An Indulgence into Mediocrity: The Food of Bronto Burger
An Indulgence into Mediocrity: The Food of Bronto Burger
Roubles
Out on another pointless stroll, I noticed that in the Entertainment District of Omni-1, there was a large gathering of people surrounding one of the Bronto Burger establishments. Immediately, a question came into my head: Why would such a location be so popular when placed in the dead of the outdoors on the gloomy streets of Omni-1 Entertainment District?
At closer look, I discovered a rather cheesy and somehow inappropriately unappetizing voice, apparently being played occasionally over speakers to the area surrounding the Bronto Burger. Perhaps this was an attempt to lure customers in. At any rate, the voice is a painfully low, boring attempt at advertising. It sings, it shouts "mmm, yummy", and it inexplicably spouts out a thickly accented "Bronto Burgers!" to name a few things.
Assuming that somehow the crowd, the large sign, or (yes, I suppose it's possible) the droning voice lures you in, you're in for a real 'treat' when you actually purchase something. With that, it gives me great pleasure to offer you a review of the 'food' offered:
Beer Jug - Despite claiming to be "constantly refilled" by means of beer being directly "nano-whom-Pah'ed" into your jug, think again before you condemn your body to torture by the one-half liter. The beer tastes bland, completely unauthentic, and somehow has the same after-taste as the "Cheese Bronto"... lovely.
Bottle of Fresh Water - Yes, children, can you believe it? They had the audacity to call their water "fresh."
Cup of Coffee - Not insanely bad, but it's coffee. Perhaps I'm wrong, yet somehow I doubt it's freshly brewed by the always-unenthusiastic Bronto Burger "chefs."
Ice Coffee Can - This appears to be the same as a Cup of Coffee, however served in a can and chilled to excruciatingly cold temperatures.
Joka-Poka Can - First of all, I can only imagine who got the idea that "Joka-Poka" was a marketable drink name. Besides that, this is a reasonable drink if your tastes are a tad lower than Vintage Red Wine.
Bronto Burger - The chain's title dish, the Bronto Burger offers a "juicy" but somehow mediocre taste. Sure, it's not terrible, but would this reporter create an entire restaurant in its honor? Probably not. Would you?
Cheese Bronto - The same thing as a Bronto Burger, but with the lovely addition of cheese. A "cheesy" delight to say the least.
Double Bronto Cheese - Apparently offering extravagance to the "maximum", this painfully large burger seems to be catered towards the larger folk on Rubi-Ka. Sadly, it appears the Double Bronto is not offered without cheese. So, those with Bronto sized hunger but a lactose-intolerant body will not be able to indulge in the decadence.
Chocolate Chip Muffin - This muffin was recommended to me by Balramius, a patron at this particular Bronto Burger. "As an Atrox," he notes, "I eat the Chocolate Chip Muffins, because the fat-burning nano-bots help maintain my 'Uni' figure." It may not seem like the freshest of muffins, but if it burns fat, I suppose it serves a purpose. I bet you'd probably have to eat quite a few to notice much of a difference, but that's just speculation.
Vanilla Ice Cream - This ice cream comes in a can. What a delightful presentation... wait, no. Let's delve into the science of this can for a moment: Once the can is opened, the substance inside touches air. It then freezes instantly, the can balloons, and it sucks the moisture out of the surrounding air into the ice cream. Perhaps the "heavenly" flavor I noticed while eating it was the suppression gas surrounding me in the city.
That concludes my review of the food offered at the Bronto Burger. Perhaps it's not the most gourmet of indulgences, and perhaps it doesn't have the most sophisticated dining atmosphere, but it manages to draw a crowd, somehow. I may not understand why the business is so successful, but for one reason or another, it works. Who knows, perhaps the droning voice eventually wears down one's resistance.
... Perhaps I could use a Double Bronto Cheese right about now. "Mmm, yummy."
