The Shover vs. The Terrible Secret of Space

Bogosorter and The Shover in...
The Shover vs. The Terrible Secret of Space
The First Story Since AI!
by Elisa "Autumnleaves" Fadri

And introducing...
The Trash Prince!

Late one night at Stately R.U.R. Manor...

Zzzzzzzzzpfft. Everything went dark.

"Man," I said. "How come the power always goes out just before I wire up the QPTs?" This latest droid was, like, a really important experiment, man. It could change the world, man. I'd been working on it, like, forever. "What we have here," I said, "is a failure to power the equipment, man."

Fortunately, my NCU was, like, fully charged. I hacked into the R.U.R. computer. "Man, all the power's going to this, like, ECM thingy." I shut it down, man. If it was important, man, only R.U.R.'s officers could shut it down. Yeah, man. The lights came back on. I got back to work, man.

Meanwhile, aboard the alien mothership...

"General Xxx'vkzz'h'qq-B!" said the Zixx, wobbling to attention. "Our scouts have found two uncloaked cities! One of them is large and well defended, giving our best warriors a chance to test themselves against these primitives! The other city is small, almost empty, and of no strategic interest."

"Attack the empty city," said General Whatever.

"But sir," pleaded the Zixx, "the other city has been carelessly uncloaked for five hours! We should teach the primitives to--"

"Attack the empty city," said General Whatever. "Do not make me repeat myself, Zixx."

"Sir!" The Zixx wobbled away to carry the General's orders to the troops.

Stately RUR Manor...

Finally, man. It was, like, the moment of truth. With that ECM thing down, I had plenty of power to finish my new 'bot. It was retro, man. The Milly hadn't, like, turned out so well, but this was... The Milly II!

I turned it on, man.

The Milly II sat up and turned towards me. I could, like, hear the Artificial Voice Synthesizer warming up, man. My new 'bot... it was, like, going to speak. My 'bots very first words!!!

"Word up, B."

"Bee?" I asked. Something was wrong, man.

"Yo, B," said my new creation, struggling against the safety harness. "Let the Trash Prince come down among the people."

"Something's wrong, man," I said. "You're supposed to be the Milly II, man. And they call me Bogosorter, man, not 'B.' I better shut you down, man."

"Hey B, don'tcha be no play-ah hate-ah," said the bot. "Can't you see I'm tryin' to please my create-ah?"

Man, something was wrong. Something was very wrong. "What are you, man?"

"I fell off the assembly line," said the bot. "And that was when I realized, I had control of this microphone..."

I'm supreme like the Source that flows from the mind
I'm an artificial creature to you, by design
My mind is much larger than the galaxy
Have an MP? Without buffs, you can't control me
I'm like a Tara raid, digestin' ya
I'm a Trader twink, divestin' ya
I'm like a minibull, chargin' ya
I'm an Enforcer, enlargin' ya
I dig in, like a 'Trox with a Frost-Bound
Mess with me, I take you down on the rebound
Now robot might
Represents Rubi-Ka tonight
Peace, wave your hands in the air
Peace to my Clan brothers everywhere...

The whole lab was full of music, man. It was, like, the worst thing I'd ever heard.

Aboard the Alien troop transport...

Again the abused Zixx wobbled into the command center. "The target city is still almost empty. Which troops shall we send, General Xxx'vkzz'h'qq-B?"

"Send them all," said General Whatever.

"But... but sir! Surely the ygyg-wrld and the laws of grw-hqq'h'k prevent such overwhelming force," said the Zixx. "Perhaps just a few of our youngest warriors to--"

"I am the commander here!"

"Sir!"

Stately RUR Manor...

THUMP.

Man, the power went out again.

THUMP.

At least the Milly II stopped the music, man.

THUMP.

The door opened. I saw the Milly II walk out of the lab, man.

THUMP.

Oh, yeah. The safety harness is, like, electro-magnetic, man. It must have, like, gone out with the power. I had to get the Milly II back. It was almost a whole year of work, man.

