the thought that it was only but another of these dreams; but he was still lying at her side, this time... he was still with her, the ray of light through the closed curtains delicately outlining his face. Yes... he was back now. He had promised her he would stay, and he also had told her something else, something she had been eagerly awaiting as well as terribly dreading.
She had been missing him so much... so much that she had found herself unable to even know what she was doing, more and more. She was good to nothing when he wasn't with her. Good to nothing, when he would have needed her help - and maybe it was the reason he had gone? - No... No... that wasn't the reason, but... - She had been the most desperate woman, too, when all of a sudden, upon coming back from running an assignment, she had browsed the Grid once more out of habit, and saw the ad... his words... his sadness carved in each letter. Running, running, in a haze, trying to find where he was. Forcing the communications. Asking the help, even, of someone she didn't really trust, and the deal she had set in order to obtain the means of finding her love again were.... - But I hadn't the choice!... had I? It's a deal... I should be used ta this now...-
She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts and dismiss the bad memories. Fates had turned once again, in a matter of minutes, so to say, making her the most happy woman, too. Another stage for another dream... this time carrying her to a place she still feared, even though she had managed to get rid of the terror that seized her guts each time she was going back to the desert. She couldn't allow herself this fear, not with her job, not with what she needed to do. She had had to jump in the Rift once more... doing her best to forget that it was through this very exit, too, that Trellame had forced her to follow him, on that awful day that seemed an eternity ago... and then, the immensity of the desert sky, above her head... and the trees behind the high walls of Sabulum. Sabulum, its odd, empty Temple. Sabulum, where her fate was bringing her once again. And he had been there, Malcom had been there!, when she had stumbled through the door, escaping the dry air and the blazing light of the twin suns now setting over the horizon. He had been there, his features terribly marked by the trials, by the illness, but still the same... still the same love burning in his eyes, stronger than ever. She wouldn't give up, not this time, not on him. She wouldn't go home without him. She wouldn't go on without him!...
He had promised. And he had stayed. Such a wonderful night, their happiness wiping off for a moment all sadness and worries... and this time, the haze hadn't resisted, the veil had been teared under her furious assaults to gain control of her thoughts again. He was back! Back, and nothing would separate them again! He was back, and they would enjoy this moment of passion, the deep, complete union of the body and the heart. His kisses, his caresses, his hands on her skin, in her hair, kisses, more kisses... back to the safety of their hometown, in a loving embrace, the warm, dim light drawing their shadows on the wall of her apartment... After all they had been through, after all these months spent alone, dreaming about him, about the day he would come back, she now was truly, completely his, mind and body, heart and soul. Or rather, this part of her mind that was hers, for the other one...
But she was happy. Or she thought she was. This new feeling in her... something she had never really experienced before, something her despair itself couldn't completely erase. If she managed to succeed... if she managed to save him... she could only clutch at fainting hopes now, and the last resort... she preferred not think of it though. Not if she could avoid it. Instead, she looked at her hand again, at the golden ring and its beautiful ruby spirals carved in the metal, and her eyes filled with tears. He had proposed her... her, the sewer brat, the dirty kid who used to beg old food at the Bronto Burger at the end of the day, who never really had any high hopes in her miserable childhood... her, the weirdo, the crazed one, the odd Fixer who talked alone half of the time, and shared her mind with a Gridghost whose existence itself was a total aberration... Malcom had proposed her, on this evening that was doomed to be both the happiest and the saddest day of her life, as contradictory as this statement could seem. She had finally taken the decision she was trying to run away from for so long. And she knew that even though it made her happy, she would never be freed of this new sadness now. Never.
"...I'm so sorry...." she whispered, burying her face in her hands, biting her lower lip to prevent herself from crying now. She had been so full of fear, fear of Heiji's reaction, of the hell he would make of her life if she accepted, at his rage against Malcom for having dared to take her away from him!... Yes... for a few seconds that had seemed an eternity to her, Malcom's words still echoing in her ears as he had passed the ring at her finger, she had really feared, knowing that she wouldn't be able to accept, that the choice wasn't completely hers... feeling the wave of despair threatening to engulf her again, as she was already preparing her answer, this answer that was paining her as surely as a bullet straight in the heart, the answer that would make her cry again and again whe she would be alone... alone, as usual. And yet, what had caused her the most pain, and still was, hadn't even been what she had feared, in the end.
It hadn't been Heiji's jealousy. It had been Heiji's lovefor her. The deep, utter weight of his thoughts suddenly silenced by the shock, as Malcom's words and their meaning were reaching him too, as he was understanding, also, what was the answer she was truly wanting to give, so badly. His silence, his calm, his usual calm before the storm, before he lost control and coldly turned into this dark being he still was in the depths of his soul. Yet the dreadfully expected storm had never broken out in her mind. For the first time since she had been aware of what he could force her to do, it hadn't broken out.
