My fanfic, feedback please!

It's not finished, not even close, but i think it's kinda good. It doesen't have anything to do with anarchy online, but it's based HEAVILY on anarchy online. Please tell me what you think, what's good and not good about it. Have fun reading!



The beggining - Omni-Tech

I was born and raised on earth, my dad is the president of the hyper organisation Omni-tech. Omni-tech's goal is gathering recources and territorial expansion, these goals will be acoplished no matter what. Me and my sister Diana always hated Omni-tech, wich means we also hated our parent, wich means we had a hard childhood. We never told them tough, in fear of being executed for being traitors. When Diana turned 19, she ran, and she took me with her. Ofcourse, our parents diden't let us go so easily, they sended thouseds of troops to look for us. When we found out they were looking for us, Diana and I stole a Black Boa spacecraft. Diana piloted the ship. We flew about 2 months when we finally landed on a alien planet. When we were walking trough the beautiful city of Tir, we ran into a really nice guy called Jonathan. After talking with him a bit he offered us to stay at his place until we got enough money for a place of our own. We accepted ofcourse. The next day we went to do shopping. After shopping Diana and Jonathan talked a bit at the lake in the center of town, when suddenly a shadow falls upon them. When they look up they see this huge spacecraft. The spacecraft slowly lands in front of them. The hull of the spacecraft has "Omni-Tech" on it. Me and my sister were really shocked. Then a man comes out, it's dad. 'Ryal, Diana, you are coming with me NOW!' he shouts. 'You will be send to prison for the rest of your lifes and if you try to resist i will be forced to kill you' he says. Jonathan draws his gun and fires. 'Nobody gives orders around here pal' he says. 'Oh my god! You killed dad!' Diana shouts at Jonathan. 'Was that guy your dad?' he asks. Diana confirms that. 'I am happy that he's dead, that's what he deserves' she says. 'I agree' i said. 'Gosh, you do take this lightly' says Jonathan. 'For what i just said is the truth' says Diana. Another guy comes out of the spacecraft and takes dads body. 'You have just started a war you fool! We will send more troops to this planet, we will conquer this world, we will make you wish you never lived!' the man said.
The man goes back into the spacecraft and the spacecraft flies away. 'I am so sorry' Diana says while almost crying. 'For what?' asks Jonathan. 'They said there is going to be a war, and Omni-Tech never lies' Diana says. 'So that means tommorow we will be struggling for our lives' asks Jonathan. 'Yes' answers Ryal.



That's how far i've come, i really don't know how to make Jonathan and the rest of the people react tought, any suggestions ?

yea, get it moved to the right BOARD!! this board here is for ingame story, not player story, you should try - In-character insted other wsie it looks good :)

If you really want some critique and suggestions here are a few, please do not let this be discouraging.

1. Spell check. Poor spelling makes the story harder to read and harder to take seriously.
2. Watch your tense. In a couple of places you start writing in past tense and switch to 1st person then even to 3rd person present tense.
3. Utilize proper paragraph and sentence structure to organize your writing more clearly.
4. If you struggle with grammar then keep the sentence structure simpler. This will make the writing appear more adolescent but not nearly as much as the current grammatical errors do.
5. Start with good character development in your own mind. Write bios of each person, age, height, weight, likes, dislikes etc. before trying to write about them. They must be real to you or their actions will appear unreal in the writing.
6. Consider your actions from a realistic human perspective. Do you really believe that a child will hate their parents because they work for a bad corporation? Does it make sense that a son and daughter, even if they do hate their parents, would have almost no reaction to their deaths.

If this is too harsh please forgive me. I do not mean it to be but by utilizing some of these tools you could quickly improve the story, your writing, and I believe the response coming from your audience.

As a stand-alone fan-fiction, it's fine as it does convey the idea that it is scribbed by a youngin (at least I hope that's what you intended for Ryal). Although, the last paragraph, as SodaMoca5 mentioned, you changed tense... You might want to check for that.

Anyway, if by fan-fiction though, you mean character background, then you also might want to stay away from naming yourself as the son of Omni-Tek's president (who, just to be clear, is not Phillip Ross). Killing said character is even um.. well.. fanciful at best.

Cameo appearances from key or otherwise famous characters without it being an actual story driver is usually construed as fluff. Always a good check is to replace that cameo character with 'Joe Shmoe' and see if that makes any difference. If not, then just leave it as 'Joe Shmoe'. ;)


Just on a side note, too many people have used Omni-Tech instead of Omni-Tek for it to be a coincidence. At least here in north america and the UK, it's been referred to as Omni-Tek. Does it translate to 'Tech' elsewhere?

Tap

/me look in the manuals

Nope, it is Omni-TEK, T E K, TEK

Tek Tek Tek :P

not sure why some name it that, its the same with the city of Athen, several say AthenS