THUMP.

But, like, maybe I shouldn't, like, face the thumping alone. If it was, like, dangerous, I'd need The Shover. Yeah, I could get him to track down the Milly II later, man. I opened the storage closet.

THUMP.

"Hello, Dad," said The Shover. "You know I don't like being put in the closet, Dad."

"Man, I don't have time for--"

THUMP.

"What was that, Dad?"

"Come on," I said. I stepped outside.

The city was filled with... aliens, man. Seriously, man. It wasn't just a, like, side effect of pharmaceuticals this time. The Milly II was just, like, standing there, watching it all, man.

"Dad," said The Shover.

"Yeah, man?"

"This is it, Dad," said The Shover. "Aliens have a terrible power. I have to protect you. Shoving will protect you from the terrible secret of space."

"What? Listen, Shover," I began. The Shover turned towards me, arms outstretched, palms facing out. "Like, be reasonable," I said. "I'll use the trimmer, man." The Shover began walking towards me. "Man, this is, like, an emergency." I used the trimmer. The Shover turned around and shoved the nearest alien into that ECM thing.

"Knock 'em outta the park, Shover," said the Trash Prince. "Knock 'em outta the park!"

Then, something unusual happened. The alien pushed back. The Shover skidded to a halt at my feet. I knelt down and cradled The Shover's radar dome in my lap.

"Dad..."

"No, Shover," I said, "don't try to talk."

"I lied, Dad," said the Shover. "About the leets. Chicks... don't... dig... leeeeeeeeeerror." The poisonous yellow light no longer glowed in his radar dome. I put him down, man, and raised my fist.

"SHOVER!!!!"

The Trash Prince started to sing.

From the Alien communication channels...

"What is that terrible noise? It is like nothing in the books of xrdm-psjjj," said the Zixx, wobbling to the beat.

"Nuke them," said General Xxx'vkzz'h'qq-B.

"But sir," said the Zixx. "The nuke is designed for our toughest foes! It effects everyone in a large area, whether they are worthy by the laws of grw-hqq'h'kr or not! Does the ygyg-wrld allow us to use our most terrible weapons against a mere robot/servant?"

"Use. The. Nuke," said General Whatever. "Now."

"Sir, I cannot. The ygyg-wrld states that--"

"I am the commander here!"

"Sir!"

Stately R.U.R. Manor...

The Trash Prince was talking trash, man. At first I thought the aliens were, like, listening.

"...'cause I'm a sold-ja. Gotta get where I'm goin'. Stay outta my way, I'm just not knowin' what I might do. Get backed in a corner, spit Voodoo!"

One of the aliens was, like, doing something, man. Something bad. Something was wrong, man. Er, like, wronger.

The Trash Prince disappeared in a white sphere as bright as a really, really bright thing.

"...mal-func-tion."

Then the white sphere reached me, man.

Aboard the departing Alien ship...

"Sir! The other city is still foolishly uncloaked. Perhaps we should--"

"Send one level two scout," said General Whatever.

"But sir! The city is well defended! The scout will not have a chance, and our best warriors remain untested! We must--"

"Enough, Zixx! I am the commander here! Send the level two scout!"

The alien ship flew slowly back to the sky, and all over Rubi-Ka, neither the prayers of the play-ahs nor the superstitions of a dozen new Cargo Cults could bring them back.

The end.

Bogosorter...

Please stop by my office as soon as you can so we can discuss...

well...

the mishandling of the ECM.

Flash

Hey, don't lay your trip on me, man.

*Bzzzt*

<comlink> This is Squad Commander Miqlo of Ragnarok, we picked up news of your phlight through our gridscanner.

<comlink> Should you wish, we'll send reinforcements to aid ... once they stop laughing ...

<comlink> That will be all. Oh, and thank you for brightening up our day!

*Bzzzzt*

*Bzzt*

<comlink> Uuuuh, what does this thingie do Miqlo? *sniffs , taps*

*Crack.... crunch..... bzzzzzzzzt..*