"...Say yes."
For a split second, instead, Jen had thought she was going to die under the sudden, infinite wave of sadness that had washed over her, a second before he managed to repress it. Not her sadness at first, but his. His acceptance. His final understanding that there was no other way, no other solution. And the realization that hit her too. Before that very, intense moment, she had never fully realized how much he cared for her.... how true, how deep his love for her was, to the point of agreeing to this sacrifice. She wouldn't have been able to tell whether it was his love or his despair that made her so sad. The shock had left her dazed, weak, confused. He knew that in that instant, she would have obeyed if he had demanded her to refuse. She knew what he was able of, when he was angry, when the hate threatened to carry him away... he had already made her pay so many times, made her suffer for this love she should never have allowed to grow in first place...
"...Say yes, Jenny. If you don't, you'll always regret it. And I don't want you to be sad for the rest of your life."
Now that the shock had passed... now that she was sitting here, awake, alone with her thoughts, while her lover was still asleep, Jen could fully realize what it really meant, what wonderful gift Heiji had made her. She could feel the agony of his soul. The agony of letting her go away from him a little more. The agony of feeling so useless, trapped as he was within her mind, without any hope of being able to do more for her than he already had. She knew his pain... his sadness... his desire, his need of being at her side, not only in thought. Oh yes... Heiji could shield himself the best he could and pretend he was allright, she still knew nothing would ever be the same for him anymore. And Jen was feeling so bad about this, so bad about his suffering... so bad about this terrifying proof of love he had given her in that frozen instant.
Yet she loved Malcom. She loved him so much... so much that not accepting would have driven her mad, and she was confusely aware of this fact, too. Never had she loved someone like this before - someone alive, that is. Never had any man told her that she was beautiful as Malcom had did, with his so wonderful smile, his shining eyes, his warm hand caressig her cheek. Never had any living man loved her that much, a love so strong she could feel it radiating from him every time his gaze lingered on herface and body. Never had anyone been so kind with her, even when she was behaving odly, stupidly, angrily, and even though he very well knew that she was tied to Heiji in a way nobody on Rubi-Ka could fully understand.
"..I'd have... Heiji... I dun wanna hurt ya..." she whispered, her trembling voice barely audible even in the silence. She knew she was about to voice a terrible lie. "I'd have say no, if ya had want--..."
"It's a living husband you need, hun. Not a dead one" - and his invisible, mental smile was so sad, as he was saying these words!...
"But ya..."
"I'll live with it. Don't worry. Never worry about this." And he fell silent, the smile slowly frezing, fainting, vanishing. He needed to be alone, and however he couldn't, locked as he was in his thoughts, thoughts he wouldn't let her know, in fear of making her suffer even more.
So... Jen had done what her heart begged her to do, what her body longed to. She had accepted. She had said yes to Malcom. In her heart of hearts, after all, she didn't need any official ceremony or formular to feel herself tied to him the way she was. She didn't need words. The feelings were all that mattered, the feelings were all that had always mattered. Without Malcom, she would die. Without Heiji, she would die. Their fate was playing tricks on them once again, the happiness of two of them always meaning the despair of the third one. It couldn't be otherwise...
Dismissing this thought too, Jen swallowed hard, raising her head to look at the bed, on the other side of the room, the bed where he was sleeping, after this wonderful, beautiful, amazing night. Swiftly getting back on her fet, she silently walked to him, her fingers lingering on the sheets for a few seconds, not wanting to wake him up, not yet, not when he would wonder why she had been crying. She loved him, truly, deeply, madly, with a passion that was almost frightening at times. If she was to lose him to this disease... if she was to be left in this world without him... She knew what Heiji surely had thought. Maybe he's gonna die. Maybe. Maybe there is no real hope. You deserve some happiness, a happiness I can't give you, Jen-chan. You deserve love, you deserve a man that can take you in his arms and kiss you and make you really feel like a woman. So... be happy. I am the only one who doesn't have his place in this love...
How came that such a happiness could co-exist with such a sadness?...
Jen slowly kneeled near the bed, resting her chin on her arms as she was folding them on the sheets in front of her. Looking at him, at his pale features, at his long dark hair. Looking at the form of his body, feeling his presence, thinking, trying to convince herself that it wasn't a dream, that it was real. That the despair was real, thus the happiness too. They had so little time left, maybe, and she was decided not to let it flow between her fingers this time. She would clutch at the hopes, embrace them, she would find a solution, she would... She would all that was in her power, and even more, to allow them to be, at last, happy.
"Till the end of time... in health and illness... in happiness and fears... I'll always be yers... till death do us part..." Jen whispered, closing her eyes on the burning, bloody tears again.
And this thought was not for Malcom only...
- AO webcomics for the sake of being silly